Three new studio tracks from the next Britney Spears album were leaked online yesterday, and - brace yourself - they're pretty much unlistenable. If people were sitting around the studio, slapping each other on the back and saying, "hey man, you're doing a really good job," I have to believe they were being sarcastic. I think the album is still unnamed and has no release date, but that's mostly based on optimism. You can hear the three tracks below, if you're into that sort of thing.

Chaotic

Over To You Now

Mona Lisa

I've never actually seen Lost, the show that won the Emmy last night for Outstanding Drama, but not for lack of trying. It would be nice if it would get to the point. If they think I have the attention span to follow that show as it casually strolls through the plot, they haven't seen my medicine cabinet. My understanding is that those people are trapped on an island with monsters, but that could mean dinosaur ghosts or alcoholic fathers for all I know. I would think dinosaur ghosts would be scary enough. Cause dinosaurs are scary and ghosts are scary, so combine their powers and you get an unkillable dinosaur, and I'm about to piss myself just thinking about it. My point - obviously - is how in the fuck did Dominic Monaghan end up dating Evangeline Lilly. The fact that a stud like me doesn't have a girlfriend and the hobbit is banging a hottie like this brings the kind of depression not even suicide can solve. I would somehow be brought back to life just to cry some more.

Now that writer/director Joss Whedon has wrapped Serenity, his full attention has turned to Wonder Woman and finishing the first outline and the story's basic structure. No word has surfaced on casting, but there are some reports that Morena Baccarin and Summer Glau are now the two leading candidates. Both actresses fit the role physically and both worked with Whedon on Firefly and Serenity. Other reports have Katherine Hiegl in the lead. Other reports say that I wore a Wonder Woman Halloween outfit until I was 13, but whoever says that is a god damn liar, and can't prove it despite what they say. That video of a boy spinning around with a golden lasso could be anyone, and to be honest, I was really more into Catwoman.





Summer Glau is pictured first, then the two together from Firefly, then Morena Baccarin.

Here's my boyfriend, Johnny Depp, being 'immortalized' in Hollywood out in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater on September 16th. There he is in picture number three thinking of the countless ways he wants to immortalize me. Don't be jealous because he's not fantasizing about you. And don't make fun of that get-up, either. He could add about twenty more necklaces and pull those pants all the way up to his neck and he'd still be delicious.

That girl you may have seen lying on the ground in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater spooning that slab of concrete and obsessively stroking his handprint while humming the tune to everyone's favorite stalker song, Every Breath You Take, wasn't me. Stop questioning me!

Christina Aguilera was looking like a juicy piece of eye candy when she showed up at the Us Weekly Young Hollywood Hot 20 Party on September 16th. I'm still amazed that she's the one out of the Aguilera/Spears rivalry who got hotter and more talented with age and Britney's looking to follow the career path of Kirstie Alley. Recently, when asked about what she thought about Britney's new baby Christina said,

I don't know where I was for a while when she was pregnant but it really kicked in at that point. It's like: 'Wow, she had a baby! That's crazy!' "I'm overjoyed and thrilled for her. It's such an exciting time in her life and I just wish her the best."

Christina makes lying look cute.

Guy Ritchie says he will cast his wife, Madonna, in another movie even though Swept Away was an embarrassing failure and Madge's influence was likely the kiss of death for Revolver. It may seem like an ill thought out decision on Guy's part, but there are a couple of things to consider here. Even though many people love to hate Madonna, most will still watch her movies because either they need new material with which to make fun of her, or they're closet Madonna fans. Another thing to keep in mind is that Madonna is worth like a bazillion dollars and she's a psycho hose beast when she's angry (plus she's really buff). If this is what Guy needs to do in order to keep the peace in their 75 homes, then more power to him.

In other news, Madonna's new album, Confessions on a Dance Floor, is set to be released on November 15, 2005. Below is the cover of the new album. I prefer her as a slutty, cone shaped bra wearing, cat o' nine tails wielding platinum blonde, but I'm a freaky horndoggie, so I guess you'd expect that of me.

Liv Tyler is maybe the only "amazing Hollywood beauty" who, if she tried to kiss me, I would do that thing where I lean back a little and instead offer her a hearty handshake. And not just cause she got so heavy. Her features don't really come off as attractive in real life. And also cause she got so heavy. I don't want to call her fat, but if she and I ever work in an office that sends us on a retreat, and we're partnered up to do trust falls, she's going to have trust issues from now on. By the way hun, that's not how you use a bike helmet. Its not designed to be a counterweight to your more food.

IMDb is reporting that "Jude Law whisked Sienna Miller off for an evening at London hotel The Savoy last night, sparking fierce speculation their romance is back on. The pair were photographed coming out of the Wyndham's Theatre holding hands after Miller's performance in As You Like It, before they leaped into a waiting car which sped them straight to the glitzy hotel." Said an onlooker:

"The two of them came out looking very relaxed and happy, hand in hand. When they left she looked really coy but pleased and he basically looked very happy with himself - like he'd finally won her back. Jude whisked her off to the Savoy."

How the onlooker knew they left and went to the Savoy, the article doesn't say and I'm not quite clear. I saw a robin today, and I'll be honest, after it flew away, I can't swear to you about its day. Then again, I'm a man of action, and I don't have time to follow boring actors, chicks I never should have heard of or pretty red birds. I cant go into details, but I'm often dropped behind enemy lines. There's lots of repelling and generals stressing the plausible deniability of my actions. Oh, but here are those pictures nonetheless.