Normally if I saw Brian Austin Green, I would give him a hammer strike to the temple and while he was flopping around on the ground like Hellen Keller at dinner time, I would nonchalantly take out my my serrated, open-assist Kershaw and ask him if he knew that aorta runs the entire length of the torso. Then I realized that in between wrapping her legs around his head and using her as a feedbag, he has to listen to her talk all day. She rambles asinine nonsense in interviews, so God knows what comes out of her mouth when nobody is their to put in print. If I had to guess, she's talking about how Bigfoot was responsible for the WTC bombings or how she wants to make her cat a licensed Tarot card reader.

Megan Fox has finally admitted that she is back with Brian Austin Green, and that they are engaged. She also goes on to say that she'll never get married. Extra reports:

"I'm not going to be married -- I'm not the marrying type," Fox admits to "Extra" on the set of her new film, adding, "and I know what your next question is going to be -- you're going to ask me, 'Why are you engaged if you're not the marrying type?'" The sexy "Transformers" star explains, "I am impulsive and I love my boyfriend, but I have no plans of getting married any time soon."

Christ, why does Brian Austin Green put up with this crap? Oh, I know. It's because hot chicks can get away with anything. Megan Fox could hit me with her car and I'd apologize and ask if I could give her a back massage to calm her nerves.

I'm not gonna lie, Megan Fox used up some of her good will by telling us that she had broken up with Brian Austen Green when really they were either faking it to divert attention or quickly repaired their relationship, after spilling a few days worth of gossip ink on the subject.

What Megan Fox seems not to realize is as long as she stays hot, people will hound her regardless of who she is dating. Like these shots of her getting coffee yesterday [ED: Dave, you are an idiot, these are from last week] that quickly became a race for the best shot of her rack.

So, in case you haven't heard, Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green reportedly faked their breakup to get publicity because Megan Fox heard her photos weren't selling anymore. Awesome. I just opened a pint of ice cream and put on some Sarah McLachan, so I'll be okay, but here's the Jezebel meeting with a director yesterday. I really wish I could stay mad, but just look at her, man. These pictures could be of her stabbing a homeless man or wearing a necklace of baby fetuses, and it would only just add a few seconds to my finish time.

You might want to look up. The heavens just parted. Us Magazine reports:

Megan Fox and fiance Brian Austin Green have split, Usmagazine.com has learned."The relationship had run its course," an insider tells Us exclusively. "It's completely amicable, and they are remaining friends." Fox, 22 (who’ll reprise her role as Mikaela in this June’s sequel Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen), and Green, 35 (a regular on Fox's Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles), now “are both focusing on their careers," the source adds.

I really hope this insider read this from a great scroll after being flown atop a castle rooftop by a great winged steed. And while he read it, the people below cheered and exchanged precious gifts and things as fireworks lit up the sky promising a new day, because let's face it, this is the best news I've heard all day.

I like the last one:

I mean, Megan Fox realizes she's Megan Fox, right? If she does, then why were these pictures of her and Brian Austen Green taken yesterday? Unless he's some kind of mystical warlock, there's no way in hell he should be licking on this. He's the dancing wigger from 90210, man. At best, he should be on television in a gorilla costume, standing next to a giant inflatable Uncle Sam telling me how I could get 0% financing on this new Ford F-150. He'll even take my trade no matter how much I owe!

A lot of other people were at the GQ Men of the Year Awards last night, but my beloved Megan Fox was there, so I can't exactly recall who they were. Mostly because Megan Fox is, without question, the hottest piece of ass on Earth. In fact, I'm not even sure why she was invited if they had planned on inviting other people. It's just not fair. Asking Megan Fox to walk down your red carpet, is like picking Superman for your kickball team. Things are gonna start getting ugly real quick.

I wondered why the sun winked and gave me a thumbs up this morning, Megan Fox has finally dumped Brian Austin Green. Contact Music says:

Sources claim the pretty brunette, 22, sent business associates correspondence last week alerting them to the sad news. An insider says, "Megan still cares about Brian, but she now realises she's too young to marry him."

I don't know who this source is, but I really hope he read this atop a golden bridge over a waterfall from a great scroll delivered to him by doves. And the doves had velvet ribbons tied their feet and the handles of the scrolls were encrusted with rubies and diamonds. And when he read from the scroll a beam of light from heaven shown down an angel playing a majestic harp so that he may share in the joyous news with all the nations. And when he finished playing, all the people of of earth enjoyed a great feast and celebration, because all had been made right with the world.

Megan and Brian last month: