Because she has mental powers of perception that exceed our ability to comprehend because of her strict macrobiotic diet, Gwyneth Paltrow predicts Jay-Z and Beyonce's surgically implanted baby will grow up to be a superstar. You know, because she has innate talent, not rich, influential parents who will make it happen. Hollywood Life reports:

Like mother, like daughter! Gwyneth Paltrow, 39, tells HollywoodLife.com EXCLUSIVELY that Beyonce, 30, and 42-year-old Jay-Z‘s little daughter Blue Ivy is a star in the making! “For sure, she is going to be an entertainer,” Gwyneth tells HollywoodLife.com at the Governor’s Ball on Feb. 26. “She just has this glow around her like her mother.” And the actress says the first-time parents are doing a great job at raising Blue. “Beyonce is doing great,” Gwyneth reveals. “She’s just a natural at being a mom. And Blue Ivy is stunning, she has the most beautiful eyes.”

If anybody can recognize star potential in a child, it's Gwyneth Paltrow. When she was 12, she beat out thousands of other child actors for the coveted role of Wendy Darling in Steven Spielberg's Hook through her sheer talent and glow. No wait, I meant Blythe Danner and Bruce Paltrow were best friends with Steven Spielberg and Spielberg was Gwyneth's godfather so she just walked the fuck in and got the part and has been acting using her family's connections ever since. So yeah, I can see how Gwyneth could make this assumption.

Other than sounding like a really good strand of weed and crying on a Jay-Z track, Blue Ivy Carter hasn't really accomplished that much. Hopefully one day she can get kids to sell crack for her like her dad or take other people's songs then pay them off to shut the hell up about it like her mom. But until then, she's just an average kid. Oh, wait. inTouch Weekly reports:

Beyonce isn’t leaving anything to chance when it comes to the welfare of her firthborn child. According to a friend, the new mom has two nannies on call at all times, which makes for a total of six nannies for little Blue Ivy Carter. “Beyonce wanted to make sure that her daughter has the best of care,” a friend of the singer tells In Touch. “Her diaper is changed every hour.” And proud papa Jay-Z, 42, is also lavishing attention on the newborn – by way of bling. “Jay-Z bought her diamond earrings and a platinum baby bracelet,” reveals the friend. “Even her bottle has pink sapphires on it.” A little over the top perhaps, but what can you expect from the couple who reportedly spent $1.3 million to bullet-proof the delivery room!

Six nannies and a bullet-proof delivery room? Is Blue Ivy one of the X-Men? Is some sort of bio-engineered human weapon for the government to fight the war on terror? No? Oh then she's just a fucking baby? I see.

Images from Beyonce's photoshoot for her new album 4 were just released today, and they were....uhhhh.... Photoshopped using a Vitiligo filter? What the fuck is all this about?

"Stop looking at my dick, guys."
In case you haven't heard (LOL!), Jay-Z and Beyonce and their surrogate had a baby, Blue Ivy Carter, five days ago, and almost immediately Jay-Z released a song called Glory featuring B.I.C.. Of course, "B.I.C" is a writing pen "Blue Ivy Carter", making her the youngest person ever credited with being on the Billboard chart. And apparently that's some sort of big deal I guess because Jay-Z held out a tape recorder while the kid was coming out. Man, how impressive! I bet she's gonna grow up to be a huge star with grace and humility and not at all be an entitled cunt. Billboard reports:

If you guessed that Baby Carter would grow up to be a star because of her ubiquitous, famous parents, you were probably right. If you anticipated her first song being released in her tweens, a la Willow Smith, you were dead wrong. Try within hours of her birth. Blue Ivy Carter, the bundle of joy brought into the world by megastar Beyoncé (with a little help from fellow famous dad Jay-Z) Saturday (Jan. 7), becomes the youngest person ever credited with gracing a Billboard chart, as Jay-Z's newly-recorded studio cut "Glory" -- officially billed as "featuring B.I.C.," an abbreviation of Blue Ivy Carter -- begins on R&B/Hip-Hop Songs at No. 74. (For historical purposes, this week's Billboard charts are dated Jan. 21). Blue Ivy Carter/B.I.C. also benefits from the era in which she born. Technology today allows an advantage in that Jay-Z was able to record and release "Glory" less than 48 after her birth. After almost 72 years of numbers, positions, peaks, lows, gains and debuts -- the first national Billboard chart was published the week of July 27, 1940 -- the little princess born to the reigning king and queen of R&B/hip-hop breaks the mold almost concurrently with her arrival into Beyonce's anticipating, loving arms.

I won't even go into how "Blue Ivy" sounds like a Febreeze candle scent or a strand of weed, but can we get off this baby's dick? Look, I understand the whole proud parent thing, but was this kid found by the Pharaoh's daughter on the river bank? No. Two famous people happened to fuck and they had a kid. That's it. She's a baby, let her be a baby. Let's try not to overthink this. Jay-Z already has a 9-year old kid he threw $1M at to go away, so hopefully he doesn't grow up with the lyrics of this song seared into his brain. Toddlers riding solid gold rocking horses are pretty easy to find with a rifle scope I would imagine.

While Todd was texting me this weekend about how "Blue Ivy" is Lucifer's daughter's cousin's neighbor's favorite stripper's name backwards in Latin, other new parents in the hospital where Beyonce gave birth were pissed at her security. The New York Daily News reports:

Neil Coulon, 38, of Brooklyn said the stress of his wife delivering two premature girls was tripled by Beyoncé’s bodyguards treating Lenox Hill Hospital like an exclusive nightclub. Coulon griped that he’s been repeatedly barred from the sixth-floor neonatal intensive care unit, once for 20 minutes, by the superstar couple’s private security. He said bodyguards wearing headsets even cleared the sixth floor waiting room, booting his relatives out. “Three times they stopped me from entering or exiting the NICU (Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit) and it happened once on Friday — just because they wanted to use the hallway,” said Coulon, a contractor from Bedford-Stuyvesant. “They should have been more strategic about it,” he said. “These are children with problems in intensive care and you're just going to take over the hospital like you own it? All I want is an apology.” Lenox Hill staffers, speaking anonymously, told the Daily News that Beyoncé and Jay-Z paid $1.3 million to seal off and redecorate a wing at the upper East Side hospital, in a super-strict effort to protect their privacy. Beyoncé gave birth to her daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, Saturday night on the sixth floor, near the NICU, a hospital staffer told The News. “Some people were upset,” the staffer said. “I heard a gentleman say he couldn’t go upstairs to see his baby [Saturday]." Hospital spokeswoman Anne Silverman said she had not personally heard of the complaints. “We take patient satisfaction very seriously,” Silverman told The News. “This is the first time I’m hearing about it.”

I can't even begin to understand this guy's frustration, but when you take everything into consideration, the security measures were probably for the best for everyone. If rogue paparazzi or reporters weaseled their ways into the hospital there would've been a lot more stress on the other hospital patients. Especially the surrogate.

Following months of media speculation about whether or not she's actually pregnant, Beyonce is reported to be due any second. From Radar Online:

A pair of nurses at New York City's St. Luke's Roosevelt have told staffers to prepare for a "celebrity VIP" about to give birth there, and the word is, it's Beyonce Knowles. The buzz in the hospital is that 30-year-old Dreamgirls stunner, who's expecting her first child with husband Jay-Z, could deliver as early as Wednesday, MediaTakeOut.com reported. The facility's Labor And Delivery Suite has been reserved for the high-profile party, the website reported. (Alicia Keys in 2010 gave birth to son Egypt in the suite.) Beyonce said she'd be due to give birth around the end of the year on her new concert film DVD, Live at Roseland: Elements of 4.

Congrats, I guess. While I'm one of the people who believe Beyonce actually is pregnant, let's be real here. Based on her falsified songwriting credits alone, it would perfectly in character for someone else to pop out this kid and for Beyonce to take the credit for it.

Former member of Beyonce's Backup SingersDestiny's Child, Kelly Rowland, was photographed leaving the X Factor studios in London last night where I think she wanted us to notice something. If only I knew what it was! What could it be??!! TELL US KELLY!!!!!

Remember when Beyonce told everybody who was nominated for an award at the MTV VMAs to fuck off because it was her night by announcing she was pregnant with Jay-Z's baby on the red carpet? Then you remember how tabloids said it was the first child for both? A 9-year old boy in Trinidad who needs Spanx for his nose would like to have a word. Daily Mail reports:

The 41-year-old rapper, who has been married to the Crazy In Love singer for three years, allegedly has a secret son. The 99 Problems singer reportedly fathered a young boy nine years ago with Trinidad model Shenelle Scott (this chick), according to Star magazine. Jerard Andrews says his son Malik Sayeed was wrongly identified as the father, and DNA tests prove that Jay-Z is the boy's biological dad. 'At the time [he] was born, my son Malik thought he was his child, but they did DNA tests,' he told the publication. 'It’s been determined that [the child is] Jay-Z’s baby.' According to the magazine, friends urged Sayeed to get a paternity test after the baby's arrival because Scott had been seen around Jay-Z. 'Malik threw [Shenelle] a baby shower and bought all this stuff to prepare for the arrival,' a source told the magazine. 'However, after the baby was born, friends and family told him he needed to get a DNA test. 'Everyone knew she was sleeping around and sleeping with Jay,' the source added. 'There was a good chance it was his. 'Confirmation that Sayeed was not the father reportedly came two weeks later, when paternity test results allegedly determined the boy was Jay-Z's. 'Maybe two weeks later, he called me and said, "Daddy, I got some bad news. [He’s] not my son,"' Andrews told the publication. 'I said, ‘How do you know, Malik?’ He said, "He doesn’t look anything like me!" 'A source told the magazine that the child shares many of Jay-Z's features, and that the rap mogul is currently paying Scott child support. He is said to have even helped the new mother set up a home in Trinidad to raise the child. 'Shenelle told me that Jay-Z gave her $1 million to keep her mouth shut,' Jerald told Star.

So to recap, Jay-Z knocked up some model then gave her a $1M to pretend he didn't get her pregnant then she tricked some other dude into thinking he was the father. Sounds like a Tyler Perry movie. Anyway, I just hope Jay-Z and his son can reunite one day. Maybe Jay-Z can visit his school during Field Day. I'm sure winning the blue ribbon in the "Who Can Breathe The Most Air In This Room?" race would be a nice bonding experience.