Karl Lagerfeld says Adele is too fat. Us Weekly says:

Famed fashion icon Karl Lagerfeld knows the fashion industry like the inside of a Chanel suit, but when it comes to being diplomatic about a woman's body shape, he could use a little help. "The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice," the 78-year-old head designer and creative director for Chanel told Metro Paris on Monday about the "Someone Like You" songstress, 23.

I'm not here to talk about how "real women" have curves and how the "average" woman is a size 14 and Marilyn Monroe was too (because by today's size standards, she wasn't) or how we need to be nicer. Because a lot of "real women" are size 2s, and yeah, Adele is pretty big. But what exactly is she "too fat" for? She makes her living by singing about men leaving her, not by modeling bikinis or fitting on rollercoasters. If she loses enough weight, a man may stick around a little longer and drunk girls won't have as many good songs to sing when they're sad. If her having some extra slices of pie means we'll be subjected to hearing a little less Rihanna and Katy Perry all the time, by all means, let a fucking girl live.

So I guess we can expect 23 some timesoon then? Page Six reports:

Adele and Simon Konecki were spotted in the Everglades National Park, getting on an airboat for an alligator-spotting tour. Adele wore a printed caftan over black leggings and had a smile across her face as Konecki, in a red hoodie, embraced her. Konecki then pulled the "Rolling in the Deep" singer in for a kiss.

I bet he's really handsome.

Konecki, 36, operates an English charity called Drop4Drop. He is stocky and sports a full beard. But it may be his sense of humor that drew Adele to him. In a recent interview with trade publication The Grocer, Konecki was asked which celebrity he would hire to work for his company. "Snoop Dogg," replied Konecki. "To answer the phones with his dulcet tones." He is a dead ringer for hairy Hangover actor Zach Galifianakis — who Adele told The Sun she fancied last year. Simon, 36 — boss of Brighton-based charity Drop4Drop — joined Londoner Adele on a trip to the Everglades National Park near Miami. He made her giggle as they strolled on a beach before boarding an alligator-spotting airboat. So it's no wonder she snapped him up. Adele, whose split from a previous boyfriend inspired her biggest hits, also told The Sun: "If they make me laugh, I'm in the bed." (ed.'s note: Ladies?)

I like how the article thinly suggests that Adele's boyfriend is ugly and fat yet she only condescended to go out with him because he makes her laugh. Yep, that's the only reason. She could have her pick of male models or A-list actors, but she just wants the guy who makes her laugh. Totally. It couldn't have anything do with the fact that they probably just closed down a Cracker Barrel together before they got on the airboat. Let's not get carried away here, New York Post.

Note: Also, there's really no need to include the phrase "Adele wore black leggings" in any more of your articles. That part was already assumed.

Apparently after walking into Boston Market and trying to swallow a whole chicken, Adele messed up her throat and had to have surgery. Haha, I made that first part up, you guys! It was a Bojangle's. People reports:

British singer Adele is well on her way to a full recovery following throat surgery for a hemorrhaged vocal chord. "Thank you for all your positive thoughts and get well wishes," the Grammy winner, 23, writes on her website. "I'm doing really well, on the mend, super happy, relaxed and very positive with it all." She adds: "The operation was a success and I'm just chilling out now until I get the all clear from my doctors."

This is the closest thing to a sports injury Adele will ever get, so I'm glad she's remaining as inactive as possible during her recovery. I mean, you wouldn't want to get on a treadmill or take a pliates class when recovering from throat surgery or anything. I read somewhere that if you do, that octopus from The Little Mermaid will come and steal your voice. I think it was the bible.

It doesn't seem to be helping.Us Magazine reports:

"I puke quite a lot before going on stage," Adele, 22, tells British Vogue in its October issue -- gracing its cover with a stunning closeup shot. "Though never actually on stage," the Grammy winner clarifies. But the pre-show puke guarantees a great performance, she says. "But then, I sh*t myself before everything...The bigger the freak-out, the more I enjoy the show!" One thing the curvy star doesn't get caught up in: Hollywood's obsession with diets and getting thing. "I've seen people where it rules their lives, who want to be thinner or have bigger boobs, and how it wears them down," she tells Vogue. "And I don't want that in my life...I have [body] insecurities, of course, but I don’t hang out with anyone who points them out to me."

If you didn't think Adele was hot before, I bet you do now. I mean, a fat chick who shits herself when the Krispy Kreme hot light is on? Then throws it up before she gets on stage. Rawr. You probably can't tell, but I'm really hard right now.

Swag. NME reports:

Adele’s ex-boyfriend is supposedly cheekily claiming for a slice of the profits she made on debut album ‘19’ – because he feels their doomed relationship was the inspiration for a number of the LP’s lovelorn tracks. The singer should be happy after her latest album, ‘21’, clocked up its 14th week at the summit of the UK charts last week. ‘19’ – which was released in 2008 - is currently occupying the Number Three slot. But according to the tabs today (May 10) she’s furious that her former partner is trying to claim the credit for her initial success – as well as a cut of the royalties. She is quoted in The Sun as saying: “For about a week he was calling and was deadly serious about it. Finally, I said ‘Well, you made my life hell, so I lived it and now I deserve it'." She added: "He really thought he’d had some input into the creative process by being a prick. I’ll give him the credit – he made me an adult, and put me on the road that I’m travelling.”

Adele appeals to overweight women and bitter women who have been fucked over by a man, so if my math is right, every woman in the world loves Adele. If you count gay dudes, then she's Alexander The Great, conquering the world by singing songs that go great with tears and ice cream about a guy who she says will never forget her although he dumped her already. I mean, she already said the dude could have had it all, so now he just wants a little bit. Why she gotta be so greedy? Damn. Make up your mind woman!

A fat chick who needs FEMA to come out and assess her emotional damage caused by men wants to be a lesbian? Man, I've never heard of such things. Fascinating. Tell me more. The Sun reports:

Given the chance, she would whisk her off on a two-week beano to the Greek island of Lesbos. She said: "If Rihanna wanted me, I'd do it with her. She's hot." Her infatuation started during X Factor last year. Adele said: "She had pinstripe flares on. She whipped them off and there were her stunning thighs. I said to all my girlfriends: 'Are you feeling a bit gay right now?'" She said: "I love boys, love men. I am fascinated by them even though at times they let you down and hurt me. But right now I am more single than ever. It's so depressing."

All Adele needs now is a chain wallet and some vans. And a polo shirt with the collar popped. And a fauxhawk. And jean shorts. And an oversized dog. If not, all of her words are hollow and meaningless and nobody will take her seriously as a lesbian.

In an interview with Rolling Stone that hits newsstands today, Adele reveals that she hates performing and suffers regular panic attacks. Mostly when her dressing room is out of Twinkies.

Despite the fact that she's one of the most successful new recording artists of the past few years, Adele still has terrible stage fright. "I'm scared of audiences," she says. "One show in Amsterdam I was so nervous I escaped out the fire exit. I've thrown up a couple of times. Once in Brussels I projectile vomited on someone. I just gotta bear it. But I don't like touring. I have anxiety attacks a lot."

Granted, Adele has an amazing voice, but so does Darth Vader. Yet Darth Vader walks around and does stuff even though his legs were cut off and he was burned up by molten lava. Have you ever seen Adele "perform"? She sits on a stool and closes her eyes while some dude plays piano. Exciting. But back to the vomiting thing. She should keep doing that for a while and see how it turns out. And if she loses weight, hey, no harm done.

Note: I had every intention of posting a pic of Adele, but when I did a GIS, Adele Silva came up. So, you know, I went with that.

"Hey, I'm rolling in the deep. But figuratively, though. 'Rolling' is an action verb, you see, and I'm sitting perfectly still in this chair, sooo..."