I don't mean to kiss and tell, but I've had my share of secret lovers. And when they look at me, they look like Jessica Simpson does here, as she gazes lovingly at her personal trainer, giving him the come hither look, normally reserved for when things bounce up into her UNDERcarriage. She doesn't even seem to care that the paparazzi busted her falling in love. I don't ask much from my woman - if they could just not cut my penis off in my sleep then throw it into a field, we're cool - but somewhere a little lower on the list is to at least change clothes before you come home after planning your affair. That would really be swell.

I read a quote like a hundred years ago where Jennifer Garner said she always wanted to "hang onto her dreams". So I'm hoping for her sake that getting impregnated by a B-List actor was one of those dreams, since it's undeniable at this point that it's happened. Jennifer Garner looks so good. And by that I mean nice and proper and clean. You normally only see faces like this on a bus to math camp or teaching Mormon Sunday school. So it's still hard to imagine that she willingly laid down with Ben Affleck. It's not hard to imagine that Affleck is such a spaz and so excited about being with a hottie like Garner instead of a bitchy lump like JLo that he couldn't hang on for more than 10 seconds and didn't pull out in time. That part snaps into focus with no trouble at all.

Al Pacino is said to be romantically linked these days to Charmed star Rose McGowan. Pacino is 65. McGowan is 31. The bile I'm gagging on is .002. Quoth Female First UK:

Pacino reportedly wooed McGowan after a date at Los Angeles restaurant Mortons. A source revealed to Us Weekly magazine: 'She thought he was too old for her at first, but Al won her over'"

The only image creepier than old people having sex is old people having sex with hot young people, so I'm gonna write this as quickly as I can. I thought "wooed" meant something along the lines of "trying to date", but then they said "after a date", so maybe I don't know what "wooed" means. I'm praying it's not some crazy UK talk for "got her in the wheelbarrow position and then finished her off with a spirited reverse cowgirl", cause I can only describe that image in my mind with one word: complete unadulterated terror. I'm hoping she's only whoreing herself out like this to advance her career, since I'm minutes away from being a powerful Hollywood playa, I'm a big supporter of that kind of "can do" spirit!

Pam Anderson: "I am not engaged to Tommy Lee ... we are friendly, we're family ... the press have some nerve. We're not back together, we just love each other! This is a huge misunderstanding ... I am NOT getting married ... Period."

Tommy Lee: "Yes, I love Pamela. That's my girl." Tommy Lee has confirmed he and his ex-wife Pam Anderson are set to exchange vows for the third time. As for a date for the big day, he added, "No date yet, baby. Soon!"

I can't even tell if these two have ever met at this point, but they're both pretty much on empty. They might as well just gun it.

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Colin Farrell gets restraining order on porno - "A temporary restraining order was issued Tuesday against a woman who is allegedly trying to distribute a sex tape involving her and actor Colin Farrell."

This whole story has hit pretty close to home with me, and I was *this* close to not filming my three way with Marissa Miller and Krista Allen over the weekend. *This close.* (I don't know if you guys are picking up on this, but I'm doing that thing where I demonstrate a very small distance with my fingers)

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Sienna Miller is furious: "Jude's been leaving Sienna, like, a million missed calls on her mobile and she hasn't picked up once," a friend told Us Weekly. Miller hid her face Monday night when she showed up to perform in the London production of Shakespeare's "As You Like It", but made sure photographers saw that her left hand was missing her gold-and-platinum engagement ring. Law and Miller are said to have met at a secret countryside location over the weekend, but her mother reported that "Sienna is angry and wants to be alone."

Below are the pictures the Rush and Malloy article mention. And here is a picture of Sienna taken July 15, with her engagement ring in clear view. And here is a picture of Jude Law taken two days from now, once it sinks in that he lost Sienna Miller cause he just had to get a piece of Daisy Wright.

"Scarlett Johansson is having a hard time getting Jared Leto out of her system," says Page Six. "The gorgeous star, 20, was dumped by the stud, 33, because she was supposedly too young for him. Johansson quickly started seeing hunky Josh Hartnett. Leto then moved onto Ashley Olsen, who is even younger than Johansson. But a good source claims Scarlett is sneaking out and having midnight trysts with Leto."

Josh Hartnett should go ahead and kill himself now, because - based on stuff I made up - it's obvious he hasn't got the penis to measure up to Jared Leto and Scarlett Johansson has gotten spoiled. Poor guy. I can't even imagine. At my first NFL training camp for the Saints, the team doctor gave me a physical and went on and on about what a glorious penis I have. And I'm pretty sure he meant it too, because during the "turn your head and cough" part, his hand seemed to linger down there a little too long. I even ... wait a second ... I never played football for the Saints. Which means I never got a team physical. Jesus Christ, who was that guy?



Pictures above are from the upcoming Lord of War, where Leto plays the brother of arms dealer Nic Cage. Leto narrowly beat out Lucy Liu and Garfield for the role, both of whom look more like Nic Cage than Jared Leto.

"Pam Anderson is hoping her third wedding with Tommy Lee will be the charm," according to a story on Page Six. "Lee - who has already walked down the aisle twice with Anderson - popped the question again on Friday at the Palms Hotel in Las Vegas. 'He got her a black diamond with two gray diamonds on the side. After she said yes, they flew on the Palm's private jet back to L.A. - but they crossed out the 'L' on the side of the jet so it said 'Pams.' The kooky couple then shacked up at the Mondrian for the weekend and told pals the wedding would happen "this week."

Just for the record, I would still bang the life out of Pam Anderson. As would every other straight guy my age, regardless of what they tell girls at the office. Pam Anderson was the defining sexual object of my youth. Taking a ride on her would be like taking a ride on the Millenium Falcon. Or having an adventure with Winnie the Pooh. I spent way too much time day-dreaming about sex with her to ever turn down the chance if it presented itself. Hepatitis? Little ragged? Little bit of a stomach? Yes to all of those - and I still don't care. Look, the odds of me getting hepatitis are pretty good anyway, so once Pam and I both have it, well my friends, now the fun really begins!



update - okay, those pictures above don't really back up my contention that Pam is still pretty F-able. Based on those pictures, it just looks like I secretly want to have sex with David Lee Roth. So I'm putting these up of Pam and Tommy on that trip the Page Six article references.




What's that you say? These pictures look like the ones on the Superficial? But they don't have the Superficial tag? And they do have the LimeLight "please do not remove" tag? Yes, well, that's because some people enjoy stealing other peoples work and pretending its their own. Which is why my archives are still up on the Superficial. He refuses to take them down, even though he has no right to them anymore. Good times, yo. Good times.

I'm freaking out a little right now because I turned my head for a second and my dog attacked a bottle of Tabasco. And I'm wondering if she can eat spicy food. Although, now that I think about it, I've seen her eat bumblebees, so she can probably handle spicy food. Why should you care about my dog and her digestive track? Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you don't, but these pictures of Jessica Biel at last nights premiere of Stealth were going up, regardless of what kind of idiot rambling I had to force in as an intro. A team of math scientists and I did some calculations and determined that Jess could look hotter here, but not without her tongue inside of Marissa Miller. And that's not an opinion. According to these beakers and science looking machines, it's a fact.





In a half-hearted attempt to make this news worthy, the remake of the Hitcher that was talked about in April with Biel in the role originally played by C. Thomas Howell is moving forward and the project now has a listing on IMDb with a 2007 release date.

"Jude Law is blaming fiancee Sienna Miller for his affair with his children's former nanny," says a report on Female First UK. Law, who seduced 26-year-old Daisy Wright while he was filming war movie All the Kings Men in America earlier this year, received a phone call from his 23-year-old partner after Sunday's devastating reports - but instead of begging for forgiveness, Law slammed Miller for driving him into the arms of Wright. A friend of Miller says, "Rather than feeling guilty and contrite he has turned the whole thing against Sienna. He said if she is not partying, she is sleeping and he completely blames her for what he has done. He told her, 'I told you I was unhappy. I told you I needed you to be there for me. Why didn't you listen to me?'" Miller reportedly told Law to "go to hell".

I feel uniquely qualified to address the Jude Law breakup since he and I have followed such similar paths. I haven't always been a sexy internet celebrity, you know. I got my start in a 'Hunks of LSU' calendar dressed as a sexy doctor, then made my move onto the soaps, starring as Max Power on General Hospital. And I feel that's similar to Jude because we both punched a lot of kitty on our way up. Unlike Jude however, I do not have a giant head like Mr. Mackey and dress like a gay cruise lines activities coordinator.

But it turns out ... ummmm ... okay, I really don't care about this story, so here are some new pictures of doughy penis receptacle Daisy Miller. And whatever council is in charge of handing out gold medals for headlines should alert everyone else that they're playing for second place now, since "we had sex on his pool table, the balls flew everywhere" is clearly going to be the winner.