Although I'm a wily savage and a godless heathen, I do celebrate Christmas. So hopefully my hangover won't last until Saturday because that's when I'll be posting again. Ooh, lucky you! I sincerely appreciate everybody who takes time out of their day to read my idiotic ramblings, and I hope to see all of you back in 2010. Be safe, hug your loved ones, and tell your girlfriend that I'll have my phone off for the next few days, so if she gets my voicemail, tell her not to panic. You now how she gets. You should probably handle that, dude. I'm not gonna lie, it's a little annoying.

Btw, the banner pic is my buddy Lennox Miller. She's a model out of Atlanta who spends most of her time in Sephora and stalking David Cook. She tried to blow me once on the MARTA, but seriously, what kind of guy does she think I am? I enjoy intimate conversation and an emotional connection before I give away my gift.

Scholars around the world are puzzled as to why Jessica Simpson is unable to keep a man for five minutes, because my God, she's such a natural beauty. And that's not even considering the fact that she's more needy than a paraplegic and she's been putting on weight like a dog rescued from the pound lately. I'd be afraid to ask for her autographed because I'm pretty sure I'd be ran over by a knight on a white horse.

God hates Lady Gaga [Popeater]
A quickie with Olivia Wilde [Popoholic]
Learning guitar to get laid [College Humor]
Lea Michele is topless [Egotastic]
Olivia Wilde cameltoe [TaxiDriver Movie]
Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon split up [Celebslam]
66 Women who wowed 2009 [COED Magazine]
Amy Winehouse got arrested [Cele|bitchy]
Taylor Momsen is scandalous [Heyman Hustle]
Coco's yuletide balls [Cityrag]

In her interview for the January issue of Maxim, Olivia Munn said, "I just broke up with my boyfriend, so I’m officially single," when asked if she was dating someone. Really? Then why was she spotted with her boyfriend Chris Pine in LA yesterday?! What is this trickery? Did she blatantly lie to make sure that guys with toy phasers on their keychains will still she's hot?! How will I ever figure out this great mystery?!

Legendary piece of ass Alessandra Ambrosio was in Miami this weekend and she decided to post some pics of her trip. Christ, this chick is perfect. I'm pretty sure if I licked on her I'd gain the power of flight.

Sienna Miller's vagina is like Ellis Island, so it's surprising that she's in Barbados with just her mom. She was hot as hell in Layer Cake, but these pictures aren't really doing anything for me. I want to masturbate to these, but I'm afraid I might wake up two months later with the doctor telling my mother it was a miracle.

After dating for a year, Ottawa Senators' Mike Fisher proposed to Carrie Underwood this weekend. People reports

Carrie Underwood certainly has a lot to smile about this holiday season. The newly engaged 26 year-old country singer turned up at her fiancé Ottawa Senators hockey player Mike Fisher’s game last night flashing some major sparkle on her left hand. A spokesperson from the Diamond Information Center estimates the brilliant round diamond comes in at whopping five-plus carats, with an estimated value of close to $150,000. Whew! Underwood, who famously declared her affection for her beau in the liner notes of her recent album, Play On (“I love you so much!” she wrote. “You make my life better in every way! I thank God for you every day.”), accepted Fisher’s proposal on Sunday, following a year-long courtship.

My penis really needs to be in traction right now, but more to the point, $150K?! I mean Carrie Underwood is hot and all, but damn dude. Unless her vagina can accurately predict the stock market or has a Blu-Ray player, that might be a little much. For a chick. Not for me of course. If it cost less than twenty it don't look right on me.

WTF UPDATE: The ring is 12 carats and is worth $1.3M

Yeah, so remember when I posted this and you got all butt hurt because you said I was jumping to conclusions? You do? Ok, good. TMZ reports:

Paramedics moved Brittany from the bathroom to the master bedroom, where they found a slew of prescription drugs -- "A check of the nightstands revealed large amounts of prescription medication in the decedent's name. Also noted were numerous empty prescription medication bottles in the decedent's husband's name, the decedent's mother's name and unidentified third party names." According to the notes, the medications included Topamax (anti-seizure meds also to prevent migraines), Methylprednisolone (anti-inflammatory), Fluoxetine (depression med), Klonopin (anxiety med), Carbamazepine (treats Diabetic symptoms and is also a bipolar med), Ativan (anxiety med), Vicoprofen (pain reliever), Propranolol (hypertension, used to prevent heart attacks), Biaxin (antibiotic), Hydrocodone (pain med) and miscellaneous vitamins. The notes say, "No alcohol containers, paraphernalia or illegal drugs were discovered."

Um, did the government cover up Brittany Murphy's tour in Iraq or did she get attacked by a puma, because unless either of those things happened, there's no reason why a 100-pound white chick who sits in makeup chair all the time should have this much pain medicine. Unless the words "Cloverfield" or "werewolf" are in the official coroner's report, it's pretty obvious at this point that Brittany Murphy really, really liked to get high. I don't think she liked the dying part, though. I mean, who does?