Jessica Simpson attended the Ambassador Theater in New York last night to see her sister perform in Chicago, and I don't want to say she's getting fat, but she may or may not be smiling because she just found out intermission was catered by Wendy's. Applewood smoked bacon piled high atop a 1/4 lb. patty of fresh, never frozen, beef!!

This post generates the most Google search traffic of any post in IDLYITW history, so apparently pasty white teenagers are what you perverts like. As for me, I prefer my art. Serene seascapes with rolling dunes. So calm, so pretty.

GrimaceKelly Clarkson performed a concert in San Jose, CA last night where she sang Michael Jackson's "Rock Wit You" with her opening act Eric Hutchinson. Besides being able to see Clarkson's gigantic ass from space, I have no idea who Eric Hutchinson is. Perez Hilton sent his album to the Top Ten on iTunes, so I assume he sings songs about unicorns and tossing salads. "Salads?", Kelly Clarkson was overheard as saying. "Oh my God, ewwww."

I don't know if you can find a better combination than a hot Victoria's Secret model who likes football, so I'm just gonna say you can't. The only way Candice Swanepoel could get any better is if her vagina doubled as a soft serve ice cream machine.

I realize Keeley Hazell isn't an actual celebrity and has nothing to do with celebrity gossip, but she has perfect boobs and spends most of her time taking her clothes off and letting people take pictures of them. Turns out, that has a lot to do with my penis. My penis really, really loves Keeley Hazell, but he's afraid that stereotypes and ignorance will make people not be able to see his true self. He's cultured in the arts and in the sciences and enjoys reading books on constitutional law. Why, just yesterday, we were discussing how Jackson Pollock used synthetic resin-based paints called alkyd enamels during his Springs period. "This was novel at the time, " my penis said.


CLICK ON THE BANNER PIC TO SEE ALL 17 NSFW PICS. TAKE FREQUENT BREAKS TO GENERATE PROPER BLOOD FLOW

Chris Brown's fists must be an instrument to distribute God's wisdom, because Rihanna might be the smartest woman in the world. The Sun reports:

"Every woman should have naked pictures taken. In five years my body might not look like this! I've always been borderline raunchy and a little sexy. But sexy at 19 and sexy at 21 is two different things. I'm just having fun. When naked pictures I'd sent to a boyfriend were leaked this year I was so nervous and embarrassed that my mom was going to see them. But she reacted in the most surprising way. She just sent me a text saying, 'You're an adult now'. Basically saying, 'Welcome to the real world'. She says I'm a woman now so I have to handle things like an adult."

I walked by an Intro to Women's Studies class one time, so I know that most women will think Rihanna is dumb for saying this. This may be true, so I want our women readers to sound off on this issue. My email's spam filter is set up to delete any mail sent from a woman that doesn't attach a pic of her C-cups or higher, so if I don't get back to you, it's not my fault. This contest is open to female US residents aged 18 and above. Enter daily through December 20, 2009 for a chance for me to secretly sit in judgement of your boobs!

CLICK HERE TO SEE RIHANNA'S LEAKED NUDE PICS (NSFW)

Again, the only Rihanna pictures I post:

Although his Cadillac SUV struck a fire hydrant less than 100 feet from his property, Tiger Woods suffered facial lacerations, bruises, a reported slight concussion, and officers on the scene stated Wood's mouth was filled with blood after he was involved in a single car accident four days ago in which his wife reportedly beat him with a golf club. Tiger Woods has yet to grant interview requests by the Florida Highway Patrol, and remains cryptic and vague regarding the details of the accident. He says in a statement released on his website:

"As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I'm pretty sore. This situation is my fault, and it's obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I'm human and I'm not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn't happen again. This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible. The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false. This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, our family and me. I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received. But, I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be."

When asked for comment, Tiger Woods said, "What, these? Oh, I just fell down some stairs. No, I meant I tripped and I fell into a bookca...no, no, that's not right..I'll fell in the shower. I'm just so stupid and clumsy sometimes I can't believe she puts up with me because I get so..what? Oh no, she loves me. You don't know her like I do. She tells me she loves me and she always says she sorry when she..sshhh, did you hear that? Was, was that a car?! Oh, God, oh God, it's her! Hide! HIDE!"

Alessandra Ambrosio and her insanely hot ass are on the November cover of DT magazine, and while you look at these, please keep in mind that she had a baby thirteen months ago. Also, thirteen months ago, Kelly Clarkson had four Bacon Cheese Thickburgers and a milkshake. Apparently, Thickburgers don't include ginseng and green tea extract, so maybe Kelly should have a baby. Obviously passing a human through your vagina is some sort of magical weight-loss burning formula.



I know everyone is still mad at me for making fun of the Downs cheerleading squad, but take a look a this video of Surprised Kitty! You're not mad now are you? He's a kitty! And he's surprised!