From the BBC:

"Hollywood star Tom Cruise has become engaged to his girlfriend Katie Holmes at the Eiffel Tower in Paris. "Today is a magnificent day for me, I'm engaged to a magnificent woman," he told reporters on Friday ... Holmes, 26, was wearing a large diamond ring as she accompanied Cruise, who was promoting his film War of the Worlds in France ..."

Here's the thing about Katie Holmes: despite Tom Cruise trying to convince the world otherwise, she's not that great. She's pretty dopey actually. She's been famous for about 10 years now, but you never really saw that much on her, and now that we have, it turns out she can barely speak. And she has no core belief system. More Play-Doh than Plato. Tom Cruise showed up six weeks ago, now she dresses completely different, she's monitored like an enemy of the state and she's converting to Scientology. She's like one of those programmable pleasure robots that were supposed to have shown up by now based on movies I saw when I was a kid. So if anyone sees Katie walking around, try whacking her on the side a few times, maybe she'll snap out of this insanity before its too late, cause keep in mind, Tom Cruise gets this excited about everything. He's like a ferret on speed. He was professing his undying love for Nicole Kidman on Oprah ten minutes before he dumped her, while she was 3 months pregnant, and just a few months before their tenth anniversary, a convenient move that saved him millions in the settlement based on California law. At the time, many suggested that this was at the behest of his minders at Scientology, who had their own plans for those millions. So congratualtions Katie, if youre dream as a little girl was to marry Tom Cruise and be an easily tricked blank slate with big tits, you're a winner!

Take this chick in the picture who Mena Suvari is holding hands with and then not holding hands with when she realized there were photographers around, and then photoshop it, and add a strap-on and a gladiator outfit and replace her un-clever liberal T-Shirt with one that has a picture of a penis with a circle and slash through it and then show her morphing into a bionic rhinoceros, and then hold it up side by side with the original, and see which one looks manlier.

Yikes.



I really don't get this new look, cause it's not like Mena Suvari can't look hot every now and again.


thanks to Schizo over on JJB for finding these.

Glamour UK reports "Britney Spears says her new single is all about having a child, but Britney says she wrote it two weeks before she discovered she was pregnant. "I wrote this song at my piano, at my house. I wrote it two weeks before I found out that I was pregnant, so it was really kind of weird, because the song's about having a baby ... It's kind of like a prophecy ... Everyone in general should voice their wishes more, because I think the more you throw it out to the universe, if you're in the right space and place in your life, it's weird how the universe gives it back to you."

Someone should probably sit Britney down and explain where babies come from, cause, correct me if I'm wrong, its not from the Universe after it heard your crappy song and decided you were ready. "Prophecy" might not be the only way to predict that unprotected sex with an idiot hillbilly who is too drunk/stupid to pull out might lead to pregnancy. It's also charming that someone who has been handed millions like Britney thinks the reason the rest of us aren't rich is because we don't "voice our wishes more". Jesus Christ I hate these two. I gotta get me a bear. And teach it to maul anything in sky blue Fubu and backwards Yankees hats. And then release it in Malibu. Once chunks of guy showed up in the bears stool, animal control might be pretty upset, but then I'd explain it was Kevin Federline and we'd all have a pretty good laugh.

I can't even begin to wrap my mind around how 10 shades of crazy you have to be to take the title of 'hottest Hollywood cult' away from Scientology, but Kaballah sure as hell is trying. Radar Online has put up the first report in a series on the religion of Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Madonna, Guy Ritchie and Britney Spears. Some of the highlights include:

- The Centre's leaders have claimed its Kabbalah Water can do everything from cleansing the lakes of Chernobyl to curing cancer. All the same, Madonna is going to team up with the Centre in marketing the water to the masses.

- Kabbalah Centre founder Philip Berg has made suspicious claims about being the rightful successor to revered kabbalist Rabbi Yehuda Brandwein. Berg also settled a lawsuit that charged him with copyright infringement and plagiarism.

- The Centre has a penchant for lending money (presumably donated to the "church" by parishioners) to companies owned by the Bergs' friends. That includes one $1.8 million loan to a company that flips real estate in inner-city L.A. neighborhoods.

- The Bergs' luxurious lifestyle stands in stark contrast to the bleak four-to-a-bedroom quarters of those who cook and clean for them, making $35 a month.

The next time some celebrity wants to lecture you on politics or the environment or war, please keep in mind the other insane stuff they believe and the genuine disdain they have towards you. Have no doubt, Hollywood is filled with drug-addict, whore-chasing, fuck-ups who sincerely do believe that they're better then the mechanic in Mississippi who loves his wife and kids. The only good news is that they're rich and easily duped, so anyone with a moose costume and a flashlight could probably convince a bunch of them that only the MooseLight Foundation can show the way to true enlightenment. That should be good for at least a few million.

I'm not really sure what the relationship is these days between Angelina Jolie and ex-husband Billy Bob Thornton, so I'm not sure if this comment by him was directed at her, but the New York Daily News seems to think it was, and that's good enough for me:

"'Sex doesn't have to be with a model to be good,' Thornton says in July's Esquire. 'Sometimes with the model, the actress or the 'sexiest person in the world,' it may literally be like fucking the couch.' (Jolie was Esquire's "Sexiest Person in the World" last year.)"

We could go back and forth all day about whether I have or have not had sex with a couch, but the point here is that I find it impossible to believe that sex with Angelina Jolie is anything less than earth shattering. It got Brad Pitt to dump his wife and leave his Malibu mansion to camp out in Ethiopian villages with more types of pestilence than toilet paper, so I gotta imagine she's at least down for a frosty.

This mornings Page Six is reporting that the mystery behind the Brad Pitt / Jennifer Anniston "breakup has been solved. 'She told (Vanity Fair) she did want babies with Brad, and that starting a family wasn't the issue ... The issue was Brad cheated...'"

It shouldn't even count as cheating if you do it with Angelina Jolie. She should be some kind of exception, cause really, what choice do you have. It should just be understood that if Angelina is around, any social or sexual norms go right out the window. So if you see a general assembly at the UN and all the ambassadors have their feet up on the table and are masturbating, at first you might think, "Well that's weird," but then the camera would pan over to Jolie on stage giving a speech about starving babies getting ripped apart by crocodiles and you'd think, "Oh ok, I get it now." And then you would take off your pants.

According to Radar Online, the phone call Jenn Rivell made to a Philadelphia radio station two weeks ago was a scam orchestrated by both Rivell and Bam Margera.

"Jennifer and Bam were holding out for the highest bidder," says a source close to the former couple, who, we hear, are in on their "feud" together ... Star shelled out $8,000 for "exclusive interviews" with Margera and Rivell in the latest issue, on stands today ... A source close to the Jackass alum says that on April 19 - the night of Simpson's supposed infidelity - Margera went back with Jessica and 10 other pals to Simpson's parents' house in L.A. after partying ... at The Roxy until 2 a.m. ... "Everyone slept at Jessica's," says the source, "but no one slept with Jessica, except maybe her little dog."

If there's one thing I've learned about quality relationships, it's that nothing brings a couple together like lying about drunken infidelity on the radio for money. One of my Dr. Phil books even has a whole chapter called "Lie About Drunken Infidelity on the Radio for Money and Feel the Love Grow". I didn't read that chapter, cause I think I got the gist of it from the title, but I bet there are some pretty good ideas in there, cause who knows more about steamy relationships than Dr. Phil. Man that guy is hot!

I didn't really spend much time watching the Michael Jackson trial, and I turned in late to the verdict, so it took me a minute to realize if they were saying the boy at the center of the case "wasn't credible" and Jackson was innocent or if he "was incredible" and Jackson was in love. And now that it's over, I'd rather get advice from my grandfather about how to masturbate with a belt around my neck than spend another minute thinking about it, especially since, you know, maybe we could go fishing after that, but one story I couldn't stop reading was a series of posts put up last night on the Data Lounge website by someone claiming to be Michael Jackson's former publicist. There's obviously no way to verify this, but if this person is lying, they've done their homework, offering insight on topics such as Michael Jackson nose being recut from ear cartilage, a morphine addiction, the reason his skin has turned white, and the long long line of ever present young boys.

You can read it all here.