In an essay written for Ellyn Spragins' upcoming book, If I'd Known Then, Jessica Alba says she was traumatized after her elementary school principle and a few PTA moms labeled her a slut because she had big boobs. Yes, I'm sure that was the reason. Page Six says:

The accusation still ricochets...They think I'm a slut?,"...Alba adds: "Boys are awful. They are made of nothing but hormones until they're about 20 or 21...It's fun to have a crush, but don't think it's forever...And use birth control and condoms, please."

As much as I would've loved to have been in Jessica Alba's 6th grade class, if she could just shut up, that would be great. "The accusation still ricochets"? I never see her wearing a scarlet letter, so maybe it's time to move on. She was born hot, called a slut in 6th grade because people were jealous she was hot, the she grew up to be rich, famous, and hot. Oh my, I hope there's some way Jessica Alba can pull herself out of this emotional hell.

Jessica pretending she's a good actress in Latina magazine:

Rumors of Angelina and Brad moving to France have been floating around for a while, and it now seems like the pair want to make the move prior to the birth of their new child (a girl, not twins as previously thought). The Sun UK says:

Angelina's mum, actress Marcheline Bertrand, died last year and the star wants to embrace her French heritage by bringing up her new tot over there. After months of house-hunting Brad and Angelina - who revealed her bump in a tight black dress at the weekend - have bought a chateau in the south of France and plan to make it their family home...The source added: "Angelina is proud of her French roots and wants her latest addition to be born and raised there."

You're probably right in deducing that this wasn't Brad Pitt's idea. Of course not, he gets to have unprotected sex with Angelina Jolie. Whenever Brad sees her mouth move he just starts nodding his head. This article could have said "the south of Afghanistan" and the only way Brad Pitt could've got there any faster is if he took a wormhole.

LOL Britneys [City Rag]
Miranda Kerr thinks Orlando Bloom stinks [Dlisted]
Katherine Heigl's wine and cigarette meal [Hollywood Rag]
Justin Chambers gets some rest and relaxation [Just Jared]
Jennifer Love Hewitt pregnancy rumors to begin? [Hollywood Tuna]
Lindsay Lohan does paper magazine [ASL]
Juliette Lewis has a nipple slip (NSFW ads) [Drunken Stepfather]
Gerard Butler has a fur coat and a purse [Popsugar]
Rihanna goes bowling [Popoholic]
Rihanna goes swimming [Egotastic]
Britney Spears flashes her crotch again (NSFW) [Taxi Driver Movie]
Elderly Soulja Boy [College Humor]

Loni Anderson out to lunch in Malibu on February 25th. WKRP, baby:

The day has finally come. Britney Spears' symbiotic relationship with the paparazzi has finally manifested itself. Adnan Ghalib, Britney's paparazzo boyfriend, is telling anyone who will listen that Britney is pregnant with his baby. Star Magazine says:

Only weeks after Britney Spears drove to Rosarita Beach, Mexico to exchange marriage vows with Adnan Ghalib, the paparazzo is bragging to friends that she is going to have his baby, Star has learned exclusively..."Britney is Adnan's dream come true. He knows that if he has a child with Brit, he'll be made for life," one friend of Adnan's tells Star. But while Adnan, 35, may be happy, Britney's family is not. Dad Jamie has stabilized her life and the last thing he and her mom Lynne wants is another grandchild. "Her parents know she can't handle more children," says a Spears family source."

I don't know if anyone has thought of this yet, but a good idea might be to have the nurse hold a box under Britney Spears' vagina so when the baby comes out so they can mail it directly to a foster home. That might save the court a few steps.

Britney out to dinner last week with her dad and 6,000 paparazzi:

Heidi Klum appeared on today's episode of Ellen where she showed Ellen Degeneres how to make Swedish meatballs. Naturally, the lighthearted segment quickly turned into a thinly-veiled discussion of men's balls. Ellen said something in lesbian about not liking balls then Heidi Klum said "You should try them sometime," then I knocked a hole in the bottom of my desk. I think the last two might be related somehow.

Heidi Klum's classic 2002 GQ shoot (NSFW):

George Clooney and Brad Pitt are best friends. Jennifer Aniston apparently doesn't like that. OK! Magazine reports:

The handsome Michael Clayton star - who just happens to be best buds with Jen's ex Brad Pitt - sauntered up to the actress at last Saturday's Night Before gala in Beverly Hills, where she was busy chatting with BFF Courteney Cox, David Arquette, Orlando Bloom, Robert Downey Jr. and his wife, Susan, outside of Bar Nineteen12. "George attempted to be friendly, but Jen wasn't having it," one eyewitness tells OK!. "After enduring a few minutes of the actor's presence, Jen turned on her heels and made a beeline for the Sunset Ballroom, where most of the guests were mingling."

You know, it would make it easier to like Jennifer Aniston if she woke up one day and realized Brad Pitt isn't coming back. It would make it easier if she realized that she was only ever considered A-list because of proximity. It would make it easier if every story we ever heard about her for the last three years didn't have something to with how evil Angelina Jolie is and what a victim Aniston is. Seriously, either find and keep a boyfriend or get on your knees and beg David Arquette to consider polygamy. No offense sweetie, but Mariane Pearl had a faster recovery time than you.

Jennifer Aniston on the set of Traveling:

Last I heard, the LAPD Chief was telling Britney to stay the fuck home, so I guess now the Beverly Hills Police has to respond to calls like this. Britney Spears called everyone she knew so she could have a photo op at a fucking Levi's store. Fuck Britney. Fuck her only "friends". Let them tear each other apart. Every time Britney leaves the house it's like opening a cabinet in a cockroach infested house. Just throw them a wad of DDT and get it over with already.


"Bri-nee, Brih-neh, I luh u!!" Border Patrol, please? (If they called her an asshole and told her to go home to her kids I wouldn't say a word, by the way.)

Lily Allen is some chick who got pregnant and subsequently not-pregnant by some dude from that techno group which produces all those songs that get stuck in my head. The one excruciating Lily Allen song I've been forced to hear too many times makes me want to punch her, as opposed to the techno guy's which just forces a Pavlovian bobblehead response out of me.

Anyway, here's Lily bending over.

I have a hard time wearing skirts because I don't wear underwear and when I do wear skirts, I have a visible reaction to the wind blowing. I swear these famous girls who constantly get caught in these "upskirt" shots have no snatch nerve endings.