I was too busy watching the House marathon on USA to notice, but according to all the calls and emails I got yesterday, I missed Barack Obama being sworn in as our 44th President. Apparently that was some kind of historic event. Not sure why exactly because I'm pretty sure Obama didn't cross the Alps on elephants and I'm almost positive that CNN would have mentioned if he fed the crowd with two fish and five loaves of bread. Since they didn't, I really didn't see the need to watch another rich, Ivy league educated lawyer raised by white people turned power hungry, cutthroat politician tell me how he's just like me through words that other rich, Ivy league educated white people wrote. Sorry, dude. I realize I'm not supposed to notice because you and Martin Luther King, Jr. kinda look alike, but the guy who cuts my grass kinda looks like me too. That doesn't mean it's my lifelong dream to see him elected President.

Pam Anderson is on the beach, which I would have been WAY more into 5 years ago. Site NSFW [DrunkenStepfather]

J.Lo does Inauguration as only JLo can, in a gaudy way. [LaineyGossip]

Award for my bad: Marisa Miller nipple slip. [Egotastic]

Busted-ass celeb of the day? Eva Longoria and her poor hat choice. [HollywoodTuna]

Get the F*CK out of Julia Roberts' face. [SocialiteLife]

Kelly Osbourne was busted for assault [PinkIsTheNewBlog]

Suri Cruise seems to like New York. I would two if I was an alien hybrid. [CityRag]

Barack Obama doesn't fear terrorism, but he does fear filling up on Johnny Cakes before the peach cobbler is served.

Rip Torn knows the ground isn't level, and here I thought it was just me this whole time. [DListed]

This horrible album cover better be the last we ever hear of Sanjaya, or I'm calling immigration like the bigot I've always feared I am. [Seriously?OMG!WTF?]

Kristin Cavallari's 80s costume must have come with authentic 80s cocaine. [Hollywood Tuna]

What George Clooney would look like if we lost all respect for him [CityRag]

PETA begs Bristol Palin to give peas a chance. Meanwhile, I just killed a koala by choking it with my fist. [Celebitchy]

Pink would give Carey Hart away if he married again. Good news, because it's not like he'll fetch top dollar. [I'm Not Obsessed]

Don't you just want to shove something in Reese Witherspoon's mouth when she opens it like that? [Just Jared]

Not content with stealing the show at the Republican Governors Association in Miami this week, Sarah Palin cranked it up a notch by lounging by her hotel's pool in some ridiculously short shorts. Damn, it sucks McCain lost. Instead of getting to look at this for four years, we get to look at a First Lady who looks like the dad on Good Times in one of my aunt's wigs. Thumbs down, Electoral College. Thumbs down, man.


Thanks, Max!

In an interview with Politico last week, Scarlett Johansson said that she trades frequent emails with Presidential hopeful, Barack Obama, and that she is "shocked that he keeps up their back-and-forth correspondence." Johansson doesn't really go into great detail about what these emails are about or why they are emailing each other at all, but it obviously can't be anything bad because Obama is the golden calf and can do no wrong. Hero worshippers offer this explanation:

Scarlett Johansson has regular e-mail contact with presidential hopeful Barack Obama, but it may be because her twin brother, Hunter, works for him. Johansson said last week she offers Obama advice by e-mail and is "amazed" he finds the time to reply to her. "Someone like the senator, who is constantly traveling and constantly 'on,' how can he return these personal e-mails?"...Hunter, who was working as a community liaison for Manhattan Borough President Scott Stringer for over a year, left that job a few weeks ago. It's not clear what his position is within the Obama campaign. "He was one of the nicest, most unpretentious employees ever," said one Stringer staffer. "Nobody cared he was Scarlett's brother; we all forgot the last name."

My sister used to work in the mall at The Disney Store, but Mickey Mouse never emailed me. Why is Scarlett so special? Theories include my absence of a "gigantic rack."

Imagine who they want you to vote for! You'll never believe it!:

Jessica Alba took a musical stand for Barack Obama today, with an appearance in Will.I.Am's new video We Are One. The just-released black-and-white pro-Obama project also features Ryan Philippe, John Leguizamo, singer Macy Gray, actor/rapper Tyrese, Ugly Betty's Eric Mabius, Fantastic Four's Kerry Washington, Everyone Hates Chris' Tichina Arnold, comedian George Lopez, Friday Night Lights' Adrienne Palicki and The Boondocks' Regina King. In it, mom-to-be Jessica, 26, who's in her third trimester, says, "I would like to see a cleaner Earth, for my child, who I'm bringing into the world very soon."

I'm really glad I saw this video. I was struggling to find the right candidate for me, but thanks to the encouragement of a bunch of overpaid high-school dropouts and talking mannequins, I've learned that if you chant Obama's name over and over, something magical will happen! He's just like Candyman, only lighter!