Ashlee - shut the hell up. Stop singing. Stop talking. Stop flopping around on stage. Just stop it. You've lost us, and you're not gonna get us back anytime soon. You can still be rich and famous, but only if go with what's working. And the blond hair is working. That unnatural jet black made you look like you should be reading Goth poetry in a magicians cape. I understand you wanted to stand apart from Jessica. Well, it worked. People like her, people hate you. Congratulations. So stick with the blond hair and just take pictures for a while. You can absolutely be rich and famous in America for no reason whatsoever, people do it all the time. I have no idea what Carmen Electra does, but I kinda know that I know who she is and she used to do something. Or maybe she's going to do something or maybe she does it now, I can't remember exactly. It's like that time I got abducted and those aliens made me spread my healthy seed to their exotic yet sexy daughters to keep their planet alive. Is that how ... yeah, yeah, that sounds right.

There's no way for this to come out the way I mean it, so I'm just gonna say it : I don't like gay fashion photographers. Because they pull stuff like this with perfect women like Jessica Alba. I don't know, maybe it's me, maybe the bunched up diaper look is the next big thing, but I'm betting against it. I'm not gonna lie to you, not all of my sexual conquests have been the stuff of legend, but I draw the line at incontinence. Mostly. It's really more of a guideline.

Images removed per request.

On Christmas Eve, 2002, Scott Peterson sawed off the head of his pregnant wife Laci, set her in cement, then threw her and unborn son Connor in the San Francisco Bay. As it turns out, that's illegal. You can't do that. Not even in California. And today he was sentenced to death for the double-murder. As delightful as it would be to spend the next forty years watching Scott get passed around Pelican Bay - arguably the worst place on earth - Laci's parents and family believe in the death penalty and wanted it in this case.

You can see the evidence file on Court TV's website here.

"Like omigod, I have to tell the maid to buy diapers and get the pool boy to walk the dog? Can't I just make out with Kevin all the time? Being married sucks."

If life were at all fair, Britney Spears would be working boat shows and bachelor parties in a half-hearted attempt to pay for a home that has wheels and a car that doesn't. But God has a pretty weird sense of humor, so Britney lives in a Malibu palace with infinitely more money than sense and a put upon staff that has to be wondering if Mexico really was that bad (hint - yes, yes it is). Venice Beach used to have this break dancing midget with no arms and legs, and as sad as that sounds, I'm pretty sure Britney's staff would happily trade places with him. You know the pop music world is insane up when Christina Aguilera is the only one who seems to make any sense. First she quietly gets engaged to her longtime boyfriend, then she takes a shot at all the idiots in music who put out clothing lines. And is it just me, or did her tits suddenly get huge?




Jesus, would you look at these two. Toothless hillbillies married to their pigs would point and laugh at these two. And then they would sodomize Kevin and eat that god-dammed dog. Hillbilly Power - Activate!

Denise Richards has to be the greatest catch in the world right now. Like getting a dog from the pound. You can be the best thing that ever happened to her, and it aint even gonna take that much. I can't say I'm thrilled about raising Charlie Sheens kids though. I'm hoping to sell at least one of them, probably the one on the way, cause, you know, how attached can Denise really be. And it's Swiss boarding school for the other one. And please understand, I only have the best interest of the kids at heart. I plan on bangin their mom at least 20 hours a day, and no kid should see their mom defiled like my plan of attack calls for. She may have to get used to doing housework and cooking me breakfast while I'm having sex with her, but, c'mon, what new relationship doesn't have an adjustment period?

Images removed per request.



And for all the ladies wondering why we took so long to write the Denise Richards divorces Charlie Sheen story ... (places index finger on your lips) ... shhhhhh!... don't you worry your pretty little head about it, baby.

While my cover is that of a powerful internet celebrity, I'm actually a sexy secret agent who goes around the globe fighting sexy terrorist threats to the United States. To keep America safe. And sexy. And that includes beautiful threats from the skies, so Lara Flynn Boyle better be happy she didn't pull any crap like this while I was around, or the fat tramp would have been at the business end of a double-tap. I Dont Like You has been on-line since the early 1950s, but no one anywhere has summed up the insufferable narcissism of actors better than her when she says, "My job is to entertain, and not to explain." It's always a solid idea to act unstable on a plane these days, and I heartily recommend it, but only an actor would consider running around naked to be part of the job, and then be completely aghast when someone had the nerve to question it. In any other field, you'd be beaten, not just fired, but dragged into the parking lot and beaten with those hilariously oversized Captain Caveman clubs.

"Later, Kirstie, dressed in sexy silk pajamas, entertains at her mansion: He's sliding an ice pop down her throat and spraying whip cream in her mouth. They end up in her bedroom, where Kirstie performs a sexy dance. When he slaps her buttocks in bed, she laughs, 'Nobody's slapped my ass like that!'"

It's not cute when a regular sized person puts on 1500 pounds. It's not normal. It's not OK. And I'm not gonna pretend like it is. Certainly not for someone as completely hateable as Kirstie Alley. I remember watching her do interviews and she'd pull her diva shit and lounge around with chocolate on her face, fighting to breathe, eyeing her next victim on the buffet, bragging that she'll waddle out of her trailer when she's good and ready. Cause she's the star and it's her show. In other words, "attention everyone on the crew who left their families at 4:30 am to get to work by 5, I don't care how hilariously hot it is out there : fuck you."

I'd rather watch my grandfather masturbate than Kristie Alley try to be sexy. Even when she was hot she was ugly. And that was long before she looked like she was gonna climb a building and knock planes out of the sky.

Another quote from the link says, "She slams guys with a fat joke and almost dares them to respond," says the insider. "Some manage to say something like, 'You're fantastic,' but most guys are blown away. A lot of guys are into Kirstie, but she's so brash it scares them off before they can ask for a date."

It's not because she's so overtly sexual and guys cant handle it, it's because she's disgusting. They're not responding because they're choking on their bile. They walk away because they're trying to be polite. You're embarrassing and they're trying to not scream out "get away you withered hag" but you're begging them too.



note - this picture is from the Fat Actress premiere. This is Kirstie at her best. And I never even got into the Scientology.

By any reasonable definition, Victoria Beckham is out of her damn mind and completely insufferable. So why would the most recognizable athlete in the world, a soccer god with Pele's foot and Brad Pitts face put up with her insane spending and misguided sense of entitlement?

Mostly because of that pic below.

A report from the UK says, "The 30-year-old is among several famous faces including Sarah Ferguson, Paris Hilton, Kate Moss and Geri Halliwell appearing in the book in aid of the Elton John Aids Foundation. Tennis star Serena Williams, singers Christina Aguilera and Holly Valance, actresses Jane Leeves (Daphne in Frasier) and Minnie Driver with her sister Kate have also stripped off for the book."

Why anyone would want to see Daphne from Frasier naked is beyond me. I'd rather see Daphne from Scooby Doo naked. And the jokes about Paris Hilton wanting to help find a cure for AIDS are obvious, so I'm just gonna admit that this entire post was because, bitch or not, Posh Spice is the hottest MILF on the planet.