Mischa Barton has apparently broken up with oil-fortune heir Brandon Davis. According to a story in Glamour UK, "It was Mischa who broke it off, for a few reasons: Brandon doesn't have any real money of his own; it's all his family's ... She thought it was ridiculous that a man would have to go to his mom each month for money." Inheriting billions must be exhausting because Brandon Davis is kind of a fat lump who, unthinkably, dresses even worse than she does. And he's kinda dorky looking. Not like me. I'm a hunk. That's why I made it into that calendar dressed like a sexy fireman.

And here are some pictures of Mischa from last week in Cannes for any girl who thinks they want to come to Hollywood. Trust me, you don't. Unless your a big fan of old guys leering at you.

When I was 5, my dad - who is a pilot for Delta Airlines - came home from a trip late one Christmas Eve and told me and my brother that there wasn't gonna be a Christmas this year because he hit Santa with his plane and he was dead. I mention this because Lindsay Lohan is hosting Saturday Night Live this weekend and I'll be forced to watch it and I was trying to think of something as tragically unfunny as SNL these days. NBC could probably save a lot of money and just show a live feed of a little kid with cancer in bed while he cries and hugs his puppy, who also has cancer. I bet no one would notice for at least an hour. Not because it would be any less funny than SNL, but because they normally have a band. And even though Tina Fey is the only good thing about that show (along with Amy Poehler) here are some embarrassing pictures of her that LJ sent in a little while back.



Tina is far right in both shots. One more picture and the backstory here.

It seems something new breaks everyday about the Dave Chappelle meltdown. Friday the LA Times ran a story that said Chappelle quit his Comedy Central show and then went into hiding in South Africa, which makes a lot more sense than the original reports that the network put the show on hiatus and then Dave went nuts, even checking into a mental-health facility. Now, in an article due to hit newsstands tomorrow, Time Magazine is reporting that Dave is not in an institution at all, but staying with a friend in an attempt to find a quiet place. "Let me tell you the things I can do here which I can't at home: think, eat, sleep, laugh," said Chapelle. "I'm an introspective dude. I enjoy my own thoughts sometimes. And I've been doing a lot of thinking here." Keep in mind that Dave lives on a farm in Ohio, so things must be bad if being a black guy in South Africa is more relaxing than rolling around on your piles of money in Ohio with only sheep and ducks to judge you. And before anyone in South Africa gets upset at my awesome level of nationalism, hey man, that's just how I bring it.

'El Muerto' is more than just the home of the 3-pound burrito, it's also a comic book about a man who dies on the Mexican holiday the Day of the Dead, only to be resurrected one year later, by the Aztec Gods of Death and Destiny, with supernatural powers. And now it's a movie. And it stars Fez. As El Muerto. As a zombie with supernatural revenge powers. Fez. Im gonna go out on a limb and suggest that, if you need Fez to come avenge you, you're kinda screwed. Just make your peace and deal with it. Hell, I wouldn't want him to save me, and I have no pride whatsoever. I got rescued by a little grey kitten one time after a panic attack cause a bumblebee flew right past my ear, and those press conferences where the kitten got the key to the city on the courthouse steps still left me with more dignity than if I ever had to thank Fez for anything.




Thanks to the great movie website JoBlo for a picture of the greatest movie poster you'll ever see.

If anyone needs me today, I'll be standing in line for Unleashed. So if you see anyone today and they're not standing in line for Unleashed, that's not me. I'll be the one mocking the virgins in line for Star Wars and shooting flaming arrows at the fatties in line for 'Monster in Law'. And to get psyched for Unleashed, you should check out the Massive Attack video over on Quicktime. There's a shot (at the 37 second mark, yellow background, right after a guy falls on the roof of a car) where Li grabs a dude by his collar and throws him to the ground so hard, that dude is absolutely dead. Or lying in a pool of his own sweat and urine praying to die.

None of this has really been newsworthy, so I'll just mention that Li has faced some criticism for this from fans who thought it was demeaning for Li to be treated like a dog. "They thought it was..." and Li consults an interpreter for the precise word "...insulting because Jet Li is the hero for the Chinese. Why does he have a collar on? Why is he stepped on by white people?" You can read the full story from the New York Daily News here.

From the New York Daily News : "Lindsay Lohan has gone from "Mean Girl" to "Lean Girl" in the blink of an eye. The teen screen queen shot to stardom on her wholesome good looks: red hair, freckles and a curvy figure. But these days the 18-year-old bottle blond looks more like a third Olsen twin with twiggy arms, jutting hips and a shrinking bosom. Lohan's dramatic weight loss over the last year had already sparked talk of a possible eating disorder..."

(The Internet puts its hands in its pockets, whistles and stares at the ceiling. You lnow what, fuck it, would this be a bad time to mention that delusions brought on by malnutrition and week long coke binges is no excuse for aqua-blue shoes with a bright red dress. Even the homeless guy down the street knows to just stick with earth tones if you don't have any fashion sense, and he drinks his own urine.)

Found these last night, stills from a Subway commercial that mark the humble career beginnings of OC star Rachel Bilson. I should probably make fun of her for this, but at least she got a commercial. I blew Jared and all I got was a couple punches on my sub club card. Although, now that I think about it, the tool to punch the card was just a screwdriver. That he kept on the ground. At the truckstop. And then he kept ruining my concentration and asking truckers if they wanted to "party". And then he wouldn't stop laughing after I was done and insisted his name wasn't Jared. And then he stole my sub club card.

Celebrities are so eccentric. Anyway, here are those Bilson pics. I'm gonna go shove my face in a pillow now and scream for a few hours.

The New York Daily News is reporting that "Sony Music ... hired acclaimed movie-maker D.A. Pennebaker to film a behind-the-scenes documentary about the making of Jennifer Lopez's CD 'Rebirth'. Sources say Sony execs were thrilled with his film, but that J.Lo hated the sound of her voice and 'scenes showing her abusing her employees.' Thus, the project was scrapped..."

I don't know what madman thought this up. Of course the footage was gonna be of her singing badly and yelling at her underpaid staff. It's J.Lo. This is like wearing meat-pants into a tiger cage and then wondering what that lip-smacking sound is. My great hope is that the footage still makes it out somehow. Jenny From The Block will probably squash it, but still keep the film canisters around the mansion to frisbee across the room at her staff as a lesson if they don't fold her giant underwear in that extra fancy way.