Britain's Grazia Magazine is reporting that Nicole Kidman is "devastated that ex-husband Tom Cruise is expecting a baby with new fiancee Katie Holmes." Now, if by "devastated" they meant "incredulous" or "relieved", I can completely understand that. Nicole seems like a pretty intelligent person (or maybe it's just that sexy accent), so it is hard for me to believe that she can't see through this Cruise/Holmes sham. Why can't I stop thinking about that hot Australian accent of hers? I love a good accent. It doesn't even have to be as thick as Madonna's fake English accent, and it still gets me all hot and bothered. Anyway, the article I was originally talking about states that

"According to pals, the Oscar-winning actress is also worried about how the new arrival will impact on the couple's children, Connor and Isabella."

If I were Nicole, I think I'd be a little less worried about a fetus and more worried about the fact that her children's father is insane and be thankful that none of those kids have his rabid cult fanatic DNA. Chances are pretty good Katie Holmes will give birth to a straight jacket.



Related entries:
The future in-laws hate Tom Cruise
Katie Holmes is brainwashed
Tom and Katie are expecting
Pray for Buffy
Cruise is still mental

Lenny Kravitz is one of the sexiest musicians alive. However, he is not scoring any points on my sexy-meter with yet another story about how he craps so enormously that he can plug the toilet at will and then just lets the poo-water flow like Niagra Falls. I have lived below my share (and probably your share too) of inconsiderate jackasses, but even they would turn off the water and throw down a few bath towels before the liquid stink worked its way through the floor and into my unit. The current lawsuit, as reported by the always juicy Smoking Gun was brought by the tenant two floors below. Hard to imagine, but Lenny's superhuman crap can apparently translocate past the unit below him and appear wherever Lenny's wicked mind desires.

Metrosexuals don't usually do it for me, but there's just something undeniably hot about Lenny. If I lived with him I might even be able to overlook what may turn out to be some sort of fetish. But I do draw the line at a "glass bottom boat", Lenny. Even I have limits.

• Hilary Duff's mosquito bites [Hollywood Tuna]
• Mariah does Santa [City Rag]
• Elisha Cuthbert on the cover of Arena magazine [Gorilla Mask]
• Daniel Craig, the new James Bond, hates guns [A Socialite's Life]
• Kristen Bell has no social life [Egotastic]
• Jennifer Ellison brings out the best [Just Jared]

Yahoo! Entertainment has reaffirmed my faith in the unchanging nature of the human pysche with the story of Tonya Harding's latest brush with the law. Here it goes:

Tonya Harding tussled in her home with a man she described as her boyfriend, prompting an emergency call by the figure skater-turned-boxer and an arrest of the man. Christopher Nolan was charged with assault and pleaded not guilty Monday. He told deputies Harding threw him down and bit his finger when he said she had too much to drink on Sunday. The 27-year-old Nolan was ordered to stay away from Harding and to avoid alcohol. Harding had a small cut over her right eye and an abrasion on her left cheek. Initially, Harding called 911 and said she was attacked by two masked men who came to her home and assaulted her before she could escape."

I don't have trouble believing any of that article, even the part where she threw her man down and bit his finger, but does she really think that the coppers would believe her about unknown masked men being the culprits? Does she even remember that little flap about Nancy Kerrigan? Because I sure do. I owe Tonya big time for giving me the idea to have my boyfriend maim all the chicks that worked at Hot Dog On A Stick with me so I could be employee of the month and get that sweet parking spot right by the mall employee entrance. He was the best boyfriend ever.

Poison guitarist C.C. Deville (Google him if you have no idea) was sentenced to 80 days in jail when he pleaded no contest to one charge of driving under the influence causing injury, after he ran into two, yes two, parked cars. The article continues,

DeVille, whose given name is Bruce Johannesson, was also sentenced to five years probation, fined $1,000 and ordered to surrender his licence for a year, city prosecutors said Monday. The 43-year-old rocker known for his over-the-top antics hit a parked vehicle Aug. 24 while he was backing out of the driveway of his girlfriend's home, prosecutors said. He allegedly rammed another parked car, deploying his vehicle's air bags and injuring his girlfriend.

It's a shame the judge couldn't be a bit more creative and make C.C. agree to stop driving or performing forever. This guy must have been really twisted to hit two cars. I usually sober up significantly after the first impact.

Just a bit of advice there Bruce, maybe you should leave the hairspray and eyeliner at home when you do that 80 days in jail. Then again, being an inmate's girlfriend might not be as bad as it sounds, so give it a shot.

• More proof Paris Hilton slept with Tom Sizemore [CityRag]
• Tom Sizemore is many bad things, but he's no liar
  
• Lindsay Lohan is lippy [Hollywood Tuna]
• Reno 911 = funny [Gorilla Mask]
• Drew Barrymore rocks on [A Socialite's Life]
• Elton vs. Madonna: The bitchfight continues [Perez Hilton]
• Skateboard vs. rider: guess who loses [College Humor]
• Natalie Portman: football fan or soccer hooligan [Egotastic]
  
• Fox Fall 2005 casino party [Just Jared]
• More Ryan and Rachel so together [popsugar]

E!Online is reporting that Tori Spelling had her therapist call up her husband and break up with him for her. Granted, they were only married for about a year, and he is even more of a D-List actor than she is, but that's still pretty damn brutal.

My parents had the nanny tell me that I was adopted, which I can totally understand because they had a Scrabble tournament to attend. It's pretty obvious where I get my empathy and kindness.

Hollywood kicked off the awards season by giving out awards for movies people haven't seen at the Hollywood Film Festival. Fortunately we'll all be spared from the sappy speeches and circle jerking because the Hollywood Awards are not televised. Since shows like this are usually good predictions of who'll win Oscars and some of you care about that stuff, I'll recap who won what. Sam Mendes won the best director award for Jarhead, Joaquin Phoenix won the actor of the year award for Walk the Line, Charlize Theron won the actress award for playing another unattractive woman in North Country, Rachel McAdams won a breakthrough performance award for The Family Stone, Jake Gyllenhaal won a breakthrough performance award for Jarhead and Gauge won best actress for best DP gang bang scene ... er ... oops. I should really stop browsing the AVN site while I'm working.

Oh, and Rachel, dear. Girls shaped like ironing boards don't look more chesty and shapely in ugly strapless dresses that constantly look like they're sliding off because nothing is holding them up. Fashion advice at no charge.