Whatever you do tonight, please do it safe. Don't be like Paris Hilton and spread herpes. Don't be like Lindsay Lohan and crash your car while you're drunk and high. If your crotch looks like Britney's, please close your legs.

We'll be back on January 2nd. Until then, enjoy New Year's Eve with Paris and Nicky Hilton. They're "like two niggers!"

Who the hell knows why, but Lindsay Lohan was honored in Italy this weekend at the 12th Annual Capri Film Festival for her contribution to the film industry. Lindsay then celebrated by hooking up with three different dudes in less than 24 hours. The Daily Mail reports:

The Mean Girls actress, 21, first met waiter Alessandro Di Nunzio shortly after arriving on the Italian island of Capri for a film festival. The pair exchanged phone numbers at a film showing which the actress attended with Heroes star and friend Hayden Panettiere, 18. But she dumped her friend shortly afterwards to meet up with, and lock lips with, Di Nunzio. The pair enjoyed a meal together before getting cosy on a hotel sofa together. But it seems Lohan has a short memory when it comes to romance - the following day she was being whisked away by another Italian hunk, older actor Eduardo Costa. Li-Lo, dressed provocatively in a silver foil mini-dress, listened attentively to Costa's jokes, but it was not long before she was snogging again...Her love life is certainly buoyant, as the third of her trio of kisses was another local actor, Dario Faiella."

I saw a bumper sticker one time that said "Italy is for lovers!" so the Italians probably gave her this award on purpose. They knew Lindsay would get off the plane and start trying to have sex with as many people as possible. Sure, they could have given the award to an an actual actress, but who else would walk out on stage on their hands? The wheel barrow position is always a crowd pleaser, you know.

Christina Aguilera is like 5 feet tall, so if somebody could tell me what is going on with her stomach I'd appreciate it, because it's twice the size of her body. Christ, she's huge. Her husband looks like he might have a tail, so I hope this turns out to be a normal human baby. Christina could be bringing home a cute bundle of joy and sunshine, but there's good possibility the natives could be sacrificing virgins to keep him from attacking their village.

Nicolette Sheridan is still in a bikini [Dlisted]
Krystal Forscutt gets topless for FHM [Hollywood Tuna]
Ozzy Osbourne can't remember [Hollywood Rag]
Homer Simpson faces a new year [City Rag]
Tara Reid counts [College Humor]
Leelee Sobieski is in a bikini [Egotastic]
Jessica Alba has an engagement ring [Just Jared]
Lindsay and Ali Lohan in Jewish outfits (NSFW ads) [Drunken Stepfather]
Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady are still together [Popsugar]
Coco is rocking major cameltoe (NSFW ads) [Taxi Driver Movie]
Sean Penn has a dinner date [ASL]
Padma Lakshmi is almost naked [Popoholic]
In Texas, You're On Your Own (No Country for Old Men) [Pajiba]
Tom Brady gives Tony Romo good advice re: Jessica Simpson [TPC]

Sharon Stone walking around with her nipples hanging out recently (NSFW):

Having denied it for months, Milo Ventimiglia publicly confirmed his relationship with Hayden Panettiere last week. In case you thought it was creepy that a 30 year old dude is dating a chick who just turned 18, a "family friend" wants you to know everything is okay. People reports:

Hayden's mom adores Milo. She thinks he's so cute," a family friend tells PEOPLE. "She tells her friends that he's her boyfriend. She's very proud."...When the couple are together, "they're very affectionate and very comfortable around each other. He really takes care of her, even down to the little things like giving her a back massage and going with her to work."..."They're not afraid to show their affection around her family and their friends," says the friend."

Awww, how sweet. They sound romantic. I bet they blow kisses to each other when she points from across the grocery store to which wine coolers she wants. When people see them walking hand in hand by clubs Hayden can't get into, they stop and think that true love just might be possible. I know I sure do.


Hayden Panettiere and her Fischer Price "My First Pushup Bra" at the 12th Annual Capri Film Festival:

Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton hooked up at Pure in Las Vegas this weekend? What took so long? Page Six says:

Paris whispered some pretty sweet and enticing words in Kevin's ear," a Federline family insider told PageSix.com. "She basically asked him where he was staying and if he wanted to visit her in her own suite." According to the source, Kevin passed, but he said, "It will not be so easy to deny her next time."

There are several conflicting reports about who approached who and whether or not they spent the night together, but it's not really hard to imagine what happened. Paris hands out the ass like breath mints and K-Fed is known for getting skanks pregnant. So in nine months when Paris is carrying a baby who's wearing special ordered shoes and a powder blue Starter jacket, you can tell all your friends you were right.

Mischa Barton was arrested at 2:45 a.m. on Thursday in West Hollywood after police spotted her straddling two lanes of traffic. Turns out she had a good excuse. She was really fucked up. TMZ reports:

A West Hollywood police source tells TMZ that when she was arrested, Mischa Barton blew a .12 on her breathalyzer test, smoked marijuana that day (which cops found) and had prescription drugs in her possession -- that weren't hers!"

Man, what a sexy life Mischa Barton leads! Glamorous days and nights filled with tequila shots, weed, and stolen pills. It's just like that movie Enchanted, but with way more hallucinations.

Nice pants, dumbass:

Jennifer Aniston hasn't been in the news lately, so her publicist made up a story that Aniston was pregnant, let people talk about it for a few days, then released a statement saying Aniston is not pregnant. See how that works? Us Magazine says:

The National Enquirer reported that Aniston, 38, is expecting and speculated that the father could be either Vince Vaughn, Paul Sculfor or Sex and the City hunk Jason Lewis. But her rep tells Usmagazine.com: "She is not pregnant."...The star "is in a great mood," a source told Us, despite the fact that she didn't have a date and "left alone" after the Christmas Eve dinner. "There's no drama, and that's why she's happy!"

Good for Jennifer. I saw her profile on a celebrity dating site richlonelyandboring.com. She has a great profile with attractive photos there. What is she looking for there? Dating, love, friends, a man to return her calls? Go there to find out!!

Jennifer Aniston on Christmas Eve: