Who is Ciara? Why is she famous? What does she do? Why was she on Good Morning America today? These questions have haunted man since the dawn of time, but since I don't care, I didn't bother to try to find those answers. I do know that her pants ripped in a wildly inappropriate place on live TV and that she doesn't wear underwear. And sex kitten reader Jill was nice enough to send in some high-res pictures. And here they are.

I should probably write more about this, but quite frankly, I'm extremely important and busy. Please understand that science never sleeps. So neither can I.

Contact Music is reporting that Jack Osbourne fooled Simon Cowell into believing he was a white rapper after auditioning for X Factor (the British inspiration for American Idol). The 19-year-old adopted his hip-hop alter-ego after his mom Sharon, who is a judge on the show, suggested it would be amusing to trick her fellow judges. Osbourne says:

Yes, I was a white Goth rapper. I was pretty amused with myself that I managed to pull it off. It was mum's idea. They (judges Cowell and Walsh) just stood there. They didn't know what to think. But you'll have to watch it because it's pretty funny."

If you ever live next to Simon Cowell and you're trapped in a house fire, just go ahead and immolate yourself, cause based on the history of his powers of deduction, help is not on its way. Before this, I would have put Simon on an intellectual scale above a seal who can ride a skateboard, but beneath that floating robot who keeps my pool sparkling, so I'm not really surprised he's easy to trick. For his sake, I hope he was busy thinking up new safety words for the prostitutes later, cause Jack Osbourne didn't show up as a mime or Darth Vader, he came in wearing the same crap he always wears. It's not really a disguise if you get it out of your closet. Granted, I'm a sexy cat burglar, and I know a thing or two about slight of hand, but if Jack Osbourne's idea of a disguise is black eyeliner and a cape, he might as well wear a shirt that says "not Jack Osbourne".

It's almost admirable that Tara Reid can get as drunk as she does night after night and keep coming back for more. Except from the standpoint that she took this job on E! to remind people who she was and that she was a serious actress. Call me a master detective if you want, but I'm going to suggest that this did anything but help. I know she says she doesn't have a drinking problem, but for her sake I hope she does, cause the only other explanation for looking like this and falling down this much is that you've been hit by lightning or you have a grapefruit sized tumor in your brain pressing up against whatever it is that controls balance.





update - I was kind of wondering if this girl had any friends, cause based on what I learned from the OC, friends do interventions for people like this. And also brooding bad boys who are running from their past get chicks. But back to the point: No. Tara Reid has no friends.

Jeannette Walls on MSNBC is reporting that British talk show host Richard Bacon says he legally married Britney Spears, and even though the nuptials were obviously a prank, the vows may actually be binding.

It was the first time she'd told anyone she'd split with Justin Timberlake and I had a bit of plan ... I had a vicar waiting round the corner with a real marriage certificate. I went down on one knee in front of her and said 'Would you marry me?' and she said 'Hey sure.'" Bacon called in the vicar, who had a legitimate marriage certificate, and they both signed it. But after the show was over, "I'm walking off with the marriage certificate down the corridor when this massive security guard comes hurtling after me, takes it out of my hand and tears it up as he realized what I'd done and that it was legally binding."

No one would be happier than me to stop having Britney posts on this page, but her entire life is like the punch line to a Jeff Foxworthy joke, and she's impossible to ignore. If she shows up somewhere wearing nothing but a barrel held up by suspenders and blowing into a brown jug with three X's on it, please don't be surprised.

Contact Music is reporting that Keanu Reeves has dumped 28 year old girlfriend (some say wife) Lynn Collins to rekindle a romance with 59 year old Dianne Keaton. Keaton and Reeves, 40, met and were linked romantically while the two filmed Somethings Gotta Give, before Reeves met Collins.

Historians may remember me as cruel, but I can't even begin to understand what kind of doofus would dump Lynn Collins - who kind of looks like Evangeline Lily - to have sex with Dianne Keaton - who kind of looks like Tickle Me Elmo. Pulling apart Dianne Keaton's legs to have sex with her would look like pulling apart a Monte Cristo Sandwich to have sex with that. And I like sandwiches and all, but ... ummm ... no thank you.

IMDb has something about Mena Suvari and it said something about cigarettes. I think she's against them. Or for them. She said we should feed them to orphans and ponies for all I know, cause I'll be honest with you, I didn't read the article, but I thought I would put some pictures up because I always thought Mena Suvari was underrated heat. In fact, I heard, this one time, this kid with no bone marrow in a wheelchair was watching American Beauty and she took her shirt off and the dude dramatically stood up for like the first time in 10 years. And then he went and masturbated. I think he's like an astronaut or senator now or something. True story.

The internet is a world of magical possibilities where all your dreams come true, and for some of you, another one of those gets crossed off the list today. Cause here's a video of Eva Longoria kissing another girl, from a movie called Carlita's Secret. And just to illustrate how weird Hollywood is, it's from 2004. So Eva was doing movies with the production value of a snuff film 30 seconds before becoming one of the most recognized women in the world. And if you think that's weird, how do you think I felt when the homeless guy I was burying started to move. JESUS CHRIST, YOU SAID HE WAS DEAD!





note - This is just girl kissing and should be SFW. And no, there is no sound.

I probably could have just updated that post three beneath this one, but if I do it like this it looks like I've done something. These are the pictures from the final breakup of Sienna Miller and Jude Law. By all accounts, Sienna was devastated by this, but finally decided that Jude just couldn't be trusted. And not to choose sides here, but Sienna is right. Jude's penis is like the lions from the Ghost and the Darkness. Except less choosey. It's wired to do one thing and it's never gonna stop till you kill it.

It's kind of heartbreaking to see Sienna here. She looks so sad. Seems like someone could use a little cheering up. Might be time for one of my sexxxy strip-o-grams where I put on my leather cop outfit and inform Sienna that she's got "the right to remain satisfied, baby".