Tommy, baby, don't think you're off the hook because Britney Spears' crotch has dominated the gossip world this week. We still have room to make fun of you. And call you fat.

About Tom Cruise's wedding costume:

The 'Top Gun' star is said to be a nervous eater and put on so much weight in the run up to his wedding to Katie Holmes he needed some help getting into his Armani suit. According to US gossip columnist Janet Charlton, a source at Armani said: "Tom packed on around twenty pounds in the past few months before the big event. He says he's a 'nervous eater'. "When Tom arrived in Rome, we hear thaView the profile for Katie Holmes on Celebrity Spotlightt Giorgio Armani was apoplectic because the wedding tux was too small. Armani personally tended to all the fittings while Tom's pants were let out and various details were adjusted. The source added: "Tom wanted to look svelte so he didn't protest when Giorgio suggested girdling Tom's midsection so the jacket would fall properly. The corset was sewn into Tom's undergarment."

Where I come from, they call that "squeezing 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound sack." They also call that "gay."


Here's the pig nosed waif at Tom and Katie's wedding. It's like somebody deflated Saturn and painted it black.


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Lindsay Lohan was spotted yesterday at 7:30 a.m. leaving an AA meeting near her apartment. A friend confirms she is trying to get sober:

She has attended several meetings and has hopefully decided to turn her life around - this time for good. She is out of control." Lohan skipped Thanksgiving with her mom, Dina, and her family because she knew "someone would force an intervention on her." So Dina - who likes a party almost as much as her wild-child daughter - has arrived in L.A. to convince Lindsay to stay home some nights. The actress is filming "The Best Time of Our Lives" with Keira Knightley for the next five weeks - and then, friends hope "she will really get serious about getting sober. And drop out of the limelight for a while."

It would be good for Lindsay if she dropped out of the limelight for a while. It would be really good for us if she dropped about six feet, because it gets tiring trying to think of new ways to make fun of this skank every day. I guess I should feel bad that she's in AA, but she'd be the same even if she wasn't drunk all the time. Take away all her money and she'd be living under a bridge in L.A., calling her mom from a pay phone and hanging up really fast when she answered.

Lindsay Lohan at the GQ Man of the Year Awards:


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If you went to bed last night thinking it couldn't get any worse for Britney Spears, welcome to today. It has. For the THIRD time this week, Britney Spears has gotten out of a car with a super short dress and no panties, this time at a Santa Monica gas station late last night. By next week, she'll just open her door then pull her knees to her ears. Christ, if you're a Britney fan, this week must feel like Armageddon.


Note: She really wasn't wearing underwear.

Tags: upskirt, vagina, crotch, beaver, britney spears, britney, spears

If I gave you three guesses as to which actress was photographed carrying diamond studded gold handcuffs out of a store, and you immediately didn't say "uh, Lindsay Lohan?", I'd punch you. Of course it's going to be Lindsay. It was a ten foot walk to her car yet she managed about 42 poses. People who buy these things usually don't want everyone to know they just bought them, but not our Lindsay. She'd put on antlers and have sex with a bear if she thought someone would point a camera at her.

Snoop Dogg was arrested for the second time in less than two months at approximately 7:30pm last night outside NBC Studios after performing on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno." Gee, I wonder why?

Police say they found the rapper in possession of cocaine, a firearm and a large amount of marijuana. He was also cited for allegedly having a false compartment in his vehicle...Law enforcement officials tell TMZ the search warrant was conducted as part of an ongoing investigation into the Dogg's arrest earlier this month at the Burbank Airport..."

It sure would be great if a rapper would get arrested for something other than a bag of weed and a gun. Like in a make believe world where DMX got pulled over and the cops found plutonium and his plans to his secret underground lair. Man, how did he build it under a volcano? That DMX is a genius!!

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• Is Kid Rock Mister Mom? [Dlisted]
• Lindsay can't play with Paris anymore [Hollywood Rag]
• Scarlett Johansson is smoking [Egotastic]
• Hilary Duff got her chompers fixed [Hollywood Tuna]
• Madonna's adoption is challenged [Popsugar]
• George Clooney rags on Brad Pitt [Just Jared]
• Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson's offspring [City Rag]
• Is Kirsten Dunst knocked up? [A Socialite's Life]
• Paris Hilton will be dead soon [College Humor]
• Bye, Bye, American Pie (Bobby) [Pajiba]
  

Reports are now surfacing that there was an actual reason that Britney filed for divorce from K-Fed. He was banging former porn star, Kendra Jade, for over a month. A source says:

Kev and Kendra had sex at their friends' apartment multiple times, starting in early October...Their friend would phone Kendra and a few other girls to come hang out, and it would always end up with Kevin and Kendra heading off to the spare bedroom!"

A week ago, my hatred for this idiot would have overtaken me if I had heard this. Now, after seeing every part of his wife that I didn't want to see, I can't say I blame the dude. I'm surprised he wasn't having sex with a donkey. His wife is a millionaire but looks like she entertains clients in a truck stop bathroom. At this point, I hope he takes her kids and every dime she has. Britney could start a religion and get burned alive by the FBI and she would seem less crazy than she does right now.


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Update: Bill was cool enough to send us this picture of Kendra Jade on stage wearing a "Spear Britney" shirt. Even though "harpoon" is more fitting than "spear" at this point, it's still a great picture. Thanks, Bill!

Cameron Diaz has been walking around with a new nose. She finally had it done claiming it was because she hadn't been able to breathe through it properly after she broke it while surfing in Hawaii. Which, of course, would be a great excuse if we didn't know she's always had a big man-honker. Meanwhile, she's still infatuated with herself.

Cameron told Britain's OK! magazine: "I don't know if I do anything to annoy Justin. Nothing. I'm perfect. That's probably what drives him crazy!"

You know what else would be perfect? If her plastic surgeon's knife slipped and sliced off her head. I don't think they make trash bags big enough to contain her Joker-mouth and her ego, but I'll be more than happy to make a custom sized bag just for her. I'll also make it sound proof in case she's still able to giggle and babble incessantly even after she's been decapitated. Then I'm going to buy a big, giant goal post and a big, giant extension for my foot so I can kick a big, giant field goal with her big, giant face. And it'll be worth six points instead of three because it's twice as awesome. Oh, one can only dream...

Here she is trying to hide her clear bandage and black eye on Nov. 21:


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