As a sure sign that Damien's arrival is imminent, Scientologists were spotted carrying huge posters into Tom Cruise's Beverly Hills mansion on Monday that read, "Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable," to remind Holmes to be quiet during child birth. Scientology founder and science fiction writer, L. Ron Hubbard, decreed that all mothers must remain as quiet as possible so the child will not be traumatized during labor. Tom tried to defend the Scientology ritual by saying,

There have been misinterpretations that the woman can't make any noise, and that's just not true. It's nutty. No, but just calm and quiet. I want Katie to be as comfortable as possible."

Except for the scare that David Beckham and I had that one time, I have never been pregnant. So I really have no idea nor do I have any frame of reference of what it's like to have a human in my body for nine months, knowing that it will eventually have to come out painfully. Just like L. Ron Hubbard and Tom Cruise don't. So Tom, the next time I drop an anvil on your balls, I'll do my best to make sure you are as comfortable as possible.

Tom and Katie March 22nd at Connor's Little League game:

In the upcoming April 4th issue of FHM, Scarlett Johansson tops the list of the "100 Sexiest Women in the World", beating out last year's #1 Angelina Jolie. Jolie is #2 this year, followed by Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Keira Knightley, Halle Berry, Jenny McCarthy, Maria Sharapova, Carmen Electra and Teri Hatcher.

One of the best things for a woman to hear is that she is sexy," the 21-year-old actress, star of "Match Point" and "Lost in Translation," said in a statement. "I'd like to thank FHM's readers for the huge compliment."

Scarlett Johansson has huge tits, and looks amazing naked. She's all natural, she doesn't seem to mind when you molest her in public and as it turns out, I have a huge compliment for her, too. However, I'm more concerned about how in the hell Teri Hatcher's name got mentioned. Don't get me wrong, I would bet the house on her for "Best In Show," but I get the feeeling FHM was just trying to be nice.


Promo pictures for The Black Dahlia:

Sharon Stone is taking every opportunity to promote her upcoming film, Basic Instinct 2, by encouraging teenagers to engage in oral sex. If it saves them from the potential danger of an aggressive person that is pressuring them to have sex, Stone believes that young girls should be prepared to give head.

Young people talk to me about what to do if they're being pressed for sex? I tell them (what I believe): oral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex. If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. I'm not embarrassed to tell them."

Holy crap! Did Sharon Stone just say that teenage girls need to give out blowjobs instead of getting date raped? Really, that's all I have to do? Screw this, I'm getting a job as a school bus driver, because all these Zima's and Aaron Carter posters are getting expensive.

Sharon Stone at The Late Show With David Letterman March 27th:

Terminator 3 star and Elite model, Kristanna Loken, admits that she is bisexual and states that relationships with women tend to be more sexually and emotionally fulfilling than those she's had with certain men. She tells Curve magazine:

I connect with an aura, with energy. And if the person with whom I connect happens to be a female, that's just the way it is. That's what makes my wheels turn."

My aura has never connected with a bisexual woman as hot as this, so it makes me wonder why normal chicks can't ease up and get with the program. It may be because they usually don't look like this. I mean, it's cool that your friend is so into Wicca and recycling and everything, but I don't think that pink thong will bring out the green in her hair as much as she thinks.

• They couldn't find anyone cuter than Julia Roberts? [A Socialite's Life]
• Nicole Richie doesn't like bathroom sex [Hollywood Rag]
• Charisma Carpenter wants to be Wonder Woman [Egotastic]
• Petra Nemcova gives great competition [Hollywood Tuna]
• A picture gallery of Wilmer Valderrama touching girls [City Rag]
• Nancy O'Dell sucks [D Listed]
• Kevin Smith needs to shut up and stop making movies [Popsugar]
• Matt Damon and Anna Paquin on the set of Margaret [Just Jared]
• Finally, a picture of baby Violet Affleck's face [The Cooler Blog]
• Britney's bodyguards sue [TMZ]
• Family Guy does Good Will Hunting [Daily Sixer]
• MC Hammer's rookie card [College Humor]
• Sophie Anderton has a nice NSFW shirt [The Bastardly]
• Penelope Cruz's butt needs help [Celeb News Wire]
  

On a day off from cruising high school parking lots in search of the next star struck piece of jailbait to call his girlfriend, Wilmer Valderrama visited the Howard Stern show to brag about the famous girls he's dated. He said he didn't take Mandy Moore's virginity, but they were "each other's first loves." He rated Jennifer Love Hewitt an 8 out of 10 in the sack. When Howard asked if he gets these girls because he has a big package, Wilmer said he's hung at over 8 inches. Wilmer was fairly complimentary of everyone's favorite anorexic Ginger Kid, Lindsay Lohan, and said she is one of the best girls he's had in bed.

Wilmer said he's had anal sex with one of these famous girls, but won't say who that was. And he wouldn't admit he had sex with Ashlee Simpson. But I don't know anyone who would. However, I think it's safe to assume that she's the one who opened her back door for Wilmer. She's young, insecure and an uglier version of her older sister, so she has all the makings of a big whore who'll go the extra mile for male attention. Me, I do it for awards. Yeah, so they're just Chuck E. Cheese tokens on shoestrings, but I have a house full of them which is a heck of a lot better than your fancy college degrees, and furniture, and appliances and stuff. So there.

You can read the synopsis of the interview here.

Jenna Jameson pictures for no other reason than they're not Ashlee Simpson:

Former N'Sync boybander, Justin Timberlake, is set to star in his first leading role in the upcoming action film, Stop Loss. In the film, Timberlake will play a Rambo-like American war hero returning home from the Iraq war after quitting the military. The Army wants him back, but he refuses. Although the producers initially balked at the idea because they felt Timberlake wasn't "macho" enough, Timberlake convinced them to gamble on his acting talents.

"Justin is thrilled about getting his first leading role. It is a huge challenge for him and he's excited as well as nervous."

Yeah. This might be more macho if they cast Marshal Bravestarr or Strawberry Shortcake. Maybe Dora the Explorer. I only vaguely remember watching something on the news about a war recently, but I'm pretty sure I didn't see any soldiers fighting off insurgents with nothing but the power of breakdancing and their sexy falsettos.

In the new issue of Hollywood Life magazine, liberal Sharon Stone says that Sen. Hillary Clinton has too much "sexual power" to win the the upcoming presidential election.

I think Hillary Clinton is fantastic. But I think it is too soon for her to run. This may sound odd, but a woman should be past her sexuality when she runs. Hillary still has sexual power, and I don't think people will accept that. It's too threatening."

How completely shot out is Sharon Stone at this point? You'd think by now she could afford a better publicist or a psychiatrist. Or a friend. Hillary Clinton doesn't have the sexual power to blow out this match. The time my grandma stripped to "I Wanna Sex U Up" at Thanksgiving at least gave my grandfather an erection. Hillary couldn't get anybody hard even with hypnosis and Cialis. I'm sure Hillary appreciates the compliment, but when your husband gets a hummer from the fatty at work, you may not want to put "sexual power" at the top of your resume.

Sharon Stone March 22nd at the premiere of Basic Instinct 2 in Germany: