This story has been around for a few days now, but Fox has a pretty nice summary of the details and the timeline as it's known. The gist of it is that Katie Holmes, who has always been extremely close to her family and friends and always appeared devoted to her agent and manager, disappeared for 16 days in April. 16 days where no one knew where to find her, 16 days where she had no contact with anyone she had always been close too, 16 days that immediately proceeded her explosion on the public scene as the girlfriend of Tom Cruise and a new convert to the church of Scientology.

Some people might find it curious that things like this seem to keep happening to people immediately before pledging allegiance to Scientology. And that weirdness is a completely random event that seems to follow these people 100 percent of the time. But Katie Holmes insists on wearing hilariously high heels whenever she and Tom Cruise are in public, so there's at least an once of resistance left in the girl. She does blink a lot however, and someone who knows morse code might want to look into that. I knew this dude who got duped by Scientology one day and ended up stuck in their center in Hollywood for like 10 hours. I totally meant to go save him, but then his girlfriend gave me a hand job and I got pretty sleepy.

I think his name is Baala Xenu now.

From MSN: "Cameron Diaz was left stunned after she was punched in the face by a model who claimed the actress ruined her dress at a star-studded party ... Furious Coralie Eicholtz, 23, attacked Cameron at Monte Carlo nightclub Jimmy's after saying the actress stood on her gown causing her to trip and fall."

Punching Cameron Diaz in the face has to be the most gratifying feeling in the world. And now that a precedent has been set, I'm gonna go buy a bunch of long flowing gowns and just kinda walk around where I think she might show up. So, if you guys wanna hang out or something, I'll be the real handsome guy walking around Malibu in a wedding gown with a ten foot train and a kendo stick. And if you look behind me and Cameron Diaz is walking up, cover your ears cause you're about to hear a loud snap. Followed by a bunch of crying.

note - NSFW pictures Coriale here.

These pictures of Courtney Love and Pam Anderson (Pam is the one on the right) at the premier of Rize showed up last night and it's absolutely remarkable how bad Courtney looks. I know calling her ugly is kind of redundant, but a normal human body has the occasional right angle on it. And hers used too. Now she looks like Strong Sad - look at that hoof she has jammed into that poor shoe. I've never felt so much empathy for a shoe before. I have no empathy for her since she's done this to herself, she has all the time and money in the world and yet she looks like one of those Water Weasels where one grab one end and squeeze and all the fluid inside balloons up on the other. At least she'll never sneak up on anyone, since there's probably a sloshing sound whenever she walks. And she's clearly still on drugs cause there no way you can stand on a red carpet looking like this next to Pam Anderson looking like that and not wanna put a shotgun in your mouth. Which is kind of ironic, since it's Courtney Love were talking about.

If there one thing I hate more than robots from the future who try to kill me - and I fuckin hate robots from the future who try to kill me - it's idiots who chain smoke around pregnant women. And Jennifer Garner is clearly pregnant at this point. And based on that cloud of smoke around Ben Affleck, he's either a magic dragon or he's smoking five cigarettes at a time. I'm no filthy hippy who freaks out about second hand smoke, but I also acknowledge that there's probably a reason gynecologists don't insert a pipe filled with rich tobacco during prenatal exams.

A report in this mornings Rush and Molloy column says that many of the leading names in Hollywood and Hip-Hop are anxiously waiting the release of a book by Karrine Steffans, a staple as a model in music videos for that past few years. The girl whose nickname is 'Superhead' gives details about her sexual encounters with some of the biggest names in entertainment. Some excerpts:

Shaquille O'Neal was nothing to complain about." She says that Shaq was so impressed with Steffans that, the day after meeting her, he deposited $10,000 into her bank account.

I can't imagine how terrifying it must be in some giant mansion where no one can hear you scream while you're being chased around by a naked Shaq and his giant penis. That thing has gotta be like a tree limb falling on you.

After hearing so much about Fred Durst's stature, she gushed, "to actually hold him ... felt like a privilege."

Fred Durst would fuck a beehive, so this girl might wanna reassess what she finds flattering.

Vin Diesel "was a beautiful man ... blessed with an enviable eight-pack and an even more enviable [bleep]."

I wrote 'bleep' cause the freakin article wrote 'bleep'. I assume it stands for "willingness to co-star in movies with ducks."

After inviting her to his home at 4 a.m., Sean (P. Diddy) Combs kicked his manservant Fonzworth Bentley out of a guest bedroom so he and Steffans could spend 15 minutes making love. "You're one of the best," she says P. Diddy told her. Steffans writes: "I said the same to him, when, in actuality, he was average."

Ooohhh, 15 minutes! Good job Diddy. If he wrote a song about his sex with Karrine, I bet it would go like this: "15 minutes of love, uh-huh, uh-huh, that's right, 15 minutes uh-huh, I'm talking about 15 minutes in the bed, that's right, 15 minutes, you know what I mean, in the bed, makin love at night, that's right..."

Anyway, I still have no idea who this chick is, and you prolly don't either, but if you're like me, your first thought was, "...please don't let her be white." You can find her home page here.

"While Cruise was giving an on-the-spot interview at the "War of the Worlds" premiere in London, he was squirted in the face with water. The water came from what appeared to be a microphone. Four men who were part of a freelance camera crew were arrested. They could face assault charges"

Spraying Tom Cruise with water from a fake microphone ranks pretty low on my previously uninvented list of all time red-carpet pranks. In fact I don't think I'd even rank in on my list of all time red-carpet pranks against goofy midget Scientologists. And maybe you didn't think of the part where you had to explain to your new cellmates that you're doing time for spraying water on somebody when they didn't expect it. Or maybe you can't get enough forced sodomy and this was your plan all along. Anyway, if you want to dazzle me with the red carpet water prank, try that crap with Russell Crowe or the Rock. And when you wake up six months later in a body cast and you can't reach the morphine drip you so desperately need, just know that you've earned my respect. And that I've been bangin your girl.

Watch the video here.

Don't expect Oprah Winfrey to accessorize with Hermes bags any time soon. Spies in Paris report that, in a stunning display of ignorance ... the Hermes store in (Paris) refused entry to the talk show queen. "Oprah didn't have her hair done," says a source. "When she tried the door, they refused her entry because they have been 'having a problem with North Africans' lately...'"

Quite frankly I could give a damn less if anyone is mean to Oprah Winfrey. And without her hair and makeup team and their blood-of-a-black-cat sorcery, she looks like a drag queen who should be doing "I Will Survive" in a dank karaoke bar somewhere, so Hermes is forgiven for not recognizing her, but the French can kiss my ass ever since 1986 when they wouldn't let the United States use their air space to bomb Libya, so this is as good as chance as any to point out that they're awful awful people.

I haven't killed that many people, maybe 8 or 9. And technically I guess they weren't really "people". A biologist might label them as "teddy bears", but I totally beat the crap out of them is my point. Blood - or "stuffing" - was everywhere once my hissyfit vengeance was finished, so let this be a lesson to Jennifer Lopez, cause I'm really getting tired of her crap. Just like I did with Paddington.

Her latest insanity, courtesy of IMDb:

Jennifer Lopez is so unhappy with her accommodation and on set trailer while filming Bordertown, she has demanded a luxury motor home and a private villa. (Lopez) is starring in the low budget movie shooting in Mexico as a favor to (Selena) director Gregory Nava ... but she still demands to live in luxury ... "She doesn't realize this is an independent movie - as in no studio is attached - and there is no one to pay her outrageous bills." And her superstar requirements don't stop there - Lopez is determined her hairdressers $10,000-a-day charge be taken out of Bordertown's budget ... The source continues, "The shit is going to hit the fan when she is told no one can pay for (her hairdresser) ... (Co-star) Antonio Banderas isn't asking for anything, but she is!"

I'm going to do every producer in Hollywood a favor and point out that JLo has been in 18 movies and not one has cracked 100 million, so there's absolutely no reason to put up with her idiot behavior and confusing arrogance. And if you do, you deserve what you get, which is disappointing box-office and unending demands. I guess this guy liked her cause she did a good Selena impression, but how hard is that considering no one knows who the hell Selena was. I do a good Selena impression too. But to be honest, once I dug up her grave, the rest was pretty easy.