Apparently falling into a deep depression after Brad Pitt moved out to film a movie, Angelina Jolie tried to kill herself. "Wait, what now? Dude," my penis said as he lifted his head up from his nap. The National Enquirer reports:

The sultry brunette beauty confessed to Brad that she was afraid her suicidal tendencies would return after learning that he'd made plans to move out
on his own, according to insiders. But the big-screen hunk assured her the separation would be temporary, and their love would survive the split, sources say. "Brad was in France checking on their chateau recently, and Angelina was in Los Angeles with the kids when she called him in a panic," a friend divulged. "She told him, 'When you're not around, I get these terrible feelings. I got the same feelings when I was younger, and that's when I tried to kill myself.' "Angelina said, 'I feel lost without you - like I'm being abandoned.'" But Brad, 46, immediately reassured the high-strung Angelina that he wasn't leaving her for good, even though he'll be living apart from her and their six children while they work on separate movie projects, the friend revealed. "Brad quickly calmed Angelina down. "I'll always be there for you and the kids. I promise.'"

I guess there are worse things than being known as the guy who made one of the most beautiful women in the world try to kill themselves because you said you were leaving for a few months. I can see how that would be a good pick up line.

Daniel Edwards, the sculptor who obviously was abused by his parents, has unveiled his new sculpture of a naked Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie called, "Brangelina Forever." No, it's not creepy at all. PR Newswire reports:

Phantom-Financial announces the December unveiling of the sculpture of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in an amorous embrace by artist Daniel Edwards, just minutes from Brad Pitt's own birthplace in the Oklahoma City Metro area. The sculpture is part of the 4,000 Sq Ft, $500,000 house named "The Brangelina," by the Los Angeles artist known as Xvala. "Brangelina Forever," a life-size casting of Brad and Angelina in bed, making love Harlequin Romance-style, with a cooing dove perched on Brad's finger, is installed in the ceiling of the master bedroom to inspire a 'sexual healing' for the room's occupants. The statues are embedded with crushed glass containing Brad and Angie's DNA obtained from wine glasses from which they drank while reportedly celebrating the anniversary of their first meeting on the set of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." "The 'Brangelina' sculpture is destined to exist forever, the way Brad and Angie's relationship will persist in peoples' memories. Theirs is the Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton romance of our time," said publicist Cory Allen. Inspired by Brad Pitt's mission to help rebuild houses in New Orleans's Lower Ninth Ward after Hurricane Katrina, the artist Xvala built "The Brangelina," a house which requests its future owners agree to extend 'Honorary Ownership' of their home to Pitt and Jolie, and to accommodate them every time they come to town to visit Pitt's grandmother. "I believe every home in America should become an 'honorary home' to our Superstars, in order to connect celebrities and regular people in spirit," said Xvala.

Everybody involved with this is clearly on drugs, so I just want to point out that I would probably still have sex with this sculpture of Angelina. Because, seriously? Who are we kidding? I've had worse.

Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and one of their 70 cents a day kids showed up to the premiere of Invictus last night and I really hope they just got robbed at gunpoint immediately before this picture was taken because they look like absolute hell. Brad Pitt probably looks like this for a movie, but Angelina looks like she's been rollin and can't wait to put Vick's vapor rub on a hot wash cloth and put on her face while somebody waves around glow sticks. And what the hell is up with Maddox? Should he even be there? Because I'm pretty sure the blood splatter analysis has came back on that Vacation Murders victim.

During the 2008 election, hero-worshipping Hollywood stars were praying for the day that Obama would let them literally kiss his ass, so you'd think Angelina Jolie would jump at the chance to meet him. Um, that would be a no. US Weekly reports:

Barack Obama does not have Angelina Jolie's seal of approval. "She hates him," a source close to the U.N. goodwill ambassador, 34, tells the new issue of Us Weekly (on newsstands now). "She's into education and rehabilitation and thinks Obama is all about welfare and handouts. She thinks Obama is really a socialist in disguise," adds the source. But don't expect to see the Salt actress rally against Democrats on Fox News like her staunch Republican father, Jon Voight. "Angie isn't Republican, but she thinks Obama is all smoke and mirrors," the source says.

Whatever. I think Angelina Jolie might be overreacting a little bit. Obama can't even pick out a White House dog without taking longer than a murder trial and the only thing he's won recently is basically Mr. Congeniality at the Nobel Peace Prize awards and 2nd runner up at the Olympic selection ceremony. It's almost 2010 and Terry Schiavo has accomplished more than he has in the past year. The only way Obama could turn this country into socialist nightmare in the next 72 months is if he managed to resurrect Stalin and gives him Apache Chief's powers.

Hey now:

Radar Online has found long lost modeling photos of Angelina Jolie when she was a 16-year old model with the Finesse Model Management agency. And just to revisit this post, you now have a visual of what this dude was banging. I'm not even sure a judge would prosecute if he saw this walk in the courtroom. In a more likely scenario, the courtroom doors would close behind you and a disco ball would drop from the ceiling then the judge would plug in his iPod and start making margaritas.

If you were dating some chick and her 16-year old daughter looked like the banner picture, you'd hit it right? Of course you would. The Sun reports:

Controversial writer ANDREW MORTON alleges that the star slept with MARCHELINE BERTRAND'S live-in lover when she was just 16. Angelina was devastated when her mother died of cancer, in 2007, at the age of 56. Reports in Now magazine claim that the two women struggled to rebuild their relationship after the Changeling star confessed to the night of passion. "Marcheline had a live-in boyfriend whom she was very much in love with, but Ange slept with him when she was 16 and barely out of school," said a source. "Her mother found out and ended her relationship with the man. "When Ange admitted the story to her brother JAMES just a few weeks ago, even he turned on her. She has hardly anyone left in life who likes or trusts her."

Seriously, can you blame this guy? He was banging Angelina Jolie before she had more dicks inside her than a frat house. He was like the settlers coming to the New World or the discovery of Australopithecus. You know, except with way bigger tits.

Bitter, scorned women everywhere are tossing their Haagen-Dazs in the air and high-fiving each other today, because The Daily Mail is reporting that Brad Pitt's relationship with Angelina Jolie is falling apart and to console himself, he's running back to Aniston.

Brad Pitt is said to have held a secret meeting with his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston during a recent trip to New York. The pair, who ended their five-year marriage in 2005, met up at a hotel in the city for an hour where Brad unloaded his emotional baggage, according to Grazia magazine. The Hollywood star allegedly told Aniston about his relationship problems with Angelina Jolie, whom he hooked up with after walking out on the Friends actress. It comes amid reports that Brad and Jennifer are in regular phone contact and - if true - their latest encounter marks their second private meeting together in the Big Apple this year. A source told Grazia that Jennifer agreed to visit Brad in his suite at the Essex House hotel, next to Central Park. 'She arrived at his hotel suite a matter of hours after they had spoken. Brad was unloading his emotional baggage on Jen, which isn't exactly fair considering their history.' But the source added: 'She was quick to tell him she wanted no part in his break-up with Angelina.' At first she was reported to be reluctant to meet with her former husband.
But the magazine alleges Brad got his mother Jane - who is famously still close to Jen - to persuade her to meet with him and give some advice. It comes amid claims that his four-year relationship with Angelina has hit the rocks.

To reiterate, Brad Pitt has been banging Angelina Jolie for four years. Angelina. Jolie. I'm surprised his penis didn't walk in that room and take a hostage. And I can't speak for lonely women, but taking back the guy who cheated on you is kinda pathetic. Even if he is an A-list actor or has a fancy job at Nortel. Ooh la la.

While on set of her new movie with Gerard Butler, The Bounty, Jennifer Aniston was caught crying in her trailer. And you'll never guess why!! I was so shocked!!! New York Post reports:

The unlucky-in-love actress was late coming out of her trailer while filming "The Bounty" with Gerard Butler a few weeks ago. The source tells Page Six that when an assistant went to fetch Aniston, she was in tears, and said, "I need a moment. This scene reminds me of Brad and me." Aniston pulled herself together and managed to put on a smile when she eventually emerged from her trailer. The insider added, "While she enjoyed flirting with Gerard on set and put a brave face on every day, privately she is still very fragile."

Due to their deep psychic and emotional love connection, Brad Pitt felt a disturbance in the soul of his one true love so he rushed to the set to console her and sweep her in his arms. And by that I mean he put his penis in Angelina Jolie:

Meanwhile, Pitt's looking to buy property surrounding his and Angelina Jolie's French estate, Chateau Miraval, to build an airport so the family can fly in and out unseen by paparazzi. Brangelina plunked down $60 million for the 1,000-acre estate in the South of France, which features 35 bedrooms, a vineyard, lake, forest and a moat. A source said, "One thing he loves about the estate is the privacy it affords. Nobody can get near it. So with Angelina completing her pilot's license, their own airstrip would give them total freedom to come and go."

My dentist reads this site, and some of the ladies in his office are gonna give me hell for this next week, but seriously Jennifer. Get over it. It's been four years. Shark attack victims have a faster recovery time than you. Every time I get a chick pregnant then tell her that I'm going to the store to get some bread then don't come back, it reminds me of my dad. But you don't see me crying about it.

I think Jennifer Aniston really needs to ask Propecia the Crack Ho how to get over this (NSFW language):



Jennifer Aniston at the premiere of her newest blockbuster, Love Happens. Wait, $9M in five days is a blockbuster, right? Oh, wait. :