Long story short, nobody cares. May rape fantasy says in Elle:

“When I talk about my husband [Brian Austin Green], I feel as if people roll their eyes. It’s like when you’re 16 and order a martini, and the waiter says, ‘Do you think I’m stupid?’ They can’t grasp that I’m old enough to be married.”

We don't roll our eyes because you're married, we roll our eyes because you're married to Brian Austin Greene. That's like saying you're excited to get a Suzuki Sidekick or star in that new TV show Wings. Or putting a Walkman on your Christmas list. Or any more things that I can think of that were only popular in the '90s.

Note: I would still shoot a civilization on that stomach.

Joseph-Gordon Levitt performed Bad Romance at Manhattan’s Pianos last week and my knee-jerk reaction would be to call him a homo, but as you dive into this stirring cover version of a lame song by a Madonna wannabe, you see that Levitt exposes it for it's Rich Cronin-like lyrical style. In case you're wondering, that's not a compliment.

Joan Rivers brings her notorious and no-holds-barred celebrity fashion and pop culture commentary to viewers as E!’s popular franchise “Fashion Police” expands to a new weekly series hosted by the comedy icon. From hot new trends to red carpet risks, Joan, Kelly Osbourne, Giuliana Rancic and celebrity stylist George Kotsiopoulos will take viewers through a complete recap of the week’s celebrity fashion and ultimately decide who sizzled – and who fizzled. Premieres Tonight 10:30/9:30c only on E!

PAID ADVERTORIAL

Rich Cronin, leader singer of the '90s group LFO and writer of the worst song ever written (it's basically "summer" then a bunch of random shit that rhymes), died yesterday of leukemia at the age of 35. Doctors have yet to determine if both parts of that last sentence are somehow related.

Outtakes from Kim Kardashian's lame Playboy shoot were released yesterday, and Kim Kardashian is clutching her pearls and fanning herself in feigned shock. RadarOnline reports:

The 19 images were outtakes from Kim's 2007 nude shoot for a men's magazine and recently appeared online. The Keeping Up With The Kardashians star, who publicly expressed regret about doing the naked shoot (ed. note: really?) , now has reacted privately about the new photos surfacing. "Kim was really upset that the new photos were released," a source close to Kim exclusively told RadarOnline.com. "She freaked out that they were out there, she didn't think that they were going to be seen again." Earlier this year, the socialite declared she was sorry she did it, and claimed she was "uncomfortable" posing for the revealing pics. "She is trying to put that behind her and gets embarrassed about the photos," the source said.

Whatever, whore. The only reasons, and I mean the only reasons, that you're famous are because your dad got a murderer off and you got another black guy off by letting him face fuck you and cum in your mouth on video. Let's not pretend you have a clitoris purity ring and are all above it now. Here's an idea, if you don't want to regret it, don't do it. That's why I never my floaties to the pool anymore. Apparently women don't find safety consciousness sexy.

Sorry Batman and the guy who makes my iced coffee with magic at Starbucks, I have a new hero.

Someone clearly hates Dina Lohan, unborn chickens, mailboxes, or a combination thereof ... because TMZ has learned Dina's Long Island home has been Grade A vandalized. The Nassau County Police Department tells TMZ ... the home was pelted with eggs and dirt bombs August 31 ... and her mailbox was ripped out of the ground September 6. It's unclear if the incidents are related. Lindsay Lohan's mom tells us she has no clue who would do such a thing.

Man, who would do such a thing? It's obvious that Dina Lohan is a loving, caring mother who isn't a constant enabler and let's the moral lessons she inculcated in her daughter speak for themselves. Although, another theory is that she's a cunt and everybody hates her.

Pic source: TMZ. Obviously.

I realize you might find this hard to believe, but Britney Spears is a spoiled child with no moral compass and completely inept at life. RadarOnline reports:

A former bodyguard for Britney Spears is charging that she hit her children, had sex in front of them and made them eat until they vomited...Flores also contends that Britney sexually harassed him, creating situations where Flores saw her naked or partially exposed. At a hotel in California, “Plaintiff perceived, during security checks of the perimeter, Defendant loudly having sexual relations while her two children were in the suite with her,” Flores is set to charge in the suit. He also claims that Britney sent him on errands twice and when he returned her saw her “having vigorous sexual relations.” Flores describes an alleged incident where Britney asked the guard for his belt and then, according to Flores: “Defendant Spears immediately ran back towards her house screaming ‘Preston’ (i.e. Sean Preston, her elder son). She entered the residence through two French doors on the north side. Plaintiff exited the pool house, hearing Sean Preston screaming in terror and pain, and saw Defendant Spears at least twice savagely hitting the small child with Plaintiff’s belt. “Plaintiff was shocked, horrified and deeply disturbed by the incident.” He also alleges that Britney fed her two small sons crabmeat despite the fact that they have serious allergies to seafood. “When both boys started vomiting, Defendant Spears explicitly prevented Plaintiff and the children’s nanny from seeking medical care for the children,” the suit will contend. Flores claims to have filed at complaint with the California Department of Fair Employment and Housing and obtaining a right to sue letter from the agency. RadarOnline.com has not independently verified that claim. The lawsuit is filled with charges of Britney flaunting her naked body and making “unwanted sexual advances.” He describes Britney as wearing a white lace, see through dress and exposing herself to him. He also describes two incidents where she summoned him, but was naked.

Please keep in mind that her conservatorship, in which a judge ruled that Britney at some point was held under water too long and has no idea how to handle life, is still in effect. And there's no plans to stop it anytime soon. So why in the fuck is Britney Spears allowed to interact with humans at all? She should be shot talking to a picture of her kid much less her actual kid.

Man, I totally saw this coming from a mile away didn't see this coming. TMZ reports:

Playmate Karissa Shannon is about to be semi-celebdom's next sex tape debutante -- that is if Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch gets to release the homemade XXX flick he calls "extremely erotic." Hirsch tells TMZ he actually laid eyes on the tape which co-stars Karissa's boyfriend, "Smallville" actor Sam Jones III. Hirsch says it was sent to him from "a reputable third party" and that he'd "love to be able to release it." The XXX footage in question sounds a lot like the sex tape Karissa claims Spencer Pratt stole from her house -- which, as we first reported, she's threatening to sue him over if he doesn't return it. Vivid's chief isn't divulging who dropped the tape in his lap, but does say he's "very impressed with the quality and content" -- which sounds like executive speak for ... it's smoking hot! But before you scour the Internet for clips -- we spoke to Jones who said, "I understand that the guy from Vivid saw footage with Karissa and I in it. We have spoken to our legal team and they will be dealing with this ASAP." Let the XXX games begin.

What? You mean to tell me she said she was in a pretend sex tape with Heidi Montag to get her name in the news then her real sex tape mysteriously ended up at Vivid?! What a coincidence! It's almost like the whole thing was planned!