Calling Lindsay Lohan a complete fuck up is like making fun of handicapped kids or Herman Cain. At some point it just gets too easy. Like yesterday, where her scheduled taping of Ellen (which was planned for months, btw) to promote her Playboy cover had to be canceled because Lindsay couldn't bother to actually be on time for her flight out of Hawaii back to LA. Radar Online reports:

In a carefully crafted statement from her rep, Lohan’s latest excuse is “Lindsay was delayed in Hawaii due to a travel-related issue.” As for missing the show, the one and only interview she was going to do to promote the cover, her rep said “Lindsay offered to tape Ellen tomorrow, but the show was unable to shift things around, and tomorrow is their last day of taping for the season.”

As you read this, please keep in mind that, "Lindsay was delayed in Hawaii due to a travel-related issue", is rep talk for, "Fuck dude, I don't know, blow? Probably blow. It's Lindsay. Who knows? She met a Bulgarian guy who owns a club or something? Maybe it was a Ukranian guy? To be honest I really don't remember. They found her panties behind the dumpster is really all I know at this point."

Lindsay leaving LAX yesterday where she immediately went to Kanye West's VIP afterparty. Priorities, people.

I know, I know, this bitch again. It's a slow news day. From Radar Online:

The Senate's historic vote to repeal the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy has led to an outpouring of Twitter support from celebs, with Lady Gaga leading the cheers.

"Can't hold back the tears + pride," Lady G Tweeted. "We did it!! Our voice was heard + today the Senate REPEALED DADT. A triumph for equality after 17 YEARS."

The singer has been has been among the most vocal critics of DADT. She frequently railed against it during concerts and even released a video
demanding the repeal.

Kathy Griffin wrote, "FINALLY! Equality IS coming."

Ellen DeGeneres Tweeted, "Thank you Senators for pushing us one step closer towards full equality."

And Ricky Martin added his voice, Tweeting " DADT is gone! Historical!"

So some unattractive public figures (and one goodlooking one who enjoys golden showers) endorsed a bill benefiting the demographics that hurl the most money at them. I just fell asleep writing this because it feels like I'm watching CSPAN.

Because I too like exploiting our fanbase for site hits seeing you happy, here is Doutzen Kroes in lingerie. We did it!

Less than a day after Ellen Degeneres announced she was leaving American Idol after one season, she has been replaced by someone with even less musical talent.

We've just learned the backstory of how Ellen DeGeneres bowed out of American Idol and who will be the new judge taking her place. It's Jennifer Lopez, JENNIFER LOPEZ whose singing and acting career has been on the skids after her recent movie failed at the box office in the spring and she was dropped by her record company Sony Music Epic Records this past winter...As for Ellen Degeneres, we're told she wanted off the show two months ago and complained that Idol producers "couldn’t control Cowell", one insider tells us. Least of all Cecile Frot-Coutaz, the CEO of FremantleMedia North America. "Cecile is doing X Factor with Simon, so she's in his back pocket." DeGeneres and her reps went in to to see Fox Broadcasting's Entertainment Chairman Peter Rice and Alternative TV President Mike Darnell and asked to be let out of the year left on her contract. "She's not comfortable. She's not happy. It's not been fun," Fox was told. But Rice and Darnell responded that, with Cowell leaving, "We can't let you out now because it would be bad for our franchise. Give us a chance to figure out who we could get."

So, it will be Randy Jackson, Kara DioGuardi, Jennifer Lopez, and whoever replaces Simon, right? Wrong. Kara DioGuardi just got fired. TMZ reports:

Sources connected with the "American Idol" negotiations tell TMZ Kara DioGuardi has judged her last contestant on "American Idol" -- because she's been fired. We're told the show will be going back to a three-judge format and assuming all deals are finalized, the judge's panel will consist of Randy Jackson, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler. We're told the only way Kara could get a reprieve is if the J-Lo deal falls apart -- but we're told that deal is done.

I just feel bad for Perez Hilton. Not really. He's been tweeting all night literally begging for the job and thinks he and Jessica Simpon would be a better option than Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler. Yeah, because that's what America wants to see. A guy with cockbreath and sequins offering singing advice while he waits for the fat blonde next to him to finish her Big Gulp and coloring a picture of a bacon cake with hearts around it. If I was Randy Jackson behind the desk with these two, I wouldn't last five minutes before I set myself on fire.

Nicole Kidman has vagina lips [Dlisted]
Angelina Jolie collapses [Hollywood Rag]
Edison Chen quits after the sex scandal [Just Jared]
Stacy Keibler strips and shines [Hollywood Tuna]
Milo Ventimiglia does GQ [ASL]
Abigail Clancy has a see through dress (NSFW ads) [Taxi Driver Movie]
Kate Hudson and her Jewish outfit (NSFW ads) [Drunken Stepfather]
Beyonce and Jay-Z are still annoying [Popsugar]
Celebrity ass cracks [City Rag]
Ali Larter gets Photoshopped [Egotastic]
"Be Kind Rewind" vs. "The Amanda Show" [College Humor]
I Love My Dead Gay Son! (For the Bible Tells Me So) [Pajiba]
Salma Hayek still has a huge rack [Popoholic]

More of Christina Aguilera and her massive knockers on the Ellen show:

Ellen, it was as simple as notifying the adoption agency of the dog's move and registering the dog's microchip to yours or your hairdresser's home (which can easily be done online, btw). Furthermore, Mutts and Moms should have evaluated the dog's living conditions before they decided to behave like idiots and (with police and taxpayers' money intervention) bounce the poor guy through the system, yet again.

All of this could have easily been avoided if all parties involved cared more about the dog.

But, hey, at least Ellen's friends got their ... how many was it? ... minutes? ... hours of fame? ... fuck, I have no idea since Pastor Scott's last wife's perpetually broadcast infomercial came on while I was writing this, and she is riveting. Did you know Melissa Scott (a.k.a. Barbie Bridges) used to do porn? Do you hate her faux random accent as much as I do? And she's a shitty singer, but at least she sings better than Shitney. Where was I again?

Long story short, Ellen Degeneres adopted a dog from Mutt and Moms and when it didn't get along with her cats, she gave it to her hairdresser and her two children. However, Ellen signed an agreement with Mutts and Moms saying she would not 1.) give the dog away and 2.) give the dog away to a house with kids under 14. She did. Turns out Mutts and Moms didn't like that, so they went to the hairdresser's house and confiscated the dog. Ellen's response? A complete emotional breakdown on national television. Yeah, that seems like a perfectly reasonable reaction. I could get kicked in the balls at my parent's funeral while a doctor was telling me I had an inoperable brain tumor and I would still cry less than this.

Update: It looks like those fascists Mutts & Moms already gave Iggy to a new home. Harsh.

Megan Fox because Ellen would so hit that: