After a brief stay in the Middle East following his self-imposed exile from the United States after being acquitted on sex charges, Michael Jackson has reportedly fell in love with Ireland and is possibly planning to buy a castle. He also wants to open a leprechaun-inspired theme park.

Michael is deadly serious about this idea," a source told Ireland's Daily Mirror. "He loves the whole idea of leprechauns and the magic and myths of Ireland. It would cost around 500 million Euros [about $635 million] to do. He's always wanted to open his own theme park and he thinks Ireland is the perfect place and it will all be built around the leprechaun theme."

This sounds like a perfect idea for Michael Jackson and little kids. Not so much for the leprechauns. You see, in real life "leprechauns" are dwarfs in costumes. Dwarfs are small, like little kids. So, basically, Michael Jackson wants to create a place where he's surrounded by "kids" who are on the payroll. "Kids" who can drink legally. Not good. Maybe the IRA will put a car bomb in his hyperbaric chamber before this gets out of hand, because the "Molest me, I'm Irish!" t-shirts are sure to go fast.

Here's Christina Aguilera since she's not Michael Jackson's type:



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Steve-O and Bam Margera hit the Howard Stern show on Tuesday to promote Jackass: Number Two. Among the many topics covered was Steve-O's fling with Nicole Richie. Steve-O admitted he never had sex with Nicole, but did masturbate on her and pretty much just used her to get his picture in the tabloids and celebrity weeklies. He said:

She had her back to me," he said, "and she was dead asleep when I rubbed the first one out. I was, like, trying to wake her up when I was rubbing one out ... and ultimately I squeezed her hard enough the second two times she was totally awake. She never rolled over to face me." Far from being offended by this total rejection however, Steve-O said he was grateful she was even there. "I was being so careful not to offend her in any way because I wanted to be in those tabloid magazines! loved it!" he continues. "She said, 'I just broke off an engagement,' and the truth is she wanted some publicity for something other than being skinny. It was a big publicity stunt. She would come pick me up. I don't drive. I think she called the paparazzi too. These muther effers were coming from all directions. I'm even giving interviews to the video paparazzi, and I thought this is the kind of scrutiny I WANT to be under. I want to be in the tabloids! I fuckin' loved it. I have no hard feelings. I don't think she has any hard feelings for me."

I don't have a penis ... not on me, anyway, but if I did, I imagine it wouldn't get hard when I looked at Nicole Richie's spine, ribcage and bony ass while she slept next to me. I mean, I totally understand the necrophilia thing, but corpses with skin on them? That's just gross.

Nicole going to her veterinarian appointment the other day:


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A reverend has lashed out against Papa Joe Simpson for leaving his God-job to pimp his trannies daughters.

Their father has replaced his faith in the Lord with the love of money, which is the root of all evil. He has replaced holiness with horniness. Jessica and Ashlee will reap the dismal crops they are sowing. Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither and they will be left with nothing but a hollow shell. They don't represent American standards and certainly not Christian standards."

I wish I could take credit for writing that one, but the Rev came up with it on his own. I tried something like it before but I said it when I was strapped to a cross while wearing a black dickie, priest collar and nothing else. The cross was made of Tempur-Pedic foam and we were taping an infomercial. I can't imagine why they didn't use that segment. They must really hate Papa Joe.

Less Fuglee on August 30th:


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Lindsay Lohan was rushed to New York's St. Vincent's Hospital after slipping and falling at a Fashion Week party and fracturing her wrist in two places.

Lohan's publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, said the 20-year-old actress slipped and fell at the Milk Studios in New York...Sloane added that "there's a pending investigation" into the accident, after Lohan claimed Milk Studios didn't take proper measures to prevent slips on the slick ground."

My first guess was that she tripped because her panties were around her ankles, but then I remembered she doesn't wear any. Hopefully the "pending investigation" will get to the bottom of how everybody except Lindsay managed not to trip over themselves like baby deer wearing rollerblades. I'm not a detective, but I'll throw out a guess. Two words: vodka and xanax.

Lindsay at the Francisco Costas Spring 2007 Calvin Klein Collection After Party:


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Singer(?) Aaron Carter is reportedly engaged to former Miss Teen USA and Playboy Playmate, and his brother, Backstreet Boy Nick Carter's ex-girlfriend, Kari Ann Peniche.

I'm very excited about it," Peniche tells PEOPLE. "Aaron is the most genuine person I know. He's kind, loving, and I love him so much."
Carter, 18, popped the question to Peniche (who previously dated Aaron's brother Nick) on Saturday in Las Vegas while they were onstage in front of 200 people during the Playboy Comedy Tour at the Palms Casino Resort."

I'm sure this has nothing to do with him trying to promote his new reality show, "House of Carters." There's no way, right? I mean, this is true love. She's a Playboy Playmate. He's the lead singer of Kidz Bop. She's hot, he looks like Richie Rich. If Richie Rich had highlights and thought he was black. So, congratulations to the happy couple. 'Til cancellation do them part.

Kari Ann Peniche (NSFW!):


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• Anna Nicole Smith gets $650K for son's "last" photos [D Listed]
• Don't talk about Fergie on the Internet [Hollywood Rag]
• Sophie Monk nipple slip? [Hollywood Tuna]
• Scarlett Johansson likes her breasts [Egotastic]
• Celebrity twin fantasies [City Rag]
• Smallville on the green carpet [Just Jared]
  
• Nicole Kidman gets an apology [Popsugar]
• What the hell did Madonna do to her hair? [A Socialite's Life]
• Breaking: Anna Nicole's son died of a fatal drug combo [TMZ]
• Black Is Beautiful ... Just Not Beautiful Enough (Black Dahlia) [Pajiba]
  

It only took Jessica Simpson two days to get back to looking like hell. Nice cloak. Is she supposed to be a geisha girl or a Sith Lord? I can't tell. Maybe she's a samurai. Either way, I have to give it up to Ken Paves. A gay stylist who for some reason couldn't dress a wound, but somehow manages to get paid to make Jessica Simpson look like this. I honestly thought it was impossible for Jessica Simpson to look any worse, but Ken Paves has proved that was pretty much just a theory.

I guess I could've posted another story about Paris Hilton blowing the New York Knicks or Kelly Clarkson being two months ahead of her daily caloric intake, but not much is happening today, so here's Kelly Brook's new lingerie photoshoot instead. I know you're disappointed, but there are worse things that could happen to you on a Tuesday. Like the cute brunette you met at the office mixer this weekend talking to HR. She knows about the roofies, dude. Not cool, man. Not cool.