I really don't know how the exact saying goes, but I've heard that whatever you're doing on New Year's Eve and New Years, you'll be doing the rest of the year. If I'm Penelope Cruz's boyfriend and I'm looking at that banner picture, I hope that's true. These pictures of Penelope Cruz instantly get bonus points, but you can't hear her talk. When Salma Hayek talks I feel like riding to her house on a white horse and a rose in my teeth. When Penelope talks she sounds like that retarded Mexican kid, Mario, who used to get a bloody nose all the time from playing dodgeball when I was in 5th grade. She would be one of the hottest women in Hollywood if they figured out a way to remove her vocal cords and replace them with someone else's. I'd rather hear Optimus Prime talk dirty to me that this chick.



Note: Detail sweating time - the one in the black bikini is supposedly Penelope's easier, sluttier sister. Those are my favorite.

Despite reports that he had a brief fling with Jessica Simpson, Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Tony Romo, who is now dating American Idol winner Carrie Underwood, says the pair were never an item. In fact, he's never even met her. Gee, I wonder how the rumor got started?

Sources say rumors of Romo and Simpson's fling were the work of Jessica's manager daddy, Joe Simpson, who "lent her name out to Romo in exchange for game tickets." But Jessica's publicist, Cindi Berger, said talk of Joe selling out his daughter is "totally false" and that Romo...simply mentioned once that he wanted to meet Jessica. A rep for the Cowboys did not return calls."

And by "totally false" she means "100% totally true" because Joe Simpson doesn't sleep since he's too busy thinking about ways to pimp out his daughters. If they weren't famous, Jessica and Ashlee would have to do anal in the back of the cable van so Joe could get free HBO.

Carrie Underwood:


Source

Shortly after leading the countdown to the new year at Caesars Palace's nightclub, Pure, where she was hired to host the festivities, Britney Spears had to be carried out by bodyguards after collapsing at her table. Spears' manager, Larry Rudolph, says:

By about one o'clock, she was just done, so we took her out. She was not drunk. She was just tired and falling asleep. There is nothing out of the ordinary here."

That must be manager talk for "Britney had been drinking since noon," because there's no way you can convince me that a 25 year old grown mother of two had to be carried out of a nightclub because it was nap time. However, you can convince me that she was sloppy drunk because she's been partying now for two months straight. Girls don't get carried out of clubs because they get sleepy. They get carried out of clubs because they have puke in their hair and their panties in their purse.

Britney at Caesars Palace on New Year's Eve:


Source

I still had a headache and really didn't want to move when I saw these pictures of Jessica Alba in a bikini at a beach in Miami yesterday, but now I'm miraculously cured. It might be impossible for her to get any hotter. I read somewhere that some guy in a wheelchair grew ten feet tall and got drafted by the Celtics after seeing Jessica Alba naked. No lie.

I don't know how long Vanessa Minnillo has been on MTV, but I'm pretty sure she's been there long enough to know that she can't say the word "fucking" on the air. Apparently not, because she did. Live. During New Year's Eve. Too bad it wasn't Dick Clark so nobody would have noticed. That guy could read me something I had just written and I'd still have no idea what the hell he was talking about.

Vanessa and Nick Lachey on New Year's Eve: