Despite months of wild and sexy(?) rumors about Britney Spears' video cameo in Madonna's Sticky and Sweet Tour, the tour kicked off Saturday night in Cardiff, Wales. Britney had a video cameo. Turn the volume up. It might be hard to hear over the yawns and bored indifference. Us Magazine reports:

In the segment (which played while Madonna sang "Human Nature"), Spears is trapped in an elevator and whispers the lines "express yourself, don't repress yourself." The video ends with her saying, "It's Britney, bitch."

So, to recap, we went from Britney Spears and Madonna dancing topless on stage to Britney's fat ass being trapped in an elevator. I don't want to tell Madonna how to do her job, but if she wants to create a fantasy, she might want to scratch off shit that could happen in real life. Maybe next time she can have Britney Spears knit a sweater or watch something cook in the microwave. You know, to fully drive the point home that I'd need a time machine to remember a time when these two were controversial.

Madonna performing in Cardiff, Wales this weekend:

For weeks we've been told that Britney Spears has a new body, and now OK! Magazine wants you to know that Britney got her "newly toned and tanned figure" the way any schizophrenic, meth freak with no self-control did - by a structured regimen of diet and exercise. Of course!

In an exclusive photoshoot in the new issue of OK!, the singer reveals how she successfully regained her lean physique and how she's committed to being a healthy role model to her two young boys. "I'm the healthiest I've been all my life," Britney, 26, tells OK!. "My diet has a lot to do with my getting into shape. I have no sugar. I don't eat fruit or even fruit juice because of the sugar. I eat chicken and salmon and rice. I eat avocados. I'll have egg whites for breakfast and sometimes turkey burgers for lunch. I try to do just 1,200 calories a day. It may sound like it's not much, but it's actually a lot of food if you eat the right things."

That's right. Healthy food choices make all the difference. Healthy food choices like this. Or this. I don't want to get ahead of myself here, but I think it's safe to say that the only way Britney Spears could lose 12 pounds in 30 days is if a bear bit off her leg.

Britney leaving a recording studio last night:


Photos: Splash

In a new interview with OK! magazine Britney Spears tries to make us feel sorry for her because she was handed everything and pissed it all away on drugs, food, and dick. And although all of that is some pretty funny stuff, nothing really comes to close to these pictures they used for the photoshoot. Seriously, Britney? Tan lines? Cheetos? Sunkist? Jesus. Why not just put a hay straw Sean Preston's mouth and have him play a washboard. Or have Jayden James put a frog in his overalls. I swear, the only way these pictures could be any more white trash is if a parking spot in front of her house was reserved for "Dale Jr. Fans Only."

Britney out paparazzi attention whoring on Robertson Blvd. a few days ago:


Photo credit: OK! Magazine

The 2008 MTV VMAs are next month and I guess these promos starring British comedian Russell Brand and Britney Spears are supposed to get you excited. Let's hope so, because I can only imagine the amount of sandpaper and high-powered nozzles it took to make Britney looks somewhat decent in these. It's almost like they're trying to make you forget what happened the last time Britney Spears was on the VMAs. Boy, that has to be an elephant in the room. Oh, wait! I see it! It's an actual elephant! Oh, MTV, you're so clever!

It's Britney bitch:

Telegraph UK is reporting that Quentin Tarantino wants Britney Spears to play the lead role in his upcoming adaptation of the 1965 cult film, Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!. Yeah. Too bad Tarantino is actually working on this movie and is currently negotiating with Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio for the lead roles.

The movie sees three thrill-seeking strippers encountering a young couple in the desert. Spears' character murders the boyfriend with her bare hands before taking the girlfriend hostage. The troubled singer will also have sex scenes with another girl before the drama ends in a blood-bath. A source said: "Quentin is convinced Britney will be brilliant. She's delighted. She thinks it could turn her career around. "It is perfect Tarantino material. He wanted to get Britney first. She's playing the most important character."

This can only kinda pass for sort of a maybe because Tarantino is known for hiring has-beens, but unless the thrill these thrill-seeking strippers are looking for doesn't involve trans fat, Britney might not be the most convincing casting choice one could make.

Tera Patrick, who is being rumored to play a killer lesbian stripper in Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!. Boobz:

A judge ruled yesterday that Jamie Spears will retain his role of conservator of his daughter's affairs until December 31st. Serving in this capacity since February 1st, Jamie has sole, legal authority over everything involving Britney Spears. A source tells People:

The extension of the conservatorship was at the request and suggestion of Britney's doctors," says a source close to the singer. "They've indicated she's made great improvement, but it's a work in progress. Jamie Spears doesn't want the conservatorship to last a day longer than the doctors recommend."

The request to extend this thing came at the request of Britney's doctors, not Britney or her father, so basically the bitch is still crazy. The only reason she seemingly looks like she's getting better is because every aspect of her life is being controlled by somebody other than her. So, to recap, conservatorship = Britney not flashing her vagina while letting her kids roll her cigarettes as they play in a lion cage. No conservatorship = Britney very much flashing her vagina while letting her kids roll her cigarettes as they play in a lion cage.

Britney shopping before her Mexico trip:

While Britney was in Mexico celebrating not having her kids anymore, sources have revealed that she was also there to spend time with her bodyguard and new boyfriend, Lee, a former Israeli soldier. The Sun reports:

Lee has been spending his days off by her side and has even started sleeping under the same roof at her Los Angeles home. A source said: "Britney and Lee hit it off immediately. He is her perfect type. She loves guys who work out and he is in great shape from his days serving in the Israeli Army. He also has a few tattoos, which she loves. They've spent so much time together that one thing led to another and their relationship became physical. They are in Mexico together. They've been having a great time - Lee's put a smile on her face."

This makes the fourth person that has worked for Britney who has ended up dating her, so this guy probably had to like his chances. Especially since Britney is a retard. She'll believe anything. He probably got into her pants by telling her he was Abraham Lincoln or Brad Pitt. When Britney Spears finally loses everything she has, and she will, don't be too quick to rule out "magic beans."

More of Britney in Los Cabos, Mexico:


Photos: Splash

While taking time off from whatever the hell he does during the day, Kevin Federline attended Ryan Sheckler's X Games Celebrity Skins Classic in L.A. yesterday where he was asked a simple question. Do I want to punch him? Yes, yes I do. People reports:

Asked how he is doing these days, the single dad told PEOPLE: "Been having a good summer, I can't complain."

It would be hard to complain when you get $20,000 a month for not pulling out of Britney Spears twice. However, it is quite easy to complain when you find out that, Tatiana, the Russian mail order bride you bought, has TMJ. Honestly, Tatiana, I just don't know what you bring to this relationship.