Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox celebrated their 1-year wedding anniversary this month, and as you can see, they look pretty happy. Happy in the fact that he gets to bang that every night and she gets to still play out her still unresolved daddy issues with the guy she fell in love with from the foldout in Tiger Beat. My seething hate for this dude is confusing me today because I have the same shirt and shoes. (*Taps index fingers together and spins around in desk chair*) Interesting. So, my mortal enemy and I have things in common. Maybe the universe wants me to see him as a reflection of myself and to learn that we are all just humans beings on this planet who want the same things out of life. Man, I really feel like I'm growing as a person.

On Tuesday, it was revealed that Shia LaBeouf hooked up (fucked) Megan Fox on the set of Transformers. Many people had strong reactions. Mostly that Shia was lying because Megan Fox was dating her future husband Brian Austin Green at the time. But it was all good, brah. They were on a break. Us Magazine reports:

"Yes, Megan and Shia hooked up," a set source confirms to Us Weekly. In his Details chat, LaBeouf, 25, sputtered when asked if Fox was then involved with her now-husband Brian Austin Green during their tryst (he repeated "I don't know" 12 times). But the kissing costars are in the clear, the source says. "It was when Megan and Brian broke up," the source explains. "They had a 10-month break before getting back together." (Indeed, Fox and Green, 36, did have a break of nearly a year before reuniting and eventually tying the knot in June 2010.) "[Shia and Megan] bonded while filming," the source explains of the epic shoot, which was worsened by director Michael Bay's rumored temper. "Believe me, that was an unhappy set. I think they were drawn together because it was so ugly working on that film."

I assume by "break" she means she was blowing Shia in his trailer and Brian Austin Green was at home crying into her panties then masturbating to be able to fall asleep. Then he might have kneeled in his front yard and cursed God. Then tortured a neighborhood animal. Then asked an old lady what she was looking at and to mind her own business. Then threw an empty bottle of scotch toward a mom in a minivan. Then screamed at a little girl riding by on a tricycle that she would grow up to be a whore because all women are whores especially Megan because he bets she's naked right now because that's what whores do because they're whores and they can't help themselves. Or something like that. I'm not familiar with the process really.

Stills from Megan Fox's new ad for Armani hit online today, and just wondering, does anybody know how much a sentient cyborg werewolf who hunts wiggers costs? Why? Oh, it's not for me. It's for a friend.

Maybe Westboro Bapist Church will protest it:

The happiest penis on Earth went to the happiest place on Earth for Thanksgiving and managed to take a picture which perfectly captured my sadness and clinical depression. Fine, be happy! See if I care!

As these pictures suggest, Megan Fox is enjoying newlywed life in Hawaii. It's time like this that we should all value this level of commitment and the bond of true love. Maybe one day I can pull Brian Austen Green aside and talk to him about this. I may also bring my Kershaw Outcast Ken Onion Designed Fixed Blade Knife and remind him that the aorta runs the entire length of the torso. You know, if that happens to come up in the conversation. Which it will. DIE! DIE! DIE!

I didn't even get an invitation. It probably got lost in the mail.

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green were married at a small, intimate ceremony at the Four Seasons Resort on the Big Island of Hawaii, TMZ has learned. The couple tied the knot late last week. The pair met on the set of "Hope & Faith" back in 2004 and have been dating on and off ever since. It's the first marriage for both, though Green has an eight-year-old son with actress Vanessa Marcil.

Let me be the first to thank Brian on his comparison shopping skills. I always heard Hawaii was really expensive, but apparently ether is pretty cheap there.

Normally if I saw Brian Austin Green, I would give him a hammer strike to the temple and while he was flopping around on the ground like Hellen Keller at dinner time, I would nonchalantly take out my my serrated, open-assist Kershaw and ask him if he knew that the aorta runs the entire length of the torso. Then I realized that in between wrapping her legs around his head and using her as a feedbag, he has to listen to her talk all day. She rambles asinine nonsense in interviews, so God knows what comes out of her mouth when nobody is their to put in print. If I had to guess, she's talking about how Bigfoot was responsible for the WTC bombings or how she wants to make her cat a licensed Tarot card reader.

Megan Fox has finally admitted that she is back with Brian Austin Green, and that they are engaged. She also goes on to say that she'll never get married. Extra reports:

"I'm not going to be married -- I'm not the marrying type," Fox admits to "Extra" on the set of her new film, adding, "and I know what your next question is going to be -- you're going to ask me, 'Why are you engaged if you're not the marrying type?'" The sexy "Transformers" star explains, "I am impulsive and I love my boyfriend, but I have no plans of getting married any time soon."

Christ, why does Brian Austin Green put up with this crap? Oh, I know. It's because hot chicks can get away with anything. Megan Fox could hit me with her car and I'd apologize and ask if I could give her a back massage to calm her nerves.