In the issue of Star Magazine on stands today, Angelina Jolie is seen in "eight never-before-seen graphic photos" doing heroin while wearing a dog leash and nipple tape. I don't know if Star Magazine missed the whole point of this or not, but I can't be the only one turned on right now.

In one set, the now-mother of six has black tape over her nipples and a dog leash around her neck. Others show her during a 14-hour heroin-smoking bender. "The photographs are a startling reminder to Angelina of a period in her life I’m sure she wants to forget, a shady piece of her history that she’s kept hidden away, even from Brad," celebrity biographer Andrew Morton, author of Angelina: An Unauthorized Biography, tells Star in our cover story.

Really? That's it? Heroin and a dog leash? It's Angelina Jolie in 1999. Just be glad these aren't pictures of her sucking off a horse and drinking the blood of a homeless while reading from the Necronomicon.

Since all anyone is reporting on this weekend is Comic Con, I guess I’ll keep that party going. According to Entertainment Weekly:

Police are investigating an alleged assault inside San Diego Comic-Con’s 6,000-person Hall H that occurred today around 5 p.m. PST. According to San Diego police, one man stabbed another in the face near the eye in a dispute over seating near the rear of the hall. Police say attendees subdued the attacker, who was arrested without further incident, and led out of the hall by police in handcuffs to boos from the crowd, according to an EW reporter on the scene. The victim was taken to the hospital, and the person’s status remains unknown.

I could really make a lot of jokes about sweaty guys who live in their mothers’ basements that make a yearly genesis to this poindexter mecca, but seriously, there is a shit ton of hot people there. Aside from the asshole who became stab happy over a seat in the BACK of the room, this place is a veritable deep end of the gene pool.

Long story short, Angelina's dick is bigger than yours. Hollywood Reporter says:

The National Organization for Women should send Angelina Jolie a nice cheese basket (or vice versa). The world's most famous actress-humanitarian might not have single-handedly erased gender inequality in the movie industry, but she sure has struck a major blow for actresses. How else to explain her $20 million payout for Sony's next big summer release, "Salt," an action project that originally was written to star a man -- no less than Tom Cruise? "It's definitely unusual that a female has become an action star," "Salt" producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura says. "But it's a funny thing. She's not a female action star; she's an action star. She's really the first female to transcend gender. I don't think it's occurred before."...No actress in Hollywood history has been able to chisel out the supremacy Jolie has in a male-dominated genre. Actually, her achievement is bigger than that. Her standard deal, which she received for "Salt" and "Tourist," is matched by only one or two other actors in the world, with $20 million up front, a hefty first-dollar gross percentage plus other sizable ancillary benefits. She already was getting $15 million for "Smith" and "Wanted."

Rich, sexy, and doesn't give not a damn about what you think. If the government decided to exterminate all women and replace them with clones of Angelina Jolie in Wanted, I would wrap myself in an American flag and feed a bald eagle a baby. Just sayin'.

Angelina to play a mistress who every guy in the world would bone? What incredible casting! USA Today reports:

Was Cleopatra really a beauty? Most of us probably picture Elizabeth Taylor at her most voluptuous. In her forthcoming biography of the Queen of the Nile, Cleopatra: A Life (Little, Brown, November), author Stacy Schiff points out that "we have little idea of what she actually looked like." And if Cleopatra were to be cast today? Angelina Jolie would be our choice. At a lunch this week in Manhattan to promote the book, Schiff and Little, Brown publisher Michael Pietsch said film producer Scott Rudin has bought the rights to Schiff's book, envisioning Jolie in the role. (Rudin's office confirms that the project "is being developed for and with Jolie.") Schiff says Jolie fills the bill. "Physically, she's the perfect look," she says. Brad Pitt is a no-brainer for Mark Antony. Julius Caesar? That one had Schiff temporarily stumped.

Angelina Jolie has no problems making out with her actual brother, so if I was the guy playing Ptolemy XIII, they could pay me in magic beans and Chuck E. Cheese tokens. And if I was playing Caesar, I would pay them. Or sacrifice a small Haitian boy. It's Angelina Jolie, man. She could play Spongebob or a mountain goat and they could still air it on Max After Dark.

I mean, we already knew that, right? The Daily Mail reports:

Mick Jagger had an affair with Angelina Jolie whilst he was still married to Jerry Hall, a new book has sensationally claimed.It is alleged the pair first had a brief fling after she starred in the video for the Rolling Stones' 1997 song Anybody Seen My Baby?, while she was still married to British actor Jonny Lee Miller. And it is claimed they enjoyed a second affair six years later in 2003, while the womanising rocker was with his latest lover L'Wren Scott. On this occasion it is claimed the two were seen going back to Jagger's room at the Oriental hotel in Bangkok, Thailand. The allegations come in a new book called Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie: The True Story, written by US biographer Jenny Paul. She has spent six years researching the material and her sources are said to include Jolie's close friend Texas Terri and an ex-boyfriend of her mother, Bill Day. In a string of other allegations, Paul also claims that Angelina was sleeping with Hollywood star Ralph Fiennes and ex-husband Miller when she met Brad Pitt in 2004. She also says that Jolie was dating Irish actor Colin Farrell, 33, for four months after meeting him on the set of 2004 film, Alexander. The new book also outlines an account of how Angelina Jolie and her current partner Brad Pitt got together. When they first met, he was still married to Friends star Jennifer Aniston. 'Brad told Angelina just weeks into filming Mr & Mrs Smith that his marriage to Jen was over in every way apart from on paper and had been for more than a year,' says Paul.

I 've had a chair and a whip for a while now, because it should be obvious at this point that Angelina's vagina is roaming Hollywood like a roaring lion seeking to devour every relationship that stands in the way of the cock. That's why I really hope all my scripts sell soon, because in my meeting with Angelina there's a good chance I'm tying a steak to my balls.

Since Angelina Jolie's vagina is like that tractor beam on the Death Star for all her male co-stars (Johnny Miller, Billy Bob Thornton, Brad Pitt), somebody doesn't like that she is currently filming The Tourist with Johnny Depp. Specifically, his girlfriend of 12 years and mother of his two children.
The New York Post reports:

But Johnny Depp's longtime gal pal has no intention of joining the trail of brokenhearted Hollywood ladies left crying to Oprah Winfrey after Angelina Jolie stole their men. So when Vanessa Paradis found out her "Pirates of the Caribbean" stud and Jolie were to shoot a passionate love scene in their new movie "The Tourist," she ordered Depp to find another gig, a source told The Post. Paradis "found out that there was a real long and intense love scene between [Depp] and Jolie," a source close to the project said. "He's currently trying to [get out of the movie], but I don't know if he's succeeded. But he's trying and they're talking about replacing him with [Jolie's partner] Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio." Paradis, Depp's partner of 12 years with whom she has two kids, doesn't have to look deep into Jolie's past to find reasons to worry.

Angelina Jolie could be stricken with leprosy and have have golf balls for eyes and still be a billion times hotter than Vanessa Paradis, but Johnny Depp doesn't seem like the type who would be lead by his dick (his girlfriend case in point). Unlike me of course. If I was Johnny Depp, every time she walked by my trailer she would need Hannibal Lecter to whisper to me until I swallowed my own tongue.

Johnny Depp on the set of The Tourist. Oops:

Angelina Jolie is in Paris shooting The Tourist with Johnny Depp right now. In related news, my penis is in the other room complaining about his IV. But after seeing these pictures, the doctor thinks it's best that he gets rest and plenty of fluids.

Britain's News Of The World ran a story last week that OMG BRAD AND ANGELINA ARE BREAKING UP!!! I guess somebody should have told them before they made reservations for dinner. People reports:

"Angie and Brad were actually out to dinner together in Los Angeles when the rumor broke," says the source. "That's how ridiculous [the story] is." At the time, multiple sources told PEOPLE the report, which originated in a British tabloid, was "totally false."

I don't know if she still has the receipt, but Jennifer Aniston might want to check the return policy for that voodoo doll and love candle. I can't shake the feeling the salesperson lied to her.