The first trailer for Peter Jackson's King Kong hit tonight and the best place to see it seems to be on Volkswagen.com. For some reason. But you can skip the ads and find the trailer right here. The film is due at Christmas and stars super F-able Naomi Watts, unfunny Hollywood funnyman Jack Black and Gargamel. He'll get those Smurfs yet, ha-ha! Wait ... no ... holy crap, that's Adrian Brody. Jesus Christ that guy is ugly. Anyway, the trailer looks pretty great, especially the anger on Kong's face in the very last frame, but I don't think it would have killed them to make sure the T-Rex didn't look exactly like the ones from Jurassic Park. It's not like anyone can say definitively what dinosaurs looked like, so Christ, give him some roller skates or something. Maybe make him real queer and swishy. We haven't seen that before. Or maybe put a upside down bowl of spaghetti on his head and give him a shirt that says "I Hate Mondays!" 'Cause that would be freakin' adorable.

I met up with Jessica Simpson this weekend, we talked for a while ... long story short, I banged her. While I was getting dressed and explaining the she needs to flush her eyes with water or that stuff will just keep burning like that, she mentioned the post we had Friday about the preliminary injunction against Warner Brothers that effectively shut down all movement, including the release of, the Dukes of Hazard movie. Jess rinsed out her mouth and explained that Warner Brothers quickly reached a deal with producer Robert C. Clark - reportedly in the form of a fat 5 million - and the movie will be released on August 5 as planned.

From IMDb: Lindsay Lohan strode past protestors at the opening of the first American De Beers store on Wednesday, despite the shouts of angry protestors. Representatives from advocacy group Survival International, who claim De Beers's diamond mining in Botswana has led to the evictions of Gana and Gwi bushmen, shouted "shame on you" and "cultural genocide" as celebrities arrived for the launch. When asked by reporters when she thought about the bushmen controversy, Lohan replied, "I don't get involved in any drama."

Lohan did not go on to add, "I'm Lindsay fuckin' Lohan you son of a bitch. Star of a little something called "Freaky Friday". Gee, maybe you've heard of it. What? No, the remake. I don't know, like 4 years ago. It had Jamie Lee Curtis. Yes, she's still alive. Or maybe she's not, the point is, what do I care if DeBeers has built its empire on blood and slavery and thuggery and robbing indigenous peoples of their land. If that's the cost of getting me a shiny rock, hey, so be it. I don't get involved with any drama. Unless it's something really important, like where my life-changing song is placed in Herbie: Fully Loaded. I'm trying to heal this planet, and how can I do that if people have to wait 20 minutes to hear my crappy music."

I'm adorable and a card but I turned down the role of the Joker in the sequel to Batman Begins, (I don't do television or comic book movies) so Paul Bettany seems like a pretty awesome second choice. And according to several outlets this morning, he is now atop a very short list that also includes Crispin Glover and Lachy Hulme. Bettany, also known as that son of a bitch attached to the penis inside Jennifer Connolly, is probably best known for his work in a bunch of movies I never saw and A Knight's Tale. He was not, however, in A Knight's Tail: Ye Olde Anal Adventure, which I mistakenly rented that time I was babysitting and meant to get An American Tail: Fievel Goes West. The movie was okay, but it seemed to freak the kids out a little. I suspect because those girls don't appear to have been real Knights at all. I pretty much run the Renaissance Fair every spring, and the lances we rent from the costume shop are pretty clear that you're not supposed to put them there.

My favorite part of this video of Chris Tucker getting pulled over in Georgia while driving 110MPH in his Bentley is when he apologizes to the cops, and then explains he's been pulled over for this before. Does anyone actually mean it when they apologize to a cop? Why do people even bother to say crap like that. It's like people who say "I'd love to help". Those people never help. Just once I'd like to hear someone say, "I'd love to help ... and here I go."

It might not the greatest idea in the world to get legal council from someone whose email starts with "SmoothB" (although Anton Scalia's email is BadMuthaFukka19, so maybe I should) but worldly reader and local heartbreaker Tom sent in two stories yesterday in regards to an injunction that went down yesterday afternoon and will prevent Warner Brothers from releasing the feature version of The Dukes of Hazard, previously due out August 5th. The full public record can be found on the website for the Federal District Court for the Central District of California. The heart of the record says the following:

"Order by Judge Gary A. Feess: granting motion for preliminary injunction. WHEREFORE, IS IT HEREBY ORDERED that ... Warner Brothers ... (is) preliminarily enjoined during the pendencey of this action from preparing producing, editing, distributing, advertising, exploiting, copying, publishing, or licensing, for theatrical sequels based on or derived from the feature motion picture "Moonrunners"

Moonrunners is the 1975 movie that is credited as the premise for the Dukes of Hazard, and they were so similiar they both even featured Waylon Jennings as the narrator. I never saw that movie because I hadn't been born yet and also because, based on a recent poll of my grandparents, I'm adorable and a precious angel and shouldn't watch movies like that, although you'd never know it by reading my t-shirt with a kitten in sunglasses on it and the phrase "Here Comes Trouble!".

Below is a screen cap of part of the Judges directive, which is worth reading just to see the phrase "Jessica Simpson is extremely hot right now" written down in a legal document to be recorded in the halls of justice forever. And thanks again to Tom who pretty much did all the work on this. Although it wouldn't have killed him to write some funny jokes, unlike the crap I threw out here. Jeez, I don't wanna throw around the word "lazy", but...




Note - I do feel compelled to mention that The Dukes of Hazard website is still up, which would seem to violate the advertising portion of this injunction, so I can't say for sure how serious this sort of thing is. It may happen all the damn time for all I know. I tried asking my life-size Torie Wilson cut-out about it, but she was all oiled up and only had one thing on her mind, baby.

Now officially dangerously insane Tom Cruise was on the Today Show this morning and what began as a typical media tongue kiss about War of the Worlds quickly ramped up into the greatest interview ever, with Cruise insisting time and time again that he knows things it's been proven he doesn't know, like during this exchange with Matt Lauer about Brooke Shields taking a prescription for post partum depression:

Lauer: But this wasn't against her will.
Cruise: Matt, I'm - Matt, I'm asking you a question.
Lauer: I understand there's abuse of all of these things.
Crusie: No, you see. Here's the problem. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do.

Just to reiterate, no, he really really doesn't. Later, the actor who failed high school and never went to college explained his depth of knowledge in regards to psychiatric medications:

Crusie: All it does is mask the problem, Matt. And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem. That's what it does. That's all it does. You're not getting to the reason why. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.

I would have mentioned that Cruise failed in high school because he was diagnosed as being dyslexic, but since there’s clearly no such thing, that pretty much leaves "he's a moron". Do whatever you have to to never have a heart attack around Tom Cruise, cause he would just use his medical expertise to put some duct tape on your chest and give you some gumdrops. And then he would convince you that the defibrillator and paramedics who later saved your life really didn't save your life. Just like people who improve on meds like Stratera and Ritalin haven't really improved on meds like Stratera and Ritalin.

Crusie: And to talk about it in a way of saying, "Well, isn't it okay," and being reasonable about it when you don't know and I do, I think that you should be a little bit more responsible in knowing what it is.
Lauer: But--
Crusie: Because you-- you communicate to people.
Lauer: But you're now telling me that your experiences with the people I know, which are zero, are more important than my experiences.
Crusie: What do you mean by that?
Lauer: You're telling me what's worked for people I know hasn't worked for people I know. I'm telling you I've lived with these people and they're better.
Crusie: So, you're -- you're advocating it?

Full transcript and video of the interview on MSNBC here. Transcript of the really good parts on Drudge here.

Another shame inducing waste of time, brought to you today by the fine folks at IMDb: "Rumors Jennifer Aniston is dating Vince Vaughn have surfaced again after the Hollywood stars were photographed hugging each other on the set of upcoming movie The Break Up. (Aniston) has been concentrating on her acting career since her split from Brad Pitt earlier this year - but pictures publishing in British newspapers show the co-stars touching each other in a way which suggests they are more than friends. In one snap published in the Daily Express Vaughn has both of his arms wrapped around Aniston, while she has both of her hands resting on his thigh."

Here are those pictures the article mentions, and the noteworthy thing here is how big Celebrity Heartthrob Vince Vaughn looks. And I don't mean fat (well, I kinda do) but he also looks taller than I remember. In the last picture, Aniston looks like she's about to jump on his back like the end of that scene where Yoda decapitated those two Storm Troopers sent to kill him. Yoda's fuckin cool!