Paris Latsis's father, in what is obviously an attempt to avoid sullying his family's good name any further, told Star magazine Paris and Paris aren't getting along and Latsis agrees with his parents' concerns that he's too young to do the married with children thing. The real story here is that Paris Hilton has been whoring around with someone who looks more like an insect than she does, and any entomologist will tell you Hilton and Storch are a much better match.

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I didn't watch the Emmy Awards because I don't like watching celebrity butt kissing for hours on end (unless it's a leaked stolen celebrity sex tape). Thankfully, Gorilla Mask has video of the Jon Stewart segment which was probably the only entertaining part of the show.

Cameron Diaz attended a press conference at the Toronto International Film Festival to promote In Her Shoes (a movie I won't be seeing out of principle) and she threw a hissy fit when the flashing from the cameras got on her nerves. She spewed,

Okay, collectively, how many pictures do you guys think you have? Seriously, do you communicate like this in the bedroom as well? It's insane. I'm having a nervous breakdown with all that clicking."

She was at a press conference, for chrissakes. Did she think the press would leave the cameras at home and draw caricatures or mold her likeness out of play dough instead? Cameron is one of the most punchable celebrities in Hollywood. She's an overpaid, overrated, lacklustre actress who is completely average in practically every way. And when her face isn't shellacked with foundation, it looks like the surface of the moon. She snuck onto the A-List when nobody was looking and now lashes out at the people who got her there in the first place. Celebrities have a right to be angry when they catch the paparazzi on their properties sifting through their trash, collecting used Q-tips and snot rags, but you'd think more of them would be smart enough to realize all of this is the price you pay when you seek fame. Since Cameron Diaz is demanding a 20 million dollar paycheck to giggle and snort her way through every movie, she might want to avoid burning any bridges because she's about one step away from starring in Proactiv infomercials.

I put these pictures up last night for about three minutes along with a scathing rant against our competitors, but then Jenny was level headed enough to take it down and call me a tard. But I'm putting them back up now because I just woke up and need to go walk my dog and this will look like I've done something. I should probably mention at some point that these are the premier pictures from the Westwood premier of Into the Blue two nights ago and that Paul Walker looks like my buddy Nick. And I don't mean a little like Nick, I mean exactly like Nick. Except Nick has long hair. Needless to say, Nick really pisses me off.

Just to follow up our Paris Hilton post earlier, Radar Online today quotes a source very close to the Latsis family who says that Paris 1 and Paris 2 have officially broken up, the engagement is over and the two are no longer a couple, and in fact haven't been for months.

(Their demise) began in July, when Latsis reportedly took his bride-to-be to meet his parents, only to be preempted by an expose on Hilton that included highlights from her sexual resume. The Latsises, a staunchly conservative Greek Orthodox family that until recently was sheltered from the media whirl, had dismissed talk of Hilton's sordid exploits as ungrounded gossip. But when embarrassing articles about her began appearing in their local papers, they decided to take a closer look. "

At this point Rick and Kathy Hilton flew to Greece to meet their new In-Laws:

After Mrs. Latsis found out what was going on, she quickly hopped on a boat and refused to meet with them. For their son to even think of marrying such a woman is an insult to the entire family."

My own source inside the Latsis family reveals that the family would prefer if Paris rekindled his affair with his previous flame, a male goat who had been dead for 6 weeks. My source said:

We all really liked the dead boy goat. It smelled better than Paris Hilton, and he was a better conversationalist. Sure we had to prop the goat up in a chair and hold him in with straps so he wouldn't slide under the dinner table, but we had to do the same thing with Hilton. We don't normally advocate gay animal necrophilia, but dating Paris Hilton was just too much. I don't mean to judge, but that's just embarrassing."

Source and much more: Radar Online

Thanks for the link to loyal reader Drew, who is opposed to gay animal necrophilia, regardless of what the cool kids are all doing.

Jennifer Love Hewitt says that a ghost watches her when she takes a shower and has ever since meeting with an exorcist to research her role in Ghost Whisperer which premiers tonight on CBS. Shortly after the meeting, Hewitt began noticing "strange things" at home, including lights flickering on and off and mysterious footsteps. But her most terrifying experience came when she was showering and turned to see a ghostly male figure leering at her naked. Hewitt says:

The ghost had a crush on me and liked to see me showering."

Everything about this post reminds me that Jennifer Love Hewitt is really really dumb and has really really big tits, so if you see anyone tonight and they're not in Jennifer Love Hewitt's bathroom covered in flour, rattling a chain and saying "booga booga", rest assured, that's not me.

Jessica Simpson is pretty much my dream woman, and I'm not going to apologize for that. Maybe it's just my old fashioned romantic charm, but Jessica just seems like the kind of girl that - if this were 1956 - her biggest goal in life would be to marry a dreamy doctor or mop the floor all by herself. I don't need a lot of challenging conversation or radical thinking from my women. If they could just meet my needs and do what I say while looking perky and cute, that would be great.

In case you were wondering what keeps Charlize Theron so fit and trim, it's the standard celebrity diet of chain smoking and chugging soda pop while watering your plants in a bikini. The downside is you'll also need to employ a team of make up artists, computer wizards and masters of flattering lighting who can turn you into a mutant fem-species.

Those guys called in sick today.

It didn't take long after Kate Moss's public coke binge for her to get dropped by Burberry and Chanel. And the fallout is getting worse for the crooked toothed waif now that Ian Blair, the commissioner of the Metropolitan Police in London, is investigating and considering punishing Moss. I suppose the obvious joke here is that the best punishment would be to feed her, but it'll be painful enough for her when she finally sobers up and realizes she was dating Pete Doherty who is almost as attractive as Anne Ramsey in Throw Momma From The Train.

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For those of you who care, the nominees have been announced for this year's American Music Awards. This list is chock full of crap, crap and more crap with a little less crappy crap here and there. Can't wait.

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I've never been a Bon Jovi fan especially after they resurfaced with their new metrosexual makeover, but I think I like Jon Bon Jovi now that he bashed Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Paris Hilton during an interview with Britain's Daily Telegraph newspaper. He said,

"Some people just court celebrity for the sake of it. People like Tom Cruise. He was always a great actor, but I think the man's lost it. You won't ever catch me jumping up and down on Oprah going on about how I love this woman. And then others start feeding off it. Suddenly Katie Holmes is on the cover of magazines."

"Another one is Paris Hilton Famous for being infamous And then the people who should be getting the attention, people like Bob Dylan, aren't. It's sad. These people claim they hate the intrusion that fame brings but then they bring it on themselves by having huge entourages wherever they go, attracting attention to themselves."