Contact Music is reporting today that David and Victoria ("Posh Spice") Beckham are faking wedded bliss in order to keep the money flowing by selling their 'happily married' image.

The Real Madrid footballer and his wife are suing the News Of The World over an article published last year (04) in which their former nanny, Abbie Gibson, claimed the Beckham's marriage has broken down.

During the pretrial hearing at London's law courts yesterday (17OCT05), defence lawyer Richard Spearman, QC, told presiding judge MR Justice Gray, "Because their substantial fortunes depend upon their public perception, the claimants have been cynically and hypocritically trying - for financial reasons - to convince the public that they continue to enjoy a happy marriage.

The true position is that their marriage has been rocked and seriously damaged by the first claimant's (David's) infidelity and betrayal of the second claimant (Victoria), leading to inevitable tensions and rows between them."

Of course their marriage is a big sham. Nobody as delicious as David Beckham could stand to be married to an arrogant, pig nosed leatherface like Posh Spice and not get a piece, or several pieces on the side in order to maintain his sanity. The man should not be the only pretty one in a relationship between a man and a woman and the woman should not spend the marriage turning herself into a flat piece of tanned hide whose only round parts are nostrils and cantaloupe implants. Sometimes it's better not to screw with nature.

Below are pictures of Victoria at the Fashion Rocks party and charity show and I'd like to thank the woman in black in the fourth picture for that look on her face which kept me laughing for about five minutes and sums up what took me about thirty minutes to write.



Related entries:
Posh is literate
Victoria Beckham is made out of leather

The life size love doll which was modelled in Kelly Carlson's likeness for an episode of Nip Tuck won't be available to the public any time soon because Kelly wants to keep her.

I became very protective of that sex doll, because it looks like me and I didn't want anyone violating it. So instead of putting it on eBay, I keep her at home. In fact, she's sitting in a chair in my living room reading a book."

That article brought back memories of an ex-boyfriend of mine. He had a few life size dolls sitting around his house. I just thought he had eclectic taste in decor, but the cops told me those dolls were the dead rotting corpses of his ex-girlfriends covered in papier mache. Gosh, he was so artistic. I really miss that guy.

Page Six is reporting that People magazine has outbid OK! magazine for the first look at Britney and Kevin's baby.

OK! Magazine paid Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher $3 million for the couple's grainy black and white wedding photos, but the British import has lost out in the bidding for Britney Spears' baby pictures of Sean Preston Spears Federline. OK! was said to have offered up to $2 million for exclusives of the whole family together - but has lost out to People magazine. A rep for People declined comment, but a rep for Spears said, "If this is true, they will probably donate the money to charity."

If donating the money "to charity" means Kevin is joining up with Michael Jackson's father, Joe Jackson, "to build a multi-million dollar dance school" as explained in this MSNBC story, then Britney's rep isn't the big liar I thought she was.

Britney and her ten gallons of breast milk came out of hiding this weekend to consume thousands of calories with various people. There she is on Friday with Kevin who is sporting the official hairstyle of Rikers Island. I'm not sure why he didn't go for the Jheri curl and shower cap look, but he's keepin' it real enough for me.



Pictured here are Britney, her straggly hair and her gaggle of gabby glam girls out and about on Saturday. I've always been annoyed and confused by the stupid pants Britney wears. Practically every pair she owns are about ten inches too long, drag on the ground and hide any evidence that she has feet. I'm not sure what fun house mirrors she has around the house, but these pants aren't making her appear any taller. If she's going for the look of a double manatee amputee, then she's doing a fantastic job.



Related entries:
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• Fall Television Shows You Won't See
• Here's the proof that Jennifer Aniston has put the Brad old days behind her to concentrate on a new romance.
  

Madonna doesn't let her kids watch television, read magazines, drink milk or eat ice cream. My sources (who my therapist calls the 'voices' in my head) tell me that laughing, smiling and blinking are also off limits, but for some reason Madonna doesn't share that part with the public.

I hear these pictures from a few days ago were taken outside the Roxy in New York City where it's been rumored she's planning a surprise performance to promote her new album and her new look which is the worst one yet. She looks head to toe ridiculous here, and as though she was inspired by Violet Beauregarde as she reached the blueberry pie stage of her chewing gum in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But those dumb shoes are the worst part (yes, even worse than the hair). Please, for the love of all that is sacred and holy, do not allow her to bring those hideous ankle boots back in style. Let this be the one Madonna look people do not copy. I'd rather wear jelly pumps and slouch socks and shoot myself.



Thanks to most helpful Matthew and Bill for their submissions.

Access Hollywood is reporting Siegfried Fischbacher, the still functioning half of everyone's favorite fabulous old foreign magician duo Siegfried & Roy, is being sued in a Las Vegas court by some douche who claims that Siegfried was drugging Roy excessively against his will following the famous tiger mauling, and when said douche tried to protect Roy, he was fired.

True story: I know a guy who was working construction at the Siegfried & Roy compound, and he got fired because he stared at the recuperating Roy for like 5 seconds too long, so I doubt that the douche's story is all that credible. It's pretty obvious to me that Siegfried loves that Roy like a tiger loves to bite people on the neck.

I have had my team of legal experts analyze the lawsuit, and they have advised me of the following:

1. It is impossible to have a will of any kind when you are a turnip.
V. The Rule Against Perpetuities probably does not apply to this case.
F. Douches file crappy lawsuits against rich people all the time.
9er. After a tiger mauling, the nicest thing you can do for the "maulee" is give him excessive amounts of drugs.

Jude Law and Salma Hayek were seen out on a date and flirting up a storm in Paris at Man Ray Tuesday night. Upon hearing the news, Sienna Miller decided it would be a good idea to pay him a visit the next day.

A source is quoted in Britain's The Sun newspaper as saying: "Sienna threw herself at Jude. She walked into the restaurant where he was having lunch with a pretty brunette, who wasn't Salma, and she got down on her knees and wept. She was sobbing uncontrollably and telling him, 'Don't go, don't go'. At one stage she had her head in his lap."

Yeah, that was smart. Nothing makes a guy swoon more than the stench of desperation, especially when he's still covered in the sweet smell of sexy Salma Hayek. Sienna should reconsider her strategy because judging from Jude's dating pattern lately, Sienna's not going to turn him on by continuing her current diet of not swallowing her food.



Related entries:
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Sienna Miller is heartbroken
Jude Law needs to rethink his approach
Jude Law should just kill himself

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