Paris Hilton's publicists are trying to silence a Hawaiian taxi driver who claims the socialite urinated in his cab. Harden Jamison tells the National Enquirer the hotel heiress was too drunk to notice that she pissed on herself when he picked her and boyfriend Stavros Niarchos up after a party in Maui. The understandably disgusted cab driver claimes he mopped up the mess with a towel and plans to use Hilton's own DNA as evidence against her.

When a cab driver suddenly becomes a CSI just because you pissed in his back seat, you should realize that the hatred that the world holds for you knows no bounds and is capable of some pretty amazing stuff. Since I am a gentle teddy bear who loves cuddle time, I would never hit a woman no matter how much she looked like a man. So, if any of you ladies see Paris passed out in the street, put on those latex gloves and take a swing. Since there might be cab drivers around, try not to leave any evidence. The secret? Aim for the top of the head. No bruises.

Hilton in L.A. on January 13th: