Ashlee Simpson is in Mexico right now with Pedo Joe and the rest of her family, and umm, goddamn. If this bent over in front of me, just hand me a piece of chalk so I can draw an outline of where her vagina used to be (*). Also, Jessica Simpson is not pictured. I assume she's inside waiting for the beans to refry. WHY YOU TAKE SO LONG BEANS??!!

(*) = That means I would totally have sex with her. Just wanted to make that clear to everyone.

This will end well. Star reports:

Jessica Simpson has staged an intervention for her troubled 26-year-old sister, Ashlee. Ashlee is in the middle of a painful split from Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz, 32, with whom she has a 2-year-old son, Bronx. And reportedly, she’s not handling it well. “Ashlee is downing eight to 10 bottled of wine a week,” a source reveals to Star. “Jessica is on a mission to save Ashlee from self-destructing, and she told her to funnel her angst into songwriting.” Knee-deep in wedding prep, Jessica has even enlisted her fiancé, Eric Johnson, who has been helping Ashlee craft songs. “Jessica has also been writing with Ashlee, but refuses to take any professional songwriting credit,” adds another insider. “The biggest reward for Jess will be seeing her baby sister bounce back.”

Ashlee's coming out of a marriage with a guy who made out with dudes and wore more eyeliner than she did, so I can understand why she'd turn to cheap Riesling to make the pain go away. That said, it's a poorly kept secret that Jessica Simpson is a (barely) functional alcoholic, so this should be about as successful as Ashlee and Jessica's TV shows and last two albums. To really set Ashlee up for success, Jessica should spring for a few more experts. She can throw in her own relationship advice and parenting tips from Papa Joe, lessons on religious tolerance from Mel Gibson, and anger management techniques from Chris Brown. Because they're experts, you see.

In the midst of their divorce, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were spotted together twice over the weekend leading many to believe a reconciliation was in the works. Nope. Ashlee Simpson just gave him one last pity fuck before she took her vagina talents to South Beach. Or wherever. TMZ reports:

Ashlee Simpson feels badly that Petz Wentz is hurting over their impending divorce, and that's why she spent time with Pete over the weekend -- she is NOT getting back together with him. Ashlee and Pete hit up In-N-Out and Taco Bell, but there is no reconciliation. Pete is leaving town today for a month-long series of concerts, and she wanted to boost his spirits before he left. Our sources say Pete never wanted the divorce and would get back with Ashlee in a second, but she definitely wants out of the marriage. They're both trying to stay on good terms for the sake of their son, Bronx.

Ashlee tried to make it work for the kid, and now that the kid's skull is fully formed, it's time to move on. Why? Mostly because Pete Wentz wears skinny jeans and did a video once where he showed guys the proper way to apply eyeliner. So if you think he was breaking Ashlee off right, sorry. Ashlee could lock Pete and Christine Teigen in a closet for five hours and, at worst, come back to find them painting each others toenails and talking about Zac Efron.

Guess who's being blamed for the Pete Wentz-Ashlee Simpson split? From Pop Eater:

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz had lunch together with son Bronx in Beverly Hills this week, giving some hope to shell-shocked friends that they might reconsider their divorce. Insiders tell me, however, that's not going to happen if Ashlee's dad, Joe Simpson, has his way.

"Just like when Jessica split from Nick, Joe is doing nothing to encourage Ashlee to give the marriage another try, if only for the sake of her son," an insider tells me. "Joe likes being the only man in his daughters' lives and is happy that Ashlee has moved back into his home [in Encino, Calif.], just like Jessica did after she announced she was leaving Nick."

Whatever. Ashlee Simpson is best known for failure and rhinoplasty and Pete Wentz's eyeliner techniques are more popular than any of his songs, so I'm not sure why we're supposed to care. It's common knowledge that Joe Simpson is a controlling creep, so the only surprise here is that he hasn't sought out to manage The 5 Browns yet.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz announced their divorce earlier this week, and sources came out of the wood work to explain why. Us Weekly says:

Ashlee Simpson-Wentz sure wasn't feeling down last Friday, Feb. 4. Five days before she filed for divorce from Pete Wentz after less than three years of marriage, the star, 26, was out on the town in Hollywood -- hitting SHG's Eden nightclub...

"She was drinking Grey Goose and Sugar-Free Red Bull all night," the witness says. "She was laughing a ton," adds the Eden observer. "She didn't care who was around her...she was just there to have fun."

Things were less festive by Wednesday, when she and Fallout Boy rocker Wentz, 31, confirmed their decision to divorce. "We remain friends and deeply committed and loving parents to our son Bronx, whose happiness and well-being remains our number one priority," they said in a statement. (Their little boy is 2 years old.)

And although many were shocked by the divorce news, one source close to the couple tells UsMagazine.com the young pair have been headed for divorce "for quite some time."

At issue, among other things: Ashlee's "partying [and] being out of control," the source says.

Indeed, way back in June 2009 -- just 13 months into their marriage -- Simpson-Wentz was already "reverting to drinking and going out," another pal told Us Weekly at the time. The wild behavior was "an outlet for her unhappiness," the pal explained.

This split is pretty shocking. A girl with low self-esteem and bizarre daddy issues being unable to maintain a stable relationship is nothing new, but Ashlee and Pete had a lot in common: shitty music, bad haircuts, irrelevance, and a love for dick. Get it together, you crazy kids. Give the rest of us some hope.

Here's Ashlee leaving a salon. As in, this is what she paid for.

After dating since 2006, and being married since 2008, it was reported yesterday that Ashlee Simpson filed for divorce from Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz. Why? Oh, they just differed on something. That's all. No big deal. Daily Mail reports:

Ashlee Simpson has split from her husband of two and a half years and has filed for divorce. The singer, 26, married former Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz, 31, in May 2008 and have two-year-old son Bronx Mowgli together. The blonde cited 'irreconcilable differences' in the documents filed in Los Angeles County Superior Court on Tuesday. TMZ have reported that Ashlee is seeking joint legal custody and primary physical custody of their toddler. She has requested that Pete be granted visitation rights. She is also asking for spousal and child support. The couple reportedly did not sign a prenuptial agreement.

I tried to care about this story yesterday, but then I remembered I was writing about Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz then I got up and made a sandwich. I thought there would be some idea about what the irreconcilable differences were this morning, but apparently not. So I guess I'll speculate: eyeliner. Ashlee prefers lining upper and lower outer lids and lining the inner rim of her lower lid for a more intense look for an evening out, whereas Pete enjoys and all-out look for sultry eyes! Cover the entire lid with a dark gray, or for the newest take on the smoky eye, a deep bronze, eye shadow, and apply a lighter shade of the lid color in the crease with a fatter black pencil.

Prissy, Disney manufactured pop star Joe Jonas was leaving Street Lounge Restaurant last night when a paparazzo straight up asked him if he was gay and if Ashley Greene's "contract as beard partner" was gonna expire next month. What happens next is the most shocking and brutal attack on a photographer that the world has ever seen. And by "shocking and brutal attack" I mean, Joe Jonas saunters to his jeep and smiles then asks them to "show some respect". Man, I sure am glad he told those reporters off. I was beginning to think he'd leave with us still questioning his sexuality. You go Joe!

I'm not gonna lie, I thought everyone involved in this story died two years ago.inTouch Weekly reports:

Just two years into their marriage, there’s more trouble in paradise for Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Pete Wentz. The source of tension, say friends, is Ashlee’s stalled career and Pete’s obsession with his new band, the Black Cards, and its sexy singer, Bebe Rexh, an unknown twenty something New Yorker — who a source tells In Touch is “beautiful, very exotic-looking.” With not much experience in the music business, Bebe seems an unusual choice for Pete, especially since Ashlee, herself an established artist, hasn’t worked in more than a year. On the outside, Ashlee seems to be supportive of her husband’s new friend. “Ashlee is making a huge effort to make sure that Bebe feels like she belongs — and knows that Ashlee likes her,” a source tells In Touch. And, according to an insider, working with Pete and Bebe has made her write more music for an upcoming project. But a pal says it’s been difficult for her to sit back and watch as Pete gets close to another woman. “Ashlee is so insecure, it brings out the worst in her,” the pal tells In Touch. “She was so worried about Pete straying that she was fighting with him constantly about Bebe. Her friends told her to stop being so controlling or it would drive him away. Finally, she listened. Now that she’s giving him more space, they’re getting along much better.” Ashlee’s rep denies the story and says, “Both are committed to their marriage and are each other’s biggest support system professionally and personally.

If you want to know what this Bebe Rexh chick looks like, here she is. Since Ashlee is a pasty white chick with a massive forehead and gigantic ears, you can see how this might bother her. But please keep in mind, she's married to this guy. He's probably just showing her eyeliner application techniques or the dolls he has for sale on eBay. Ashlee could lock Pete and this chick in a room for four hours, and at worst find them painting each others toenails and talking about Zac Efron when she came back.