Always known for her logic and reason and her ability to make great life choices, Britney Spears is marrying her agent, Jason Trawick. Star Magazine reports:

After more than three years of casual hookups, Brit and Jason took their relationship to the next level while they were on vacation in the Bahamas last month. That's when Brit and Jason shared a special night together during which Jason popped the question! "He didn't exactly get down on one knee, but Brit didn’t care. She said yes, and they opened a bottle of champagne to celebrate,” says an insider. “Jason held Britney for a long time and kissed her cheeks. They talked about their future for hours and didn’t go to sleep until after 3 a.m.! They just wanted to be alone together." Britney is already thinking about a December wedding — after her Circus world tour wraps this fall — and wants her big day to far outclass her previous ceremonies.

Wow, what a lucky guy. He must be on top of the world right now. Especially since he's about to marry a dumpy single mother of two with a meth addiction and a court order that regulates her crazy. This is quite unlike when somebody decides to marry me. I hate to brag, but when they say yes, God throws a ceremony like they did at the end of Star Wars so the girl can get a medal for "Best Achievement in Decision Making". Congratulations, my dear! You're the big winner!!!

In the new book, Britney: Inside The Dream, author Steve Dennis says Britney shaved her hair off in 2007 to spite her mother and management, who forced Britney into a terrible life of international stardom and untold riches. Awww, poor Britney :( The Sun reports:

"The head-shaving had little do with self-loathing, more a loathing against the public persona that had defined her until then. "What few people knew was that Britney was rowing with her mum, LYNNE, who seemed to be incessantly reminding her of her motherly duties and responsibilities. "What made Britney most irate was that her mama kept mentioning how her ex Kevin wasn't forever on the town. This was all being viewed as controlling behaviour. "The head-shaving moment was the culmination of an escalating rebellion, heightened by heartbreak over her divorce and custody battle, that can be traced back to 2004 when Britney decided she no longer wished to conform, be controlled or take instruction." Steve adds: "What better way to rid herself of the performer's identity than by losing the very hair she famous for - sabotaging the act to free the person?"

I realize all of this is supposed to make me feel bad for Britney Spears, but sorry, it's not. Instead of being home with her kids, she was high on meth and diet pills and getting hit with paparazzi penis like a Whac-A-Mole. The bitch was crazy. In 2007 you didn't know what the hell Britney was gonna do next. Everyday, I was fulling expecting to see pictures of Britney huffing from a gas pump or painting a tunnel on the side of a mountain to catch Roadrunner.

Britney was in California yesterday on the set of her video of a song I'll never listen to, and of course she's standing in front of a riding lawnmower and not wearing a bra. No other pictures have been released yet, but you can go ahead and assume they'll include jugs with X's on them and a bear in overalls playing the banjo.

It really is hard to believe that Britney Spears has achieved fame and fortune despite being a complete hillbilly retard. Case in point:

BRITNEY Spears has cleaned up her act -- but she's still kind of a mess. The pop tart took time off from her "Circus" tour to do an Elle magazine shoot, our spy says, and it was a disaster. "They dressed her in all these beautiful couture clothes -- and, well, let's just say she forgot what time of the month it was. It wasn't pretty."

So, in case you missed that, Britney Spears forgot she was in the middle of having her period. Jesus. Really, Britney? Really? I don't have a vagina, but if I did, I'm pretty I'd know if it was bleeding. Oh, and I'd also dress it up with a pink lacy thong. With rainbows or gumdrops on it! OMG gumdrops are so cute!!

Glamorous:

Oftentimes when I retire to my study with a snifter of brandy and my thoughts, I read emails from our dear readers informing me that I have made a grave mistake in judging Britney Spears' appearance. "Todd," they say, "sure she may have dueling banjo eyes, but have you no compassion?" I sigh, for what they say is true, then I walk over to my roaring hearth and rest my elbow on the mantle as I take off my glasses dramatically. Could I have been wrong? Do I not know the face of true beauty? Will my heart ever find love again? Pardon me, my friends, while I open a great book and point to a page and nod. Pardon me while I skip rocks on a lake. I must take your leave, because it's obvious I have some tough questions to answer.

Who in the hell knows why anybody would, but a Connecticut man was arrested after he jumped on stage and ran towards Britney Spears during her concert at Mohegan Sun Arena last night. Parents listed cause of death: embarrassment. TMZ reports:

Connecticut State Police say they arrested 20-year-old Kyle King -- who they say had definitely been drinking -- after he charged on stage during Britney's encore performance of "Womanizer." Security was able to stop King before he could come in contact with Spears -- and he was arrested for breach of peace. The CSP says after King was taken into custody, he was being highly uncooperative -- so they also booked him for interfering with police.

Oh, please. This fairy wasn't trying to hurt Britney. He ran up on stage like a four year old girl with a bee in her hair. Then he started dancing. So, let's not pretend her life was in danger. At worst, Britney was gonna get the perfect recipe for a Cosmopolitan or a CD of a German DJ's dance remixes of Mariah Carey and Kelly Clarkson songs.

We can all just go ahead and agree that Britney Spears is a functioning retard, so of course, even with a Spartan army of handlers backstage, her tampon string was hanging out at her show in Anaheim last week. She's been on tour for less than two months and she's already done this, this, and this. Boy, I can't well until next week when she skins a possum and washes her clothes by a creek or whatever the hell else hillbillies do. I swear, if success was based on actual talent, this daffy bitch would be on the back of a flatbed truck with a microphone taped to a broom handle and a bear in overalls and a straw hat blowing into a jug with X's on it.

What with all wheezing and trans fat stuffed into fishnets, it's hard to imagine Britney Spears' Circus tour getting any sexier. But that all changed last night in Oakland, my friends. Just fast forward to the :16 mark. But prepare yourself. You're about to be swept away in a tide of lust and desire.