Despite rumors during their relationship that Jay-Z slapped Beyonce around with his fists and Rihanna around with his cock, Jay-Z has apparently convinced Beyonce to marry him in New York state sometime within the next 60 days. Uh, congratulations? New York Daily News says:

They've been crazy in love for five years - and now it looks like Beyonce and Jay-Z are finally ready to tie the knot. The music superstars have taken out a marriage license in Westchester's Scarsdale Village, People.com reported Tuesday. The pair reportedly got the license yesterday morning, which means the earliest they could get hitched is Wednesday. Otherwise, it's good for 60 days anywhere in New York State."

Beyonce really isn't all that, but she looks like somebody genetically engineered Marisa Miller with a beam of God's love whenever she stands next to that visual dry heave Jay-Z. Beyonce also has her own money, so it's unclear why she's going through with this. Unless Jay-Z is some kind of reverse Fiona, I'm gonna guess ether.


Images via Beyonce fansites

If you ever wondered why your favorite Hollywood stars look so healthy even though they won't shut up about how much they love junk food and not working out? Well, now that biological marvel has been revealed in this article from The Daily Mail. Is it there rigorous fitness regimen? Is it there strong willpower? Um, no:

Adderall:
When Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of drink-driving, police said they found cocaine in her pocket. Paris Hilton recently admitted to U.S. talk show host Larry King that she takes Adderall for attention deficit disorder. Both drugs are often used by women looking to lose weight. Hollywood's party girls always seem to have access to certain drugs known to help shed pounds. At the moment, Adderall is the latest diet drug craze in Hollywood, and the number of celebrities addicted to it continues to rise.

Smoking:
Grey's Anatomy star Katherine Heigl looks to have lost a stone in the last year. She may be following a healthy eating plan, but she appears to have a secret weapon - she smokes constantly...Nowadays she is rarely photographed without a cigarette in her mouth, and when she isn't smoking, she is clutching a pack.

Fasting:
Paris Hilton caused a stir when she walked into New York restaurant Nobu recently. When a waiter asked the heiress for her order, he was quietly told: "Mineral water." In fact, over the course of her two-hour "meal", Paris took sips of water and Red Bull - she didn't eat a single bite...Then there's the master cleanse, otherwise known as the lemonade diet: water mixed with maple syrup, lemon juice and cayenne pepper. Beyonce admitted following it for two weeks to drop one-and-a-half stone for the film Dreamgirls, and Jared Leto used it to shed the two stone he'd gained to play Mark Chapman in the film Chapter 27.

Laxatives:
Today, many actresses are taking laxatives in the form of "dieter's tea", which has a mild laxative effect. Some starlets are drinking up to ten cups a day. Trainer Gelband says: "The latest trend among models is mixing laxative tea with the master cleanse diet. All they drink is master cleanse and laxative tea."

There's really no one mentioned in this article who I care if they live or die, so my empathy for all these idiots is like a ten year old girl at Neverland Ranch. It's not really being bothered.

Either she was hooked up to an air pump right before these pictures were taken or Fergie is pregnant. I'm not sure how they're able to do that on Fergie's home planet, but hey, congratulations.


Beyonce was nominated for several awards, and for good luck she rubbed the corpse of Yoko Ono, who now works as a doorman.


When asked who she was excited to see perform Amy Lee said, "Quiznos. You see, every sandwich is toasted and...um, uh...I meant to say Beyonce. Yeah, that's what I meant. Beyonce."


Carrie Underwood gets points for looking hot, but I don't think I understand the big ass vein on her head. Is she trying to read my mind? Levitate a car? Throw a bookcase? Somebody might want to investigate that.

Kelly Rowland (Destiny's Child) performed at a gay club in London a few nights ago, and as you can see the crowd was going wild. It was just one big party as they danced the night away to Rowland's songs. They also traded Yu-Gi-Oh! cards, discovered the South Beach Diet, and did other stuff that was big in 2004.

I have no idea why these pictures are making the rounds again today. They're about six months old and people are still saying there's a Beyonce Knowles nipple slip here. I didn't see it six months ago and I still don't see it today, but here they are for you to decide. If you squint your eyes enough you can make yourself believe you can see a nipple. But no matter how hard you squint, Jay-Z will not be a handsome man. The only thing that makes him remotely close to being attractive is closing your eyes completely, and even then, he's still painfully ugly.

Some people say that Beyonce is one of the greatest female performers ever, and let me tell you, this video makes it hard to argue. Especially the part when she goes wig first down the stairs but gets right back up and starts lip-syncing again. That really reminded me of a young Tina Turner.

From another angle:


More from the concert:


Update: Now Beyonce's daddy is trying to get this video taken off the Net.

All joking aside, Beyonce has a really pretty face. Too bad everything from the waist down looks like the bottom half of a dinosaur costume. Frankenstein's monster was made from the body parts of a couple of dead guys and even he didn't have to shop in two different departments to put together an outfit.

Beyonce is on a European tour right now, and here she is in France. Also pictured is whatever that is in his her panties. We've commented many times on how impressed we are that her wig/extensions manage to stay on so well with all that constant torture (I mean, she's gotta be bald underneath all that, right?), but that has nothing on her obvious tucking skills. Beyonce and Fergie must have graduated from the Ru Paul School of Tucking.