TMZ has video of Angelina Jolie's estranged father, Jon Voight, sending a special message to his grandkids on Saturday at the BAFTA awards. Guess how many names he got right? While wishing Maddox a happy 5th bithday, Voight said:

Happy birthday Maddox. Five years old. That's big one. Five years old, you're getting to be a young man. And I send my love to you and I send my love to...uh...Shakira...and, uh, Sha-Shaheera, is it Sheera, Shahira?"

He rambled on like this for a while longer, and even after the reporter told him how to pronounce it correctly, he still messed it up. I would say he's senile, but he's been in Hollywood for the majority of his life, so if I had to make a diagnosis, I'd say he's just crazy. Jon Voight hasn't spoken to his daughter in four years, and this probably won't do anything to help. At this point, if Jon Voight ever wants to see his grandkids again, he'll have to disguise himself as a Haitian baby and leave himself on Angelina's porch.

Watch the video here.
Angelina and Brad on August 23rd:


And some pictures of Shakira since John Voight seems to like her so much:

Jordan Bratman was once again trying to rub his wife in my face at this costume party the other night. Yeah man, we get it. Your wife's hot. So what? That still doesn't change the fact that you look like you should be wearing a little vest and playing the cymbals. Even if you got a chin implant to look more human, I'd still be afraid you'd carry Christina up the Empire State Building.

Paris Hilton is reportedly upset at comments made by Elijah Blue Allman on the Howard Stern Show last week. Elijah, the son of Cher and Greg Allman, said he had sex with Paris before she became famous and that he was so worried that he might catch a disease after they did it, he went downstairs and scrubbed his genitals with Tilex.

Hilton is "not happy" about Allman's comments, says a source, even though he described Hilton as a "sweet girl." Allman also said he had sex years ago with Hilton's reality show co-star and former best friend, Nicole Richie, and says they're now friends."

Wow, certain things you should just keep as thoughts. Specifically, the time you had sex with Paris Hilton. It's not really an original story when a thousand other guys have already drank Clorox after Paris breathed on them. It's not like you built a spaceship in your garage or invented cookies, you banged Paris Hilton. You can find fewer people who have ridden a bike.

Paris on August 25th:


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Lindsay Lohan took time out of her hectic schedule of calling in sick to work to relax in Malibu over the weekend at her boyfriends's beach house. Again. Only this time, she has on a black bikini and it looks like she's dyed her hair. I'm not a fashionista, but that may not be the most flattering of combos when you're covered in freckles and have a pasty white ass. She really needs to find something that works for her. Maybe something more along the lines of a hospital gown.

For an award show, the Emmys were surprisingly bearable. Conan O'Brien and Stephen Colbert killed. Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Keifer Sutherland and Jeremy Piven all won Emmys. If Jeremy Piven didn't win for Entourage there would have been violence and looting in the streets. And by "violence and looting in the streets," I mean "I would have crossed my arms really fast and kicked my coffee table."


The only nice thing I can say about Eva Longoria is that she has nice teeth. That's pretty much it. Even as horrific as that thing she's wearing is, it looks fifty times worse on her because I'm almost positive the designer envisioned it to be worn by somebody with boobs. I can't even begin to imagine the amount of super glue and magnets that it took to keep that dress up, because I'm mostly trying to figure out how Eva just spent 12 hours in hair and makeup, but the chick who refills my chips and salsa looks better than she does.


My Master's Degree looks pretty good hanging on my wall, but looking like you ran through barbed wire and singing a song about a rose and a grave ten years ago lets you keep the hottest Victoria's Secret model pregnant. I don't know how much that would equal in student loans, but I would feel pretty comfortable paying for that for the rest of my life.


Grey's Anatomy would be an okay show if it wasn't for the whiny Ellen Pompeo. She's the star of the show, but she's the most annoying thing on screen. Good thing Dr. McDreamy can look past that. Although I wonder how understanding he'll be when he looks at these pictures and finds out his soulmate stole Christmas.


Vanessa Minnillo showed up because I guess TRL was nominated for "gayest crap on television," but in case you didn't know, she's Nick Lachey's new girlfriend. This chick's body is smoking hot, but her face is just okay. Not that it really has to be, she replaced Jessica Simpson. Chewbacca or a cyclops would have been an improvement.

Not content to rest on his laurels after his groundbreaking performance at the Teen Choice Awards, Mrs. Britney Spears is now ready to prove that he's more than just a hardcore rapper. That's right, Kevin Federline is currently shooting his scenes for his acting debut on CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.

This is pretty much my first time acting. It's the first time I've actually had a speaking role." He adds that the offer came about quickly. "I was doing stuff for the Teen Choice Awards," he says, "and got the call while we were rehearsing and I pissed in my pants! I was excited right off the bat. It's the only show that I really, really watch."..."I just read the script," he says. "They told me they wanted it to be more of a natural thing that comes to me."

Apparently, he'll be playing "a menacing, arrogant teen who harasses investigators." If this isn't some sort of trick that ends with Ashton Kutcher running out and pointing to the hidden camera, then we're expected to believe that Kevin Federline actually auditioned and beat out trained, professional actors. In a more likely scenario, Britney Spears is calling in more favors than a cop on the run for a crime he didn't commit.

Britney on August 24th:


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Girls Next Door star and one of Hugh Hefner's "girlfriends," Kendra Wilkinson, claimed in an email that Eminem attacked her last week on the set of his new music video. Here is an excerpt (and, yes, that's how she spelled the words):

Then Eminem walks in the room lookin like hes overdosing on drungs. We met and he was really nice to begin with and he was saying things like how he watches the show and how he got our issue of playboy and he wants me to sign it so i was very flattered and happy. Then we start doing our scene and everything is goin good until we go on a break. I went over to sit on the couch to rest a lil bit and i started talking to this really nice guy. Next, i look over and see Eminem walkin towards me. I smile and say "whats up?", he takes out a bottle of water and pours it all over me!!! There goes my makeup, there goes my hair, there goes my tears, and there goes my first rap video!!! Yes i charged at him to knock him out, only got him a lil bit though cuz of his big ass body guard that was in my way."

Oh, man. Eminem always seems so sweet in his songs. Especially the one about killing his wife and stuffing her in a trunk. Or the other hundred about how much he wishes his mom was dead. It takes a real man to assault a woman then hide behind a bodyguard, so if you ever see Eminem ladies, be careful. Or if you're a guy, just open hand slap him. Chances are that when he gets up and sees you're not wearing lipstick or perfume, he'll probably just leave you alone.


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The warning label on my bottle of Windex says I shouldn't spray it directly into my eyes. One of the countless warnings in my cell phone's user guide says I shouldn't cook my cell phone in a microwave. A gigantic sticker on the cord of my hairdryer tells me I shouldn't operate it while I'm chin-deep in a bathtub. Since I learned the hard way with all of the aforementioned things, I'm going to take the safe route here and assume it's not okay to make fun of Jaime Pressly or I might lose another head. She's a talented actress and she's one of the few who didn't use nepotism, Daddy's money or Scientology to bully her way to fame. She's also pretty damn hot, so here she is last night at the Emmy awards show and after party. And I'm going to put that acrylic box on my head the doctor gave me in case I screwed up again.