And guess what? They're brown and typical, and how most of you thought they'd look. Not me, though. She's been a long haired blonde for years so I was expecting some pink ones, a Lynyrd Skynyrd CD in her hand and a NASCAR sticker on her ass. I yelled "Cracker!" at my monitor really loud but that didn't work. Turns out I'm just racist and have a Saltine fetish.

For years there have been blind items about a famous executive-star, "Pert Member." A guy who often lends his private jet to closeted gay actors so they can have sex with their boyfriends without fear of getting caught. He also has a beautiful Hollywood actress for a wife who doesn't mind that her husband's boyfriend lives with them. Just so we're clear, this dude is gay. If this were a cartoon character, he'd be covered in pink flames.

Why am I telling you this about a post on John Travolta? Oh, no reason. By the way, the jet in picture belongs to him.

Click the picture for the larger version:

Gwen Stefani is boycotting tomorrow's MTV Video Music Awards because of the treatment she felt she received last year.

She had a ton of nominations and was under the impression she would be taking home at least one award," our insider said. "But every award, except that lame best-dressed award, went to Kelly Clarkson, and every time Kelly won, the camera went straight to Gwen. She felt set up." Stefani also thought she was going to close the show - another honor that went to Clarkson. Stefani's rep declined comment."

Gwen should probably ease up because it's ok if Kelly wins. She deserves it. If the MTV Video Music Awards were high school, Kelly Clarkson would be eating her second lunch in the bathroom and singing to her stuffed animals at home on prom night. So stop being jealous and let the girl enjoy the attention. If movies have told us anything, it's that the chubby girl with bad skin is really a beautiful swan that always gets the hunk at the end. You know, just like real life.

Hey, look, Gwen Stefani exercising yesterday:


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Jessica Simpson and singer, John Mayer, have reportedly been dating each other for the past month. The pair met at a pre-Grammy party last year and went on their first date in late July.

She's tiptoeing back into the dating world," a source tells PEOPLE. "It's the first stage. She's never been happier." Mayer, 28, began a co-headlining tour with Sheryl Crow on Aug. 24, and Simpson, 26, is expected to attend his concert in Jones Beach, N.Y., on Wednesday night."

Apart from his vagina-begging music, I always thought John Mayer seemed pretty cool for a nerd. He'd be like your high school's band director if your high school's band director drove off every day in a monster truck. He was funny on Chappelle's Show and his song, Your Body is a Wonderland, was written about Jennifer Love Hewitt, so I'm not sure where it all fell apart. Because, well, now he's now dating a raccoon. The Headless Horseman has a better looking profile.

Jessica Simpson yesterday at the launch party for her shitty new CD:


And Jennifer Love Hewitt at the Emmys because it just feels right:


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• Paula Abdul is high [D Listed]
• Michael Jackson teased Janet as a kid [Hollywood Rag]
• You smell like Lindsay Lohan [Egotastic]
• Hilary Swank has a new man [A Socialite's Life]
  
• Scarlett Johansson: A Hollywood classic [Popsugar]
• Madonna: 'Papa Don't Teach' [Just Jared]
• Kid Rock's tiny little head [City Rag]
• Jessica Biel's back to butch [Hollywood Tuna]
• Talking Without Speaking, Hearing Without Listening [Pajiba]
  
• Top Gun: A Requiem For Goose [College Humor]
• The Douchebag Hall of Fame [CRACKED]
  

It has been annouced that Kevin Federline will appear in three episodes of HBO's Entourage, playing a deadbeat husband of a celebrity.

He is really keen - and not insulted when he was asked to play the part."

This is weird, because I was just thinking about K-Fed when I was cleaning dog shit off my carpet this morning. Just wondering why Hollywood keeps handing this idiot roles for which he is horrifically undeserving. In a perfect world, he wouldn't get a callback to play a corpse.

Here's K-Fed lounging by a pool. Please, no need to thank me, ladies.


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Matthew Broderick has been discharged from an Ireland hospital after receiving treatment for a broken collarbone that he sustained while horseback riding. He and his wife, Sarah Jessica Parker, were vacationing at their summer home in Ireland with their son and other members of their family when the accident occurred on a secluded beach in Donegal.

Ireland doesn't seem to like Matthew Broderick all that much, because that is where he also received a broken leg, broken ribs and a punctured lung in a car accident in 1987 after his rental car veered onto the wrong side of the road, killing two women in an oncoming car. Coincidentally, he married Sarah Jessica Parker ten years later. I'm not sure if this was some kind of delayed justice or what, but having to spend the rest of your life with this creature seems a little extreme. You really shouldn't need a horse whisperer to tell you that your wife doesn't like it when you ignore her.

Parker and Broderick August 17th at "Martin Short: Fame Becomes Me":


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In the first week of its release, Paris Hilton's self-titled CD, Paris, is being widely considered by many music insiders to be a complete and utter failure. With only 75,000 copies sold in the United States, next week's projected sales are said to drop significantly to 30,000. In comparison, Christina Aguilera's "Back to Basics" churned out first-week sales of 320,000.

Paris" is languishing at the bottom of Billboard's Hot 100 - so Hilton's label rushed out her second single, "Turn It Up," which isn't doing very well either. "The international outlook is not much better for her," one industry source told Page Six. "The international people are not inclined to do a big push since she can't back up the album with a tour. Obviously, she can't sing live." The source added that Hilton was advised a year ago to train her voice, work with choreographers and learn an instrument to prepare for a limited tour, but "obviously she didn't listen."

If this really comes as a surprise to you, I hope you're enjoying your first visit to this site. We're glad to have you. Since we've just met, I'm not sure what kind of music you're into, but you're safe in assuming that I'd rather listen to werewolves attack an orphanage than anything on Paris Hilton's album.

Paris and new BFF, Kim Kardashian, shopping on Melrose on August 27th:


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