Sad news today, my friends. Two young, attractive, and rich white people broke up. Us Magazine reports:

After seven months together, Amanda Seyfried and Ryan Phillippe have pulled the plug on their relationship, a source tells Us Weekly. "It was mutual," the source says. "They were never fully committed." After meeting at Kate Hudson's Halloween party last October, the pair first called it quits in February. "They were always on and off," adds the source. "They were always seeing other people." Still, when reports surfaced in March that Phillippe, 36, was father of his ex-girlfriend Alexis Knapp's baby, due this month, Seyfried, 25, stuck by him.

Ryan Phillippe has two baby mamas, so I guess Amanda Seyfried could see things wouldn't work out long-term. She could probably visualize where her life would go with Ryan and she didn't like it. Sometimes it's hard to give up on love because it makes you view the world like you never have before. Music is sweeter. Sights are brighter. Life is just more worth living. But it's difficult being famous and in a committed relationship. The paparazzi lens craft erroneous tales of betrayal, jealously, and mistrust. I hope these two can find love again. That is my hope. That is my dream. For if two hearts can find love, that means we all can.

I don't know if Ryan Phillippe's semen contains some kind of gypsy curse, but Amanda Seyfried showed up to the European premiere of Red Riding Hood looking like she's aged about 40 years. I appreciate the big tits, but everything else just doesn't work for me. I mean, is she part cricket? What's up with her legs? And it's hard to look at anAHHHHHHHH!!!! Wow. Sorry. She caught me by surprise with her huuunnnggrrry eyes. She wants to show me what this movie's allll abooouuuuutt. Darlin' tonight.

Ryan Phillippe and Amanda Seyfried were in Paris this weekend, where Seyfried was consulting doctors for an experimental eye operation that isn't available in the United States. I'm making all this up of course, but it sounds right. I would say something else, but she can probably see me right now.

Reese Witherspoon realized her best years were already five behind her. Us Weekly had the details:

Reese Witherspoon married Jim Toth early Saturday evening at her 6-acre ranch in Ojai, Calif., UsMagazine.com has confirmed.

Wearing a custom-designed Monique Lhuillier gown, the actress, 35, exchanged vows with CAA agent Toth, 40, in front of 120 family members and friends (including Renee Zellweger, and Alyssa Milano, and Tobey Maguire) in the front courtyard of the Ojai house.

Reese and Jim dated for about a year before they got engaged.

Sources close to the newlyweds tell Us they're the perfect match. Says one pal of Toth, who's bonded with her kids: "He's a very confident guy who takes care of her."

"[Reese] really wants to be married and have that security with someone," another insider says. "They feel like they've hit the jackpot in this relationship!"

It's early and it's an aging Tracy Flick. This is supposed to be a huge deal, but at best, I almost care. I'm just a little peeved that her chin is probably going to be on magazine covers this week.

Here's her ex husband's new piece in shorts. All images from WENN.

Ryan Philippe's ex, Alexis Knapp, is seven months pregnant. And now she's prepared. TMZ reports:

Ryan Phillippe's ex/alleged baby mama has lawyered up ... and a legal battle is now brewing ... TMZ has learned.

Alexis Knapp -- the model/actress who claims to be carrying Ryan's baby -- has hired Mark Vincent Kaplan.

Ryan has said he'll take a DNA test once the baby is born and support the child if it's his, but Alexis is not satisfied.

And here's a fun fact. Kaplan repped K-Fed in his divorce/custody battle with Britney Spears.

Since news of her pregnancy broke, reports have all said that Ryan Phillippe agreed to step up and support the kid once a paternity test was done, so I imagine this move is just to cement everything in front of a judge. I also imagine Mark Vincent Kaplan's going to have a slightly harder time in court against a preppy, normal white dude who already has an active role in the lives of two kids than he did against a crazed redneck who needs her dad to sign a permission slip for her to go to Starbucks.

Ryan Phillippe's current piece, Amanda Seyfried, doing nothing to help Japan:

Everyone knows by now that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel broke up after four years because Timberlake wanted to take a Hollywood vagina tasting tour. But what you don't know is that Justin Timberlake is some sort of infidelity ninja, his penis lying in wait ready to strike at a moment's notice. Radar Online reports:

Star magazine claims that Justin had been “pursuing women behind Jessica’s back,” for a while and that he was spotted whispering with co-star Mila Kunis at a recent party. Justin reportedly “actively tried to pursue” Kunis last year, but she spurned his many advances. Mila and Justin filmed nude scenes together for Friends With Benefits in 2010, but despite his telling her that he and Jessica were secretly over, Mila didn’t take the bait. Knowing he still had a girlfriend, Mila didn’t accept his affections or advances. In addition, Timberlake was reportedly having “amazing sex” with Olivia Munn in October while they were filming together. According to other reports, Justin would often use a guy friend as his wingman and cover guy, having the buddy get a number from the girl and leave with her, while Justin would be the one who would eventually hook-up with her. As Justin’s fame is increasing with the attention he received from The Social Network, Jessica had tried being supportive, attending awards season parties with him, but the pair finally called it splits last week. And according to Us Weekly Timberlake was “miserable” with dating Biel for a couple of years and had been actively trying to end the relationship since January. “Justin thinks the breakup will be good because he can focus on his other ventures and just enjoy being single,” a source told the magazine. “You’d be surprised at how soon the love was lost on this one.

Don't get me wrong, Jessica Biel's ass could launch a thousand ships, but after four years sometimes you get tired of fucking a bitch. It happens. If you want unconditional love and someone to be happy every time you walk into a room, buy a dog. If you want to blow me in exchange for flowers and an 8:00 reservation at that restaurant you like, we can hang out until that gets boring.

With the possibility that he got the hot piece of ass in the banner pic pregnant, Ryan Phillippe wants to submit to a DNA test to make sure he doesn't have to write a check for the next 18 years. TMZ reports:

We're told Ryan will not submit to the DNA test until the baby is born. There are prenatal paternity tests, but there's a slight risk of miscarriage and Ryan does not want to take the chance. Our sources say Ryan will step up and provide support for Alexis Knapp's unborn baby, provided it is indeed his. Although there are reports Ryan and Alexis were boyfriend/girlfriend, we're told that was never the case. They had dated for a while but it was never serious. The baby is due in June.

His current girlfriend's eyes look like goggles, yet he wants scientific proof that he got this chick pregnant. To reiterate, look at the banner picture. Even if the baby wasn't mine, I'd take it to a tanning bed and pay the doctor to say it had smallpox. From a blanket. Because I'm Native American, you see. And if I said that then peop...oh, nevermind!

In the April issue of Elle magazine, Amanda Seyfried confirmed she and Ryan Phillippe are dating. Today, Ryan Phillippe's ex-girlfriend, Alexis Knapp (this chick), confirmed she was pregnant. Awkward you say? No, not at all. People reports:

Just as things are heating up again between Ryan Phillippe and Amanda Seyfried comes a potentially serious complication. Alexis Knapp, an actress who dated Phillippe last summer, is pregnant and, a source says, "Alexis has told friends that the child is Ryan's." The baby is said to be due in June. Reps for Knapp and Phillippe did not have any comment. But the source tells PEOPLE that "Ryan is aware of the situation [and] totally prepared to take responsibility should the child be his."

Amanda Seyfried's gigantic eyes probably saw this coming, so she should have had enough time to process it and move on. If not, Ryan can always drown it and dress it up in a Kimono and say that's how he found it.

"It's a trap!" That quote can reference two things in this post.