Contrary to a statement made by her publicist that she and Harry Morton are still together, it turns out that Lindsay Lohan was indeed dumped by Harry Morton last Thursday. However, over the weekend, Lohan schemed a plot to win Harry back by trying to make him jealous, and at the same time, pissing off Paris Hilton. Page Six reports:

The devious redhead was overheard calling Hilton's ex-love Stavros Niarchos on Saturday to ask for help in getting her revenge. According to our earwitness, Lohan told Niarchos, "No one can know I got dumped . . . You will look like a total stud, and it will drive Paris crazy [if we hang out together]."... And so the pair appeared Sunday at Dragonfly in L.A. "where they held hands and made out all night and then drove in separate cars back to [Lohan's] suite at the Chateau."

How has Harry responded?

...Morton hasn't swallowed the bait..."She was just too much for him...That, and she was extremely jealous and would harass him with texts, e-mails and phone calls constantly."

I'm not sure how this didn't work, because everyone knows that any plan involving Paris Hilton is guaranteed to be one of the greatest ideas ever. Just like giving a baby a beer or bombing Pearl Harbor.

Lohan on September 23rd:

Ashlee Simpson began her five-week run as "Roxie Hart" in the London Cambridge Theatre production of Chicago last night. Before the premiere, Ashlee says she could relate to her role as the fame-hungry "Roxie."

The play absolutely is all about celebrity and wanting to be famous and have your name in the papers and your picture in the papers," the 21-year-old pop star told reporters. "And in that sense, it's been kind of cool because I've really got to connect to that 'cause I've seen that world and been in that world."

Wait, did Ashlee just discover a a portal to a parallel universe? Is she fighting the Kromagg Dynasty? No? Because I'm trying to figure out what "world" she's talking about. I hope we're talking about the same one. The one where she's an attention whore. The one where she has to go to London because America hates her. The one where she dances around on stage with another blonde tranny in front of a big sparkly curtain and calls it art. I get the feeling we're not on the same page here.

Ashlee performing last night:


Ashlee and Jessica at the Chicago after-party:


Source

Despite reports that Harry Morton had ditched Lindsay Lohan on Thursday night, it appears that the happy couple have made up. People reports:

They are together now," Lohan's rep tells People. A source close to the actress adds: "They argue, they don't argue." At the moment, "They're communicating. They're hanging out. Whatever's going to transpire there is going to transpire."

In Harry's defense, it'd be hard to just walk away and forget about Lindsay Lohan. Especially when the CDC still hasn't figured out what's making his penis do all that.

Lohan on September 22nd:

I realize these pictures of Jessica Biel kissing another girl were taken earlier this month, but the hi-res versions just showed up over the weekend, so here they are. They're just like my dream I have every night, except Jessica isn't wearing cowboy boots or a thong. And isn't a lesbian. I really don't think my dream can ever recover from this. The Paxil might help, but after I get done and untie her and her friend, I doubt I'll be doing push-ups as they comb each other's hair anymore. I'll more than likely be putting on lipstick and eyeliner, then gripping the back of a chair and biting down on a stick.

If there are any those of you left who still think Cameron Diaz is a "Hollywood beauty", please look at these pictures of Anne Rice her at Justin Timberlake's release party for FutureSex/LoveSounds. That isn't beautiful. That's something you hang up outside during Halloween to scare little children. What, did she die and Justin bury her in a pet cemetary? He really shouldn't have done that. Sometimes dead is better.

When Paris Hilton appears in court next month to face her DUI charge, they won't throw her into a pit of lions as my petition clearly laid out, but she may be ordered to attend mandatory AA meetings. However, Moderation Management, a center which promotes moderation instead of abstinence, has invited Paris to receive alcohol abuse counseling at their facility. The owner, Marc Kern states:

Paris is obviously an early stage problem drinker, and an abstinence group is an overkill and inappropriate for a celebrity...To mandate that Paris Hilton attend an abstinence-only support group is counterproductive and is not really going to help, if our goal is to rehabilitate or educate. "What is best for her? Paris needs Moderation Management, not AA."

Paris might be an early stage problem drinker, but we would all feel a lot safer if she was in the early stages of the ebola virus. Then died. This used up skank could be clean and sober from now on or have to be turned on her side when the paramedics come, I could give a shit less about either one. I could accidentally hit Paris with my truck then get out and give bystanders high fives to make them think I did it on purpose.

Paris at Hef's 80th birthday becuase we haven't used them yet and she's a slut:


Source

Fergie showed up on TRL on Monday and had to be stuck up and wear a bra, ruining the only reason I would ever willingly click on a Fergie picture. Man, God really must hate her. She has a body built for sex, but a head that Jeffrey Dahmer would've been too grossed out to keep in his house. She may as well be a minotaur. At least then she'd have horns. Horns are cool.

• Janet Jackson's man loved fat sex [Hollywood Rag]
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• Did Jessica Simpson bang Bam? [Egotastic]
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• Clay Aiken almost comes out [City Rag]
• Catching up with Jen and Vince [Just Jared]
• Hot and juicy Petra Nemcova [Hollywood Tuna]
• Jordan (Katie Price) flashes her heart shaped box [D Listed]
• Drummer from Def Leppard - eat your heart out [College Humor]
• Making the Formula Work Again (Gridiron Gang) [Pajiba]
• World of Warcraft porn (NSFW) [Fleshbot]