Did Demi Moore get married to Ashton Kutcher over the weekend? The definitive answer is " ... ummm ... ". But at least one source, the website Liquid Generation, seems pretty convinced they did.

"...Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher were MARRIED last night, Saturday May 28, 2005 ... in Ponte Vidra Beach, Florida. At a friend's mansion. It was transformed to look like a movie set. They brought in a huge winding staircase that Demi walked down. 250 Guests. Two restaurants did the catering: one of them was Medure Restaurant. The other was Matthew's at San Marco."

It find it borderline impossible that 250 guests and the countless stoned employees of a catering company could keep this quiet for three days. Or why they would want to. There was another site saying they had conformation on the story as well, but I can't find that one now. So just take my word on it. If fact, if you could do that with everything from now on, that would really help me out. Looking all this crap up is exhausting. But a quick wedding might be related to these pictures of Demi taken last Wednesday, where she may or may not be hiding her pregnant stomach. She should probaly carry two bags from now on so she can also hide her new giant ass. Honest to God, that anonymous dudes ass looks hotter then hers. Of course, he's not sloping around like Bigfoot in 50 yards of denim and one of those god-damn trucker hats, so well done there Anonymous Dude. Call me.

I'm unbelievably foxy. I'm also hilarious and the son of an oil baron, so none of my supermodel girlfriends have ever broken up with me. And that's why I totally can't relate to the mental breakdown Jennifer Anniston is having while watching her still-husband Brad Pitt span the globe in a sexy way with Angelina Jolie. But apparently it's kind of killing her. And she hasn't even seen them make out in Mr. And Mrs. Smith yet, in scenes so hot that the director is worried it will inspire boycotts. From something he calls "huge Jennifer Aniston fans". I wouldn't really worry about that, cause "huge Jennifer Aniston fans" means they probably watch Friends, which means they just barely don't need to be lead around on a leash and are mostly guys downloading fake Courtney Cox nudes while sitting on a saddle dressed in a bra and panties or girls too busy dressing up their cat Colonel Mittens to put together any kind of coherent protest.

More posting from my Memorial Day sex-abration, cause I seem to have some free time now. The bad news is, I think one of the models is dead. The good news is, it just got easier for me to get anal. Anyway, a report from Glamour UK is saying that Britney Spears has gotten rid of that god-damn dog she's been carrying around because husband Kevin Federline insisted that the dog had to go. On the surface this might seem kinda cool - like Kevin actually did something reasonable for once - but if his wife the billionaire who provides him with his opulent lifestyle wants an irritating dog, maybe just maybe she should be able to have an irritating dog. It's why I'm going to sleep the sleep of the pure at heart even after I jump at my first chance to bounce a rock off the thin layer of bone that separates Kevin's brain from me.

Ever heard of a little thing called Complex magazine? Yeah, me neither. Which is weird cause my penis and I were talking and, it turns out, Complex magazine is the greatest thing ever. At least based on these pictures they took of Jessica Alba. My penis did make some interesting points about how the shoot woulda been hotter if Alba had been naked, and even though I said, "Well, that's true," you have to understand that chicks getting naked is pretty much my penis's answer to everything.

It's really disheartening when the readers are funnier than me. Mostly cause I get the feeling you guys aren't even trying. But thanks to Jenny for pointing out pretty much the greatest thing ever. And by 'thanks', I mean 'screw you'.

More Olsen fashion insanity here, thanks to Sara. I swear to God, If I were in the woods and I saw something like this walking around, I wouldn't even wait to roll down the window before I opened fire.

From People.com : "Leaving a Hollywood recording studio Tuesday night, Jessica Simpson puts her engagement ring and wedding band on full display."

The picture below is definitive proof that Jessica ... uhh ... hasnt sold her wedding ring, but that might not be enough to quiet those rumors that she and husband Nick Lachey are having problems. Or the rumors that she strayed with Johnny Knoxville. Or answer those questions the scientific community has about wormholes and the fabric of time and space. I broke through one time but still had to watch helplessly as President Lincoln was assassinated. But then I introduced Bob Saget to Charlemagne. So that was cool.

I rarely have any idea what the hell Im talking about, by the way.

When not rising with the sun to do tai chi on an empty beach, I'm usually volunteering as a horse whisperer at the rescue that takes in abused and mistreated animals, helping to rebuild trust with the horses and ponies in faded jeans and a weathered cowboy hat, glistening in the sun with my shirt off. I'm obviously brooding and mysterious, and I can't really talk about why, but clearly I'm too deep to dwell on insane celebrities like Lindsay Lohan, so I'll just say she looks like crap these days. Especially her hair. It doesn't even look blond. It just looks like she went swimming all summer in a pool with too much chlorine.

According to a report on IMDB, "Jessica Alba has displayed her generous side at the Cannes Film Festival by offering her acting talents for free - to raise money for AIDS charity Amfar ... Alba caused the greatest stir by vowing to star unpaid in one of Bob Weinsteins movies, if he agreed to bid $100,000 for tennis lessons with sports stars Monica Seles and Boris Becker. Weinstein was happy to honour Alba's proposal..."

I have little to no idea what any of this means. It seems like Alba could have gotten a lot more than 100 grand out of Weinstein if that was supposed to be in lieu of her salary. She must really really hate little kids with AIDS. So that's weird. And I sure as hell don't understand why anyone would pay 100 grand to get yelled at by an angry temperamental German on the tennis court, so I'm only putting this up as an excuse to post the pictures of Jess with her new short haircut. And her getting felt up by Brittany Murphy. Also pictured: Jessica loving it. Not pictured: Me defiling my bunny slippers. And if you think you're surprised by this, check out the guy in the hat. Man, he can't believe it!