Victoria's Secret 'SWIM' collection was released yesterday I think, so that means Candice Swanepoel and Miranda Kerr in bikinis by a pool in Beverly Hills. And according to Facebook, my friend Dave was there because he posted a picture of the pool with the caption "waiting for the models. happy day" and put the picture in the album "March 29th, aka "The Best Day Ever". So, let's all take a moment to congratu..oh just go fuck yourself, Dave okay?



Pic source = WENN

It's way too early to bullshit each other, so let's just all agree that Candice Swanepoel has the perfect body. Because she does. Anybody who disagrees either likes penis or just time traveled here from medieval times. I mean they were living somewhere between the 5th and 15th century, not the dinner theater where you eat twenty yards away from horseshit and a pothead in a knight costume. Jesus Christ, what are you people expecting to see? A dragon? You're in Myrtle Beach, asshole. It's Black Bike Week outside, these aren't real knights. Oh, just shut up and go smile for your framed group entrance photo and eat your $50 chicken leg. Nobody cares.

Note: Sorry. I have no idea where all that just came from. I have so much hate inside of me. So much hate.

Here's Candice Swanepoel in St. Barts shooting for Victoria's Secret, and if I can be completely honest for a minute with the Duggar family. I totally get it now.

Jesus, what is up with Demi Lovato's hat? Let's move on from that. Here's Candice Swanepoel in a bikini because Candice Swanepoel was specifically born to wear bikinis and lingerie and make it difficult for you to act excited when your girlfriend comes home with a Victoria's Secret bag. Awww, look at her sitting over there trying so hard. Now pat her on the head and tell her she looks just as good as those skinny models. They're way too skinny for you, you don't even think that's attractive. What does she eat, birdseed? LOL! You like a woman who can eat and have a beer. You love a woman who isn't wrapped up in her physical appearance and is more focused on her inner beauty. Say it just like that. I mean, you have to, because it's not like Candice Swanepoel is gonna come by and make you sandwiches and do your laundry now is she?

Being absolute physical perfection must be exhausting, so I'm glad Candace Swanepoel got to relax during her shoot for Rag & Bone. Wait, "Rag & Bone"? Weird. I was thinking the same thing.

I just realized I have Mel Gibson, Ashton Kutcher, Nicki Minawhateverthefuck, and Kim Kardashian on the main page right now, so yeah, sorry about that. To make it up to you, here's Candice Swanepoel in lingerie. So click on the pics if you want, because it's imp....what's that? Well, fine. Don't then. Be that way! Why is it always "me me me me me" with you?!

I could talk about Penn State and the disproportionate number of cars flipped for the elementary school kids who got raped in their bathroom, but the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show was last night. Everyone wins!

Candice Swanepoel isn't getting sent to prison or divorced, but she did help Kim Kardashian earn money when she modeled for the 2010 Kardashian swim line. That's as good a reason for her to be here as any.