I've never been to a Patti LaBelle concert because I'm not a gay dude or a black woman, but apparently I'm missing out. Especially if I'm invited on stage and make the audience laugh. I hope that never happens. Because I'd have a hard time deciding if I should use the base of my palm or my elbow.


Note: Lady Marmalade is a song about a prostitute.

Tony Allen, frontman for "Dead Stays Alive" (this shitty band) and the guy who Lindsay Lohan had sex with in a bathroom at the Cirque Lodge rehab facility (the dork with the gay scarf on his head), is coincidentally having problems at home. Gee, I wonder what went wrong? Female First reports:

Stephanie Allen - the mother of Tony's eight-month-old twins Blake and Lakeland - has been left devastated by the claims and has kicked her husband out of their Georgia home. A friend told Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper: "She's had it, period. They tried forever to have kids. She went through IVF three times and suffered two miscarriages, and when they finally got two beautiful babies, he hooks up in rehab with a girl half his age. "He is trying to live out this rock star fantasy at 40. All Stephanie wanted was for him to be a good husband and father."

When asked for comment, Tony was very remorseful:

Recent reports claim Tony boasted to friends about his affair: "Come on, it's Lindsay Lohan. Hell, yes! Wouldn't you?"

Wow, can't Lindsay Lohan just walk by a penis without jumping on it? Jesus, this skank will screw anything. I always thought it would be cool if technology could actually create a time machine, but now I'm not so sure. Lindsay would probably steal it. Then you could open any U.S. History textbook and learn that the leading cause of death of Native Americans in the 1700s was white people and AIDS.

Paris Hilton says she is planning to donate a stack of her clothes and shoes because she claims she has more than she could ever wear. Oh, and she's a whore. She says:

I have, like, a million clothes and more than 500 pairs of shoes, so I'm going to give a bunch of them to orphanages and children's hospitals. I never wear something twice."

Paris probably didn't think this through, because I don't know many orphanages that take kids skiing. Because that would be the only way they could use Paris' gigantic shoes. Maybe it's an orphanage for Eskimo kids. That could work. Snow shoes are pretty expensive.

"These shoes suck:"

The sun wasn't even down yesterday before Oscar De La Hoya's handlers were screaming that the pictures of him dressed up in lingerie were fakes. However, the pictures were leaked by an unnamed Scores West stripper, and she has quite a few details that she'd like to share. Oh dear God. New York Daily News reports:

The photos are being peddled by a Scores West dancer, according to R. Couri Hay, the Gotham magazine columnist who scored the first interview with the twentysomething woman. "She says she took the photos at the Ritz-Carlton in Philadelphia on May 17," Hay tells us. "I fully believe she is telling the truth. She had been reluctant to talk. But now that she's being called a liar, she's ready to sell her story. And, believe me, she has a lot of details."..."He wore size 9 ladies shoes. He also liked wearing thigh-high nylons. He liked sex games. He and the girl would sit in a chair that they'd pretend was a motorcycle. He'd pretend he was the girl on the back of motorcycle. She'd be the guy. He'd grab her around the waist and squeal, 'Faster! Faster!'"

I've sat here and tried, but I can't think of any way this story could get any gayer. Maybe if the pictures showed Oscar wearing a mesh halter top or tying ribbons in a pony's hair. I don't know, maybe. But I think it's safe to say the gay is pretty much tapped out.

De La Hoya's baby mama and Playboy Playmate Shanna Moakler:

The drama that is Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen's custody battle continued yesterday as Richards filed documents in superior court to "protect her children from Sheen." Richards apparently has a problem with Sheen dating underage girls and using the internet as his Neverland Ranch. People reports:

She believes that Charlie has significant personal issues which he has failed to address and which require her to take action to protect her children," says lawyer Neal Raymond Hersh. "This is not a vindictive action. Any responsible parent in Denise's shoes would go to the ends of the Earth to protect her children."...Sheen angrily responded, saying that Richards "behaves as though she owns our children. She does not. A day of legal reckoning for her is fast approaching."

Charlie may have murdered porn star Chloe Jones, and Denise Richards stole her best friend's husband, so it's clear these two may not be the best at making life choices. Either way, these two kids will have purple hair and cut marks by the time they're 15, so who cares who they live with? The judge should just let these kids go on some kind of Japanese game show. The winner gets shot out of a cannon into a lion pit, and the loser gets to pick which one of these idiots she wants to live with.

Charlie with his daughter and fiancee last month:


NSFW Denise Richards:

When she's not telling Dorothy about the yellow brick road or preparing for the Olympics with the Russian gymnastics team, Hayden Panettiere spends her time threatening to kill people. Specifically, the person who wrote this article. TV Guide's Michael Ausiello says:

Question: To help me cope with the fact that Heroes didn't win anything, could you please tell me which Heroes heroine nearly came to blows with a reporter on the red carpet? - Danielle

Ausiello: Man, you guys are asking all the right questions this week. It's almost like you can read my blog mind. Anyway, it was the unbreakable Hayden Panettiere who threatened to "kill" a staffer from Us Weekly over something she wrote about her in a recent issue....Just when it looked like Hayden was about to pull a Sylar on said reporter's skull, her quick-thinking publicist grabbed her and scolded, "Not on the red carpet." It was a classic Hollywood moment - and one I predict will be streaming all over the Internet by week's end."

Whoa, how frightening that must have been. I wouldn't know what I'd do if Hayden Panettiere was screaming at me. Maybe I'd shake a rattle or do a funny face. Or maybe I'd heat up a bottle. Awww, the little thing is sooo grumpy!

Just one look at these new pictures from the set of Jessica Simpson's movie, Major Movie Star, and it's obvious that she's a great actress. Sure, anybody can get a cheap Oscar by playing a mentally retarded paraplegic, but it takes a special skill to pull off transvestite. She better at least get nominated, because that chick in Transamerica didn't even look like a dude.

O.J. Simpson was shackled and shuffled to Clark County Justice Court this morning where he had his arraignment and bail hearing, and was subsequently released on $125,000 cash bond until his trial date. When he was read the list of felony charges against him, O.J. acted surprised and confused until the end when he told the judge he understood everything. Kinda like how he lied about killing his wife for all those years and then wrote a book admitting he did it. What a paradox that guy is! Hey, O.J., next time you almost die in a Naked Gun movie, make sure you actually do it. Then you'll be a motion picture hero of sorts, like Brandon Lee, or that wife murdering douche who finally died in that Naked Gun movie.


Update: Here are a few pictures of O.J. Simpson's girlfriend, Christine Prody, who looks like a cranked out street hooker version of Nicole Brown-Simpson. But that's not creepy at all.