Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe are officially back together, not because they realize they are soulmates, but because they couldn't decide how to divide their large collection of pets. The couple owns parrots, dogs, a cat and a rabbit

A family source says, "Hilary and Chad realized how much they loved each other when they spent time together with their pets. ... They are one big happy family and don't want to break it up."

I guess a cute pets story is a better way of saying Hilary found Chad in the garage sucking on exhaust and listening to Tori Amos, so I wish the happy couple the best of luck. Things will be better now that Chad realizes that after Hilary finishes nailing him with her strap-on, he can only request to be held and to cry for no longer than ten minutes.

Hilary at the 43rd Annual Publicist Awards on March 1st:


And Hilary looks pretty hot here, so they're going up just because:

Rumors of a pending split between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are now being fueled by Tom's insistance that the baby should be delivered according to Scientology doctrine. Katie's friends are concerned that she has been having a tough time dealing with the proposed birthing plans which include no painkillers and no screaming and separating the baby from Katie for a couple days immediately after the birth.

In Scientology, mother and child are separated for days after birth to reduce trauma and provide time to recover, says a source. The mother is discouraged from holding or cuddling the child. "The baby should not be bathed or chilled but should be wrapped somewhat tightly in a warm blanket, very soft, and then left alone for a day or so," Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard wrote in a Dec. 20, 1958, bulletin titled "Processing a New Mother."

200 years ago Native American women gave birth squatting by a tree with a stick in their mouths, yet that seems more medically advanced than what Scientology has in mind for all the ladies. I'd much prefer a nice piece of peyote and some elk blood on my head, than having to push a ten pound object out of my body without making a sound because a misogynistic cult believes Xenu blew people up in volcanoes. Some stuff you just can't make up.


Related entires:
Katie Holmes is Brainwashed
Another Ride on the Cruise Crazy Train
Catching Up With Cruise

Lindsay Lohan has three signature moves when posing for cameras - the stupid blowing kisses pose, the more stupid flashing a peace sign pose and the one she apparently likes the most which is the hardcore, nonconformist tough girl flipping off the camera pose. Gosh, I'm having such a hard time choosing which one I like best. Lemme think about it, okay, I choose none. I have failed again in my quest to be cooler than Lindsay Lohan, so if you'll excuse me, there's a bowl of Corn Flakes here waiting for my tears.

Hey, nice bong, girls.


Note: Many people are claming this photo featuring yet another Lohan peace sign flashing also features a fat line of coke on the table behind Lindsay. As much as I can't stand the girl, I don't agree. I think it looks very much like a silver Zippo lighter sitting on its side reflecting light, possibly from the camera flash. Either that or it's the Loch Ness monster. I haven't decided.

Picture credit thanks to Nate via email.

Related entries:
Lindsay Lohan Slips a Nip

• Kevin Federdouche in Hawaii [Hollywood Rag]
• Eva Longoria wants to get pregnant. Any givers? [A Socialite's Life]
• Lindsay Lohan tries to disassociate from fellow media whores [Egotastic]
  
• Ew. Too close to Jessica Simpson [Popsugar]
• Double ew. Jessica and Asslee kid pics [City Rag]
• Don't hire Carmen Electra for sex [Hollywood Tuna]
• Red, white and busty Christina Aguilera [Just Jared]
• Meg Ryan ruined her hotness [D Listed]
• They Call This "Rebel Music" (Dave Chappelle's Block Party) [Pajiba]
• Paris Hilton's impersonator is a tranny. Makes sense. [Jossip]
• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog takes on Chinese New Year [Daily Sixer]
• Mmmm ... David Hasselhoff. Ooga chakka ... [College Humor]
• Rescue these kids from Britney Spears. Stat. [People We Love To Hate]
  

Speaking for the first time about designer Isaac Mizrahi's groping of her breasts on live televison at the Golden Globes six weeks ago, Scarlett Johansson says she was "sort of shocked," but isn't angry about it.

I'd been prepping for two hours with hair and makeup and getting dressed. And the first interview I do, someone who I have never met before fondles me for his own satisfaction. Mostly, I was thinking, 'Oh, my god. This is happening on live TV.' I don't think he got a huge thrill out it. He was making some shocking show or whatever for his channel and wanted to be different and racy and all of those things. When it happened, I think I actually said, 'What the heck is going on?' At the same time, people made a huge deal out of something that, in the moment, was not as exciting as it seemed afterward. "I'm not mad at him," she said. "I think he's a guy that's starting his TV career and he's making a bit of an exciting moment for himself. I can't be angry at him. Surely he is thrilled with the press and the attention it's getting."

It's a glorious and exciting time to be gay. A rugged cowboy one minute, molesting a young Hollywood starlet on live television with zero consequences the next. I'm far too committed to vaginal sex to start now, but if most women are as cool as Scarlett was about this, I may need to ask Ricky Martin and Jake Gyllenhaal to bring me all of their He-Man videos and Cher CDs so I can catch up.

The video of Scarlett's boob groping is here.

Scarlett in March 2006 Hungarian Elle:


Related entries
Scarlett Johansson Gets Molested
Scarlett Johansson Tries Too Hard?

I know Keira Knightley has been on here a lot lately, but she's nominated for an Oscar and she's hot, and that's why I keep scrounging for anything new about her. That and I may be obsessed with her. So, here she is on Ellen Degeneres playing "Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head" with her teeth. The whole video is pretty much a close up of her mouth, so if you can drown out Ellen's annoying ass long enough to concentrate on that and Keira's voice, be warned. This clip will haunt your dreams and cause arguments with your girlfriend.

Watch Keira's mouth talents here.

Kevin Federline recently called Malibu's Moonshadoes restaurant prior to his wife's arrival, not to arrange any sort of surprise or plan anything romantic, but to take another opportunity to tell perfect strangers that his wife is a fat ass. After Britney's party finished their meal, the waiter refused to bring out the dessert tray and reportedly told Britney:

I'm sorry, Ms. Spears, but your husband called here a few minutes ago and told us you weren't allowed to have dessert. In fact, we've been told that no one at the table can have dessert--because you'll eat it."

Calling Britney Spears fat is like a fart joke. No matter how many times you hear it, it's still funny. Personally, I could go on all day making up new ways to call her fat but that commitment is due to a deep seated bitterness and sense of betrayal that I feel when watching the "Toxic" video. Even without the airbrushing, you normally don't see a change that drastic unless you teleport with a fly. Although K-Fed makes a valid point, this is partly his fault and I am far too stuck up to give either of these two hillbillies credit for anything. If K-Fed rescued me from a burning car, I'd still tell the police that he tried to rob me.

K-Fed last week:

Angelina Jolie made a startling discovery while unpacking in her and Brad's new house - his little black book. And I don't mean a euphemism for an item that contains chick's numbers, but an actual black book. The book was so old that is predated Brad's relationship with Aniston from back when all of L.A. had a 213 area code. The report goes on to say that Angelina was a bit upset, and when Brad returned from a trip she told him that she had "found some of his bimbos' numbers." According to an insider, Brad "grabbed her and held her in a long embrace and told her he couldn't believe that she was the jealous type." A few days later, Angelina surprised Brad with a Blackberry with a note that said: "Call me sometime 'Big Boy', A."

I personally don't think Angelina was jealous. She's six months pregnant. In my experience, pregnant women are a walking hormone, so I'll give her a pass. But see, this is the very reason Brad is with Angelina. She's cool. Because she knows, and he for damn sure knows, that now that he is with her, the names in this book are completely useless and unnecessary. Kinda like an episode of Friends.

Angelina and Maddox yesterday (March 1st):