• Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey are almost naked [Hollywood Tuna]
• Paula Abdul looks ridiculous [Hollywood Rag]
• Angelina Jolie's Shiseido commercial [Just Jared]
  
• The Office slips a nip [Egotastic]
• Buy Britney Spears and K-Fed's leftovers [City Rag]
• Mario Lopez is more gay on Nip/Tuck [D Listed]
• Brad and Angelina fly high [Popsugar]
• Matt LeBlanc's mess of a life continues [A Socialite's Life]
• You're Pretty When I'm Drunk (Beerfest) [Pajiba]
• 100 Acre Deadwood [CRACKED]
  

Being bored to sleep (or to death) wasn't on my "To Do" list last night so I missed the Emmys. The five minutes of Conan and Colbert being funny wasn't enough to reel me in for the next seven hours of ass kissing and commercials, but here are some pictures from the event we haven't yet posted.


Here's Katherine Heigl. She's on yet another show I won't watch. People keep saying she looked "smokin' hot" last night. The dress is sort of gaudy in that soap opera sort of way where the rich housewife is sitting around on her couch drinking her 11 a.m. glass of champagne in full makeup and gown while eyeballing Jorge, the pool boy. Or maybe that's the porn I fell asleep watching last night. I don't know. Whatever. All I know is when she puts her left arm down, her armpit/boob area looks like a pack of hot dogs and that's kinda gross. Unless, of course, you're Jeffrey Dahmer.


Here's Bai Ling and yet another intentional (NSFW) "nip slip." She's so damn retarded and boring I can't even think of anything new or funny to say about her. The first draft of this went something like "Yawn, yown, yahn, yarn, yaghn, yeihn, yon, Ian, Jan, Yanni..." so I'll just stick with that.


There are only so many ways a big, yappy mouth should be used and one of them is not to promote Scientology. Ever since Leah Remini allowed VH1 to broadcast the birth of her first child and preach/promote her "silent birth" bullshit Scientology practice I lost all respect for her. Okay, who am I kidding? I didn't give a crap who she was before that and I still don't. The plants behind her are nice, though.

I realize these pictures showed up online yesterday, but yesterday I was busy leading a group of businessmen to hunt minotaurs on my private island, so I was unable to bring you Heather Locklear in a see through skirt. From what I can tell, that 44 year old body is still looking pretty damn hot. So hot, in fact, that I didn't even bother to duck when I saw the shots of her face. I can't really tell whose mind she's trying to read or where she's going to shoot her eye lasers, but she's not looking at me, so I guess she doesn't mind me staring at her ass. Thanks, Heather!


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An unlikely source has broken the news that Jennifer Lopez is pregnant - teen singer Jesse McCartney (who?). At an in-studio appearance yesterday on Atlanta's Star 94, McCartney inadvertently blurted the news to on-air personalities Steve McCoy and Vikki Locke.

In an otherwise innocuous interview, McCartney disclosed that he is dating actress Katie Cassidy, daughter of baby boomer teen idol David Cassidy. He then spilled that his gal pal has been cast as Lucy Ewing in the big-screen adaptation of the 1970/1980s TV soap "Dallas." Then Locke inquired, "Oh, so I bet your girlfriend can give us the scoop on why Jennifer Lopez was fired from the movie?" Without thinking, McCartney replied, "She didn't get fired. She's pregnant."

This baby better be crossing his fingers, because it really needs to hit the genetic lottery. It could come out perfectly normal, or it could come out looking like a scarecrow with an overrated ass and bad skin.

Lopez at the Juntos Tour concert at Madison Square Garden August 9th:


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Thanks to Jason for the heads up!

Due to the results of a poll taken by 2,500 women, the lingerie chain, La Senza, has dubbed Kelly Brook's body the best of the decade. Past decades were also chosen with iconic names topping the list: Marilyn Monroe (50s), Twiggy (60s), Farrah Fawcett (70s), Elle McPherson (80s), Kate Moss (90s).

When people come up to me and ask me how it feels to be right all the time, I can only point to the 2,500 women who voted in this poll. Kelly Brook may have the best body the world has ever seen. If I were President for a day, I'd bring all our troops home and send over a clone army of Kelly Brooks. It's hard to make a car bomb while you're jacking off.



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Related entries:
Kelly Brook Goes Commando
Kelly Brook is Confusing
Kelly Brook is Perfect

• Serena Williams is fried [Hollywood Rag]
• Jessica Biel is still sexy [Egotastic]
• Will Lucy Pinder pose nude? [Hollywood Tuna]
• The Mel Gibson commemorative t-shirt [City Rag]
• Marky Mark is a grown-ass man [A Socialite's Life]
• Janice Dickinson has the grossest boobs [D Listed]
• Angelina Jolie still hates her father [Popsugar]
• The 5 Worst Lyrics to Ever Ruin Good Rap Songs [CRACKED]
• I'll Take The Rapist For $400 [Pajiba]
  

Cindy Crawford, who once claimed she owed her gorgeous face to a "miracle mixture" of ground coffee and olive oil, has now revealed that, in reality, she's been having cosmetic surgery since she was 29. She is now 40.

I owe the quality of my skin to my cosmetic surgeon. I'm not going to lie to myself, past a certain age, creams work on the texture of your skin but, in order to restore elasticity, all I can really count on is vitamin injections, Botox and collagen."

Yeah, so Cindy Crawford has been lying all this time. Well, so what? Her only job was to push out her chest and tilt her head so some gay dude in a cowboy hat and a scarf could take her picture. She wasn't speaking before Congress or acting in a British period drama about unrequited love where looks don't really matter, she was getting paid millions to be a live mannequin. I wouldn't be surprised if she was trying to a build a time machine that moisturizes and exfoliates.

Cindy and husband, Rande Gerber, last month in Pampelonne, Southern France:


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During an interview with GQ, Kevin Federline claimed his wife is worth over $200 million, but says even though he made about $2 million from "Chaotic," he's now almost broke. He also admitted he didn't graduate from high school in a traditional sense, but bragged about his GED (high school equivalency degree) test scores.

I actually got amazing-ass test scores on it," Federline maintains. "Not that it's the hardest thing in the world. But especially the math. I got pretty high test scores for the state of California."

Just how high is an "amazing-ass" score? Is that somewhere between a "shitty-ass" and an "off the muthafuckin' chain-ass" score? Because all I got was this scratch-n-sniff puffy sticker and a smiley face on mine and I'm feeling a little gypped. Had they written "amazing-ass" on it, I'd probably be as conceited as K-Fed. Well, at least my sticker smells like root beer. I really like root beer.

Here are some Bigfoot sighting quality pictures of Britney on August 21st:


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