I mean almost none of the crap that I say here - other than hating Kirsten Dunst, God help me, I hate her so much - but I absolutely mean it when I say that I'm in love with Rachel McAdams, who last week was named the 2005 ShoWest Supporting Actress of the Year, an award almost as prestigious as World's Greatest Grandpa. But not quite. Not that she wasn't good in 'Mean Girls' and 'The Notebook', she was. She's remarkably talented and heart-breakingly beautiful, so the only stumbling block I see to our sultry romance is that she's Canadian, so she may be a little too well adjusted for me. I likes 'em crazy!

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!





You can see more of her in the trailer for Red Eye.

Mischa Barton is adorable from the neck up and she makes out with other chicks, which I appreciate, but this is the ugliest fuckin outfit I've ever seen. No one's shooting at you Mischa. Take your time and pick out something nice. Or just go with Garanimals or something, because not a single piece here matches another. I have no idea what's hanging from the front of your jacket or why you thought that headband was a good idea. And are there rattlesnakes loose, why are you wearing shin guards? If there are rattlesnakes, they should just cancel that event. Seriously. We use them at my church and, trust me, they're no laughing matter. They'll know if you sin. My mom says my hands get bit because they spend so much time at my genitals. And we can't go get medicine cause the cities are filled with gays. She's so wise.

Charlie Sheen's not getting any closer to patching things up with wife Denise Richards. Reports have her banning him from their Malibu home and even from the delivery room when their second child arrives, probably in June. According to the New York Daily News, the reason for the spilt is that Sheen recently attended a party where the entree was whores. Not to be confused with my parties, where the entree is danger.

Based solely on history, conjecture and the expression of my dog while she eats my shoe, I'm gonna blame Charlie for all of this. Denise Richards has always seemed kinda perfect in a Madonna-whore complex kinda way, in that 'pretty girl with low self esteem' kinda way, like she would do anything - anything - for the guy she's with. Girls like that will put up with a lot and Sheen still managed to F it up. Girls like that write magazines with questions like, "my boyfriend likes to set me on fire, should I break up with him or just get some fireproof clothes." It's not easy to drive off a girl like that. You have to wake up first thing in the morning and brainstorm about ways to push her away. And that's kinda what I picture. Charlie's dumb ass, his clumsy brow furrowed like a caveman smacking a rock with a stick. Cause, keep in mind, it's Denise Richards.

"(Lindsay) Lohan and Johnny Knoxville were out one night with some of his buddies when the group arrived at a (New Orleans) nightclub that wouldn't admit the underage Lohan. So what did Knoxville do? He left Lohan outside and went on clubbing..."

It's undeniably cool that a proud white-trash guy like Johnny Knoxville would leave a confused and scared princess like Lindsay Lohan alone on the curb in a town like New Orleans, where the odds were 50-50 that she'd be kidnapped and sold into slavery. Although, if she was, it would end up like some John Hughes movie where she's such a pain in the ass, the kidnappers end up paying a ransom to get rid of her. Hijinks would ensue and guys would get hit in the balls a lot. And in the end, we'd all learn a little about ourselves and a lot about love. Rated PG-13.

The Star seems so confident in their 'Ashton and Demi expecting' story, they've used powerful Six Flags technology to try and determine what the child of Demi and Ashton would look like. According to the Star, their kids would be fed only marshmallows and bacon for the first three years. The boy is - I don't know - mostly human looking. The girl seems kinda trampy already, even at negative seven months old. That can't be good. Although, the problem with most infants is they don't co-ordinate, their jumpers clash with their lipstick they end up looking like tramped up little hussies. But not Demi and Ashtons kid. Not with million dollar earrings perfectly setting off her battery powered green contacts.

The trailer for The Island showed up today, a remake of a movie so bad it was even on Mystery Science Theatre 3000. But this looks much more promising and the script has been changed quite a bit. It stars the always stacked Scarlett Johansson, the always cool Michael Clarke Duncan and the always dignified Djimon Hounsou. And it's directed by Michael Bay, who I think gets a bad rap, he can be great when he sticks to his strengths. I would have much rather seen him in charge of X-Men than the wildly overrated Bryan Singer. I've never seen fight scenes as boring as the ones in X-Men. Each good guy would pair up with a bad guy and go off into a room somewhere. Were they going to fight or play 'five minutes in heaven', it was hard to tell and by the end you still weren't quite sure. I assure you Bay wouldn't pull that crap. Bay would have banged a bunch of Playmates then blown some shit up. Where as Singer would snuggle with a bunch of boy-banders and then film a scene where people talked about their differences. And yes, I just made an inference.

The NCAA basketball tournament begins today and my dog and I totally agree that the upset to watch is going to be the mighty Lions of Southeastern Louisiana over perennial final-four favorite Oklahoma State. Hopefully, SLU has replaced Roary the Lions mascot costume head that disappeared under mysterious circumstances several years ago. We could go back and forth all day and argue about who stole what from who, but I'd like to point out that 'Naked Lion' wasn't exactly 'Naked Lion' if I wasn't wearing the Lions head, now was it. Without that, it was just me running through a sorority house meeting drunk with no clothes on.

note - that Marissa Miller picture isn't really relevant to anything, except for unhealthy obsession with Marissa Miller.

Several outlets are reporting this morning that Wonder Woman is on the fast track to become a major motion picture under the eye of television vet Joss Whedon, creator of both 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' and its spin-off 'Angel'. Whedon is a great great writer, his dialogue is among the best you'll find anywhere, but I have my doubts about a Wonder Woman movie.

She didn't really have any powers, except giant breasts and a halter top, but if that were so great the Hooters in Santa Monica would be the new Justice League. And there was her golden lasso, which usually just ended up as a necklace around some monsters neck as it stomped away, completely unaware someone was trying to capture it, and then Wonder Woman would explain to Batman how the monster couldn't be stopped. At least not by a 90 pound girl doing rodeo tricks. And then she'd ask to borrow a lasso. It could also make you tell the truth, but all those bad guys were more than happy to tell you their plans anyway, so I'm not really sure why that was so great.

No word on casting yet. For years it was meant as a project for Sandra Bullock but her time seems to have passed. Sarah Michelle Gellar and Charisma Carpenter are the two names that come up most often, but mainly only due to their Whedon connection.

I'd actually be all for a Wonder Woman movie if it were faithful to the comic. And by that I mean this one comic, the one below. Where Wonder Woman is into bondage and being filmed and her hands are, uhh, "suggestive" to say the least. So there you have it studio execs, make a Wonder Woman movie with bondage and hardcore sex and Charisma Carpenter, and you'll make eleventy billion dollars. And that's a lot.



note - I threw up that second picture kinda late, but the studio has my blessing to make a movie like that too, where she's bound and phallic things fly at her and she arcs her back and pushes the limits of her thong and she has long blue hair like my grandmother. Wait ... oh God ...