Britney has now named her son and the days when she was going to name him "Charlie" or "Vegas" seem almost charming in comparison to Preston Spears Federline. The Cliff Notes version of yesterday from the New York Post

Spears became mother of a bouncing baby boy named Preston Michael Spears Federline. Spears and her husband, aspiring rapper Kevin Federline, were rushed to the UCLA Santa Monica Medical Center with a police escort, according to Us Weekly. Six hours later, Spears gave birth via Caesarean. This is Spears' first child, but Federline's third - he has two kids with Shar Jackson, whom he threw over for Spears."

I'm borderline amazed she even released the name of the kid, and didn't wait for the bidding war to commence so she could whore out the last remaining shreds of dignity between these two. Is there any doubt the aspiring rapper spent more time last night on the phone with tabloids and a roll of film in his hand than he did with the baby. And that the kids first words are gonna be "I aint playin, yo."

Brad Pitt is said to have a nude scene in the Assassination Of Jesse James, which he is currently filming in Canada. As the Sun UK notes, the 41-year-old Pitt last bared flesh in his 2004 movie Troy. A source told US Weekly:

(In the script) a fully nude Pitt baths himself with a washcloth while standing in a tub. This is a pretty long nude scene for any actor."

If you haven't seen Brad Pitt naked by now, you clearly haven't tried very hard. I haven't tried at all and I can think of at least three times. People seem to think that because he's ripped out and naked all the time he's some kind of sex machine. Well I'm here to tell you he's not a sex machine. At least, I haven't seen him at any of our meetings.

The great JoBlo has the poster for Just Friends, a holiday comedy starring Ryan Reynolds, Amy Smart, Anna Farris and - for some reason - Chris Klein. In the movie, Ryan is a record exec in a relationship with Christina Aguilera the character played by Farris. And while he looks like Ryan Reynolds now, he used to look like Ryan Reynolds in a fat suit. But now he's thin and he gets his chance at the girl of his dreams. The moral of course is fat people can never be loved.

I don't know how or when this happened, but fat people are like the last people it's socially acceptable to make fun of. At some point it stopped being okay to make observations about the micks, ginnies, spics, coons, wops, chinks, gooks or kikes, regardless of its merit. Oh, and the injuns. Man, make fun of those red-devils and you'll never hear the end of it. But, if you're nice to them, they'll give you tips on growing peyote and teach you to brush a pony's hair. At least that's my understanding. So, hey, maybe take one to see that Ryan Reynolds movie. (in eighth grade English, that's what we called 'coming full circle'.)

Click here to see more pics on JoBlo. Here to see the pretty funny trailer.




By they way, we got an angry email calling us racist for making fun of Jay-Z. We almost didn't even get to it because it got buried under all the angry email calling us racist after we said Britney is a possun-eatin hick for the millionth time. Oh wait, no, it didn't. Here's the thing if you think I'm racist: I don't care.

Jenny here with some links for y'all:

Four months after they were married, Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney are having their marriage annulled. It's refreshing to finally hear something other than the same old, monotonous "irreconcilable differences" as the excuse for a celebrity divorce. Renee cited "fraud" as the reason for their split. We can only assume "fraud" means Chesney finally took his giant cowboy hat and cool-guy puka shell necklace off long enough to reveal the insecure bald guy underneath. Don't get me wrong, I think bald guys can be pretty sexy, but the bald guy needs to own his baldness. Chesney just seems like the type of guy who, when about to have sex, would lay there in the bed with the covers pulled up to his neck wearing nothing but his hat, and in a whiney voice beg Renee to go switch off the lights before he took it off.

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Gorilla Mask has asked us nicely to sign their petition to force Jennifer Love Hewitt to shut up and finally show everyone her boobs. Isn't that really what everyone has been waiting for? Like that creep, Tom Cruise, Jennifer is the same person in every movie. Herself. But she does have a nice rack and that's pretty much the only reason anyone cares about her and she keeps getting parts in movies I almost never watch. A decent nude scene and more acting classes is all the girl needs to boost her career. Oh, a personality might help, too.

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Lastly, in case you haven't heard already, Kate Moss likes to snort big fat lines of coke. As seen in the picture below (courtesty of Gawker) someone snapped a photo of her doing her best Scarface impression on a CD cover at a recording studio where her boyfriend, Pete Doherty is working on his new album. It's always a good idea in this day and age (when even infants are carrying camera phones) to break out your stash in public. And it's an even better idea to choose a guy who smokes crack and heroin to be your boyfriend when you're trying to kick the habit. Hey, at least she made it celebrity cool by snorting it through money while wearing go-go boots and a slutty skirt.



Thanks to hotties Matthew, Dietram and Nick for the heads up.

Britney Spears is making sure to include the rituals of her new religion in the birth of her child, who is due any day now. She credits Kabbalah with turning her life around and now wants the religions birth ceremonies followed to the letter. This includes Kevin Federline reading aloud from the Zohar - the Kabbalah Holy Book - which is written in ancient Hebrew. He will have to chant a prayer known as "Ana B'Koach," and the "42-letter name of God."

Is it really the greatest idea in the world to have Kevin Federline standing over a newborn reading spells in a language he doesn't understand. I don't know what "Umm, like ... Melchizedek ... and all" does to ancient prayers, but odds are, from that point on, Britney will just have an endless line of colorful scarves coming out of her vagina. Delivery rooms aren't exactly serene meadows of happiness, the only sound being the unicorns as they frolic. It's nothing but chaos and yelling and screaming, and this retard is expected to read Hebrew. The dude is naming his son London Preston; two syllable words that rhyme, you really think he's ready for the 42 letter name of God. By their own admission, neither one of them understands this crap, one wrong word could turn the kid into a rabbit or flock of doves for all they know.

Oh but hey, don't let me stand in the way of your totally legit religion that charges 26 dollars for 6 inches of magic string. You kids have fun with your rabbit.

Several Italian papers reported yesterday that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are now planning their wedding. The ceremony will be held in the next few months at Villa Oleandra, the villa on Lake Como formerly owned by John Kerry, who sold it for 10 million in 2002 to George Clooney. According to the newspapers they will get married in Como and also spend part their honeymoon there.

I woke up today on a bed made from hundred dollar bills snuggled between a half dozen girls with sticky red hair, so I've obviously got it all figured out, but even I have to admit that these pictures of Villa Oleandra make it look pretty great. And since I'm a huge fan of pictures with the word "proof" plastered across the front, well, I don't want to ruin the surprise, but man was I in luck. And if you're wondering, "Hey you handsome devil, with all this wedding planning, does Angelina even have time to get hammered and stumble around drunk?" Well, Yes. Yes she does.






update - Some people say Angelina never looks bad. Some people have never seen her dance. You may have done this move the last time you went on a roller coaster or asked your mom for "upsies".

Jenny here throwing some late night links at you:

The kid who was good enough to hack Paris Hilton's cell phone and share its contents with all of us has been sentenced to 11 months in jail. Paris Hilton should send a solid gold 'Thank You' note to anyone who sells her nakedness. Without these sex tapes and phone hackings she'd still be a filthy rich whore that people love to hate, but one without a t.v. show, movie and *cough* record contract.

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I guess it's time to place bets on how soon Madonna will be filing for divorce from Guy Ritchie because Guy has allegedly quit the Kabbalah. Ritchie is reportedly blaming the failure of his gangster flick, Revolver, on the ol' ball and chain because she insisted he include Kabbalah references in the movie. Guy might also want to place some of the blame on his tiny balls because he wasn't brave enough to say "No".

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I'd be flattered if like Renee Zellweger I was specifically selected for a big movie role, but not so much if it was because I was known for my raging case of acne.

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D'Angelo who is probably best known for that music video for that song I don't remember where he's naked and almost flashing his sausage got himself arrested for being a drunken, pot smoking cokehead.

[Via College Humor]

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SmitHappens has the entire collection of one of my favorite SNL sketches, Celebrity Jeopardy.

[Via Gorilla Mask]

The great Radar Online - who is owned by the same parent company as the New York Daily News and US News and World Report - is claming that Britney Spears is giving birth to her first child, a son to be named London Preston, as we speak, at 11:33 Pacific Coast Time. Radar says:

A little (but very reliable) birdie tells us that Ms. Spears is giving birth (via C-section) at Cedars-Sinai right now. The Federcletus has arrived!"

The water streaming down my cheek right now either means this touching moment has moved me to tears, or I just kicked the fuck out of my table as I sat down to write this. Okay, yeah, that's blood. BRB.


update - A call to the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles confirms that their maternity ward nurses are rude too busy for shennanigans, and hang up on you as soon as you say "Britney Spears". Interpret that however you like.

sexy new update - The National Enquirer is also reporting the story and adding that Britney's C-section began at 7:30 am/PT. She arrived for surgery at 6 am/PT.

grrr, look at this update - It has begun. E! Online and US magazine say that "Britney Spears gave birth shortly before 1 p.m. Wednesday at Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center. Spears and Kevin Federline arrived at the hospital with a police escort shortly before 6 a.m. and medical staff whisked Spears into a birthing suite. According to hospital sources, Spears was wheeled into a delivery room about 12:15 p.m. and within minutes the first-time mother had delivered via C-section with Federline by her side."

Mother and child both are reportedly fine.