I've mentioned my Swedish connection to Victoria Silvstedt before, so even though I should be making fun of her big ol', stiff cantaloupe halves, I can't bring myself to go off on her. She's also experiencing what should be a daily ritual for pretty much every woman, so it's impossible for me to cut these photos up.

This might have been our conversation today -

Me: "What did you do today?"

Victoria: "Oh, I woke up, put my bikini on, coated my tight, tanned bod in coconut scented oil, then I embarked on an invigorating session of oral sex while sitting on a boat dock. That went on for about five hours or so, and then I continued enjoying the rest of my perfectly perfect day."

Me: "Your hair looked like shit."

Update Images removed per the request of Victoria Silvstedt's attorney.