According to various reports in the British press, "During a trip to London to promote 'The Emancipation of Mimi,' Mariah Carey refused to enter a hotel until getting the red carpet treatment - literally ... when the hotel had forgotten to roll out a red carpet flanked by the correct number of large white candles by her arrival time of 2.15 a.m., Mariah had her cavalcade of limos circle around the block until everything was in order. Hotel staff were summoned and told that Ms. Carey will not step on bare pavement. Once the plush red rug was rolled out and the candles were lit, Mariah was ushered inside..."

Someone needs to get Mariah Carey a calendar or better yet a time machine because she seems to think it's still cute to pull this diva stuff. I know she still puts out a record every few years, but so the hell what, so do those dogs who bark Christmas carols. Someone should also point out that likable people tend to be more likable, nice people are often thought of as nice and only morons act like the streets of London are lined with bear traps and can't be walked on unless padded with extra-comfy red carpet. And throwing around the word 'emancipation' isn't doin' you any favors either. Yeah, you've really suffered haven't you, honey? How about 'emancipating' my ears from you doing that high-pitched crap ever again. I heard "Someday" in a club one time through speakers that could turn bones to dust and I've been sterile ever since.

And confusing gets confusinger when you look at the picture on the new record, which looks a lot more like Beyonce than Mariah. It seems mildly suspicious since all the pics below are from the same cover album photo shoot and every one of them is better.

You're not foolin anyone Mariah. I don't care how great your rack is, I ... okay, I do care how great your rack is but you're still kind of a bitch.

"Eva Longoria of Desperate Housewives had a celebrity-laden crowd purring when she helped open a new lounge featuring the famous Pussycat Dolls at Caesars Palace hotel-casino. Armed with a horse whip, wearing knee-high leather boots and a zebra-striped mini skirt, Longoria introduced the sexy song-and-dance group to Las Vegas with a provocative meow on Saturday night."

I'm not gonna lie to you, I have absolutely masturbated to fantasies that aren't nearly that good.




note - those Pussycat shots don't seem to online yet, so just admire these and the porno way she's groping that statue. Whats that? Why of course the statue is phallic, why wouldn't it be.

A buddy of mine has an older brother who is a cop and once there was this serial rapist going around town and my buddy was privy to a bunch of details that weren't common knowledge, so, of course, he used them to place an anonymous call to the police and tell them I was the rapist, and sold the whole thing with the details they were after; specific times he saw me leave, specific things he saw me wear, so on and so on. And after they released me 41 hours later, I had to admit it was a pretty good joke. Anyway, I was sorta thinking about pulling the same kind of thing on Kirsten Dunst. But this time, the game is real. Because I hate her. Wouldn't it be bliss to turn on the news and see: "KIRSTEN DUNST IS THE ZODIAC KILLER!" - "D.A. says : 'You're gonna hang for this Dunst!'"

Jennifer sent this pic in about a week ago, but I didn't put it yet cause I choke on my bile every time I open it. Kirsten really is hideous. And please don't think I mean that as an opinion, cause it's not. It's a provable fact, like Fermat's Last Theorem. With her giant Garbage Pail Kid head and creepy scarecrow legs, she looks like she should live in Halloweentown. I'm not really sure where this picture is from - other than my reoccurring nightmare - but it really is unnerving. Normally, when someone looks like crap and a camera shows up, a sane person kinda turns away a little bit. The muppet here actually stands tall, arches her hideous back, turns her giant head just an inch and poses. The troll actually thinks she looks good.

"Recent rumors claimed that on/off couple Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal faked their July 2004 break-up to confuse the media and are preparing to wed in Dunst's home state of New Jersey this spring. But Dunst's spokesperson says the couple are just "good friends" and have no plans to wed. While Dunst was still dating Gyllenhaal last May, she said, 'I'm too young to get married. It's so annoying that they put pressure on you.'"

It takes an uncharted level of narcissism to go to all that trouble because you assume the world is consumed with your every move, because you think anyone gives a fuck about you and your dopey little relationship. Why is she even famous? Cause she's a movie star? Uhh, not really. Let's take a look at her most recent movies, shall we: 'Wimbledon' cost 45 million and grossed 17. 'Mona Lisa Smile' cost 90 and grossed 63 domestic. Whatever the hell 'Levity' was, it made $209,000. 'The Cats Meow' somehow made 3 million, even though no one has ever heard of it. 'Crazy/Beautiful' cost 25 and made 16. Have you ever even heard of these movies? Has anyone? 'Bring It On' is the only things she's ever "starred" in that made money, and that didn't even break 70 million. And that was 5 years ago. And yet she's so consumed with herself she thinks we follow her every move with baited breath, wringing our hands, terrified that she's not happy in love.

God I hate her so much.


note - I swear to God, no one better bring up Spider-Man. You could have cast a Indian totem pole in a wig as Mary Jane and it would have been just as good. In fact, it prolly would have been a hell of a lot better.

"Britney Spears granted a revealing and impromptu interview to a 10-year-old fan who discovered her at a California hotel ... schoolgirl Veronica You wrote to the singer after hearing she was staying at L'Merigot Hotel recently. You asked the star for an interview for her school newspaper and Spears responded warmly to the request, saying, 'Ask anything you want.'"

Britney Spears went from one of the hottest pieces of ass on the planet to a trampy drunken lump in a matter of months. I've never seen anything quite like it. So it's easy to forget that she used to seem kinda sweet and even likable. Then everything went horribly wrong somehow, like a bad issue of the X-Men, her body changed so dramatically in just about a year, I swear to God if she grows tentacles next, we probably should've seen it coming. So - even though she just did something selfless and nice - I'm going to mock her by putting up pictures of Avril, who, unlike Britney, seems to get hotter by the minute. It's all part of my tough-love program.

At the launch for the Victoria's Secret book "Sexy", supermodel Karolina Kurkova - one of the new wave of Russian models Vanity Fair went so confusingly insane about last month - seemed hell bent on making the moves on New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. At the party, she sent a message to Brady to have him come over so they could take a picture together, to which Brady declined, adding, "If she wants a picture, tell her to come over here." Then - according to reports I made up based on the movie Red Heat - Brady told the commie, "I'm a citizen of the United Sates, the greatest country in the world, and these colors don't run, comrade!" Then he put on a USA hockey jersey from the 80 Olympics and banged the life out of girlfriend Bridget Moynahan to celebrate America's superiority in everything that matters. And a couple hours later, Tom rolled off Bridget, called up Karolina and asked, "What's the name of this country? America? WELL I'M STAYIN!" Then he totally hung up on her. True story.

I don't really watch that much TV. Which usually surprises people. And I'm never quite sure how to take that. Anyway, 'Lost' was renewed by ABC yesterday for at least one more year, and since I've never seen the show, I don't know if that's good or bad. I guess I hear it's about monsters or something. I don't know if that's a metaphor for something, it might be about dinosaurs, it might be about drunk racists, but what I do know is that it's very encouraging that damp hottie Evangaline Lilly is apparently still dating creepy hobbit Dominic Monaghan. I'm gonna chalk that one up to a lack of options on Lilly's part, especially since she's still technically married to someone else, someone I assume doesn't look like a vulture. Or maybe her standards are just really low ever since the years she spent as a missionary, living in grass huts in places like the Philippines while volunteering in the Peace Corps. Which would also explain why she seemed a little too excited about meeting sexy local singles (aka - "masturbating shut-ins") when she was the spokes girl for LiveLinks.

"Jessica Biel, who did some dashing about in both 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' and 'Blade Trinity', is rumoured to be up for a lead role in the remake of 'The Hitcher.' Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes is producing the remake, which tells of a youngster being tormented by a sadistic hitchhiker..."

I'll be honest with you, there are times when I search for any kind of story just so I can post some pictures that turned up online. This is absolutely one of those times. Jessica Biel might have the best lips in the world, even better than Angelina's, if for no other reason then they've never been wrapped around Billy Bob Thornton. I know it's a sin to day dream about sweaty deviant sex with Jessica Biel, but God should have thought have that before he made her so damn hot.