At this point I'm not even sure if there are any original parts left on Victoria Beckham. She doesn't even look human anymore. Her ate up face is almost as bad as those things that are supposed to be her boobs. I mean, did her plastic surgeon have hooks for hands? That has to be his only excuse. Look, God and I hold a special place for tiny brunettes with huge boobs, but Jesus. She looks like a damn android. An android who can only seem to dress like a prostitute. Which might not be all that bad if the androids came in something other than leather.

David Hans Schmidt, a Phoenix-based agent, is shopping a 40-minute sex tape to various distributors that features Dustin Diamond engaging in a three way with two women. "Saved By The Smell," the working title of the video, is reportedly graphic and includes "some bodily functions and an act known as a 'Dirty Sanchez'." Roger Paul, Diamond's manager says:

I haven't seen the tape. I've heard rumors. Dustin has been trying to escape the Screech typecast. So this may help me get more bookings."

I'm not sure what level of daddy or abandonment issues a woman has to walk around with in order to let Screech rub feces on her face, but we'd be safe in assuming that both of these girls have compared cut marks.

The only reason to watch Saved By The Bell (NSFW):



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Howard K. Stern, Anna Nicole Smith's longtime lawyer, revealed last night that he is the real father of the former Playboy Playmate's newborn daughter. Stern was in the Bahamas with the family during the birth and he was present in the hospital room when medical personnel attempted to revive Anna's son, Daniel Smith. He told Larry King:

Right now we have to somehow get through what we're going through," he said. "And I'll tell you, our baby is the one ray of hope."

You'd think this would be fantstic news to Larry Birkhead, the paparazzi photographer widely considered to be the child's biological father, but it's not. He's now demanding a paternity test. Umm, because I guess that's what any rational man would want to do, willingly have a baby with this trainwreck. While he's at it, he should punch a cop or ask a 14 year old girl on MySpace if she wants to meet, so he can fully drive the point home that he might not the best at making life choices.

Old pictures of Anna Kournikova on the beach - because her name is Anna, too:


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• Don't expect to watch Steve Irwin die [Hollywood Rag]
• George and Renee back on? [Popsugar]
  
• Matthew McConaughey wars [City Rag]
• Rachel Bilson: Call girl? [Just Jared]
• Throw Paris Hilton in jail [Egotastic]
• Terrell Owens is an idiot [D Listed]
• Baldwin the bastard [A Socialite's Life]
• Victoria Beckham looks like an idiot [Hollywood Tuna]
• Terrell Owens suicide note [College Humor]
• Alyssa Milano's nipple is patriotic (NSFW) [EHOWA]
  

Kate Moss attended her crackhead boyfriend Pete Doherty's concert in Ireland last night, and was spotted by several witnesses with a white substance in and around her nose. Onlookers at the sold-out Babyshambles show, speculated it was talc, toothpaste, or zit cream. Now, I'm not saying it's cocaine, but if somebody was holding a gun to my head and I could only give one answer, I'd say it was cocaine. No, actually, I'll just go ahead and say it now. It's cocaine. Why? Because Pete Doherty and Kate Moss are addicts with the willpower of R. Kelly when he has to pee. They could get a letter covered in anthrax and think they just won the lottery.


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Hey, it's me, Kirsten Dunst. K-ear-stin, m'kay? Pronounce it right. Check me out. I'm fillin' up my HYBRID car. See, it's a HYBRID which makes me about, um, like A LOT better than you gas guzzling fuckholes even though I still contribute to Earth problems and the decline of human civilization just by existing because my fanged mouth is disgusting, and I'm boring and I'm really hard to look at. Check out my kickass suspenders, my straggly hair extensions, my saggy, sunken tits and frighteningly flat ass. Hot stuff. But they're nothing compared to my Nosferatu hands. See, it's hard to look this dead, but I've mastered it. And that's why I'm deader than you. Checkmate, suckaz.

Not long after Mel Gibson's entertaining DUI arrest and subsequent alleged treatment for his alcoholism, Mel Gibson was seen at the Side Bar in Austin, Texas on Friday night where he played pool until 2:30 in the morning. This time, however, he wasn't hitting on all the women and was supposedly drinking water.

Funny, because last time he was only drinking "water" but it turned out to be a big water bottle full of vodka. But that's neither here nor there. The point is, he's doing a great job with this whole avoiding alcohol thing he has going. Just remember next time you see me at the crack house, I'm just visiting friends. And that glass pipe is filled with incense. And that's not twitching ... that's dancing.

Here's Dannii Minogue in a bikini because she's also Australian, or something:


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• Steven Tyler has Hepatitis C [Hollywood Rag]
• Fergie forgot to shave her pits [Hollywood Tuna]
• The fug is strong with Scarlett Johansson [Egotastic]
• Before Mel Gibson went insane [City Rag]
• Kim Stewart in the running for Worst Implants Ever [D Listed]
• Alanis Morissette on Nip/Tuck [Just Jared]
• Brad Pitt hearts Borat [A Socialite's Life]
• Awesome Hasselhoff Outtakes [College Humor]
• The Tortured Soul of a Jackass (Jackass: Number Two) [Pajiba]