Britney Spears' tour hit two hours from me in Greensboro, NC this weekend, and the highlight of the night is when Britney swallowed a whole chickenunveiled her cover version of Alanis Morissette's You Oughta Know. This is supposed to be live, but whatever. It's Britney Spears. I'd rather hear a bag of kittens being set on fire.

There must be some kind of Future Meth Lab Operator (FMLO) convention going on in Miami right now, because 'dem Duke boys the Spears' sisters are hanging out by the pool with their three kids. I was going to post these yesterday, but I really didn't feel like remembering these kids' names, and I still don't, so I just gave up and posted them anyway. Whatever, I guess the point of these pictures is that Britney and Jamie Lynn are in bikinis. Just like that girl hippo in Madagascar.

Get ready for another visual dry heave today as Britney Spears is now on Day 3 of her bikini assault at the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Marina Del Rey. Awesome. I'm not even halfway joking when I say I would rather fuck a stack of firewood.

UPDATE: A lot of prisons must have just got internet, because I've gotten about a 100 emails saying that I must be a homo because I wouldn't stick my dick in this. I also wouldn't stick my dick in a beehive or molten lava, so feel free to draw your own conclusions from that as well.

I used to have a thing for former meth freak engaged(?) moms, but Britney in a bikini in Marina Del Rey isn't really doing much to rekindle that fire.

Despite having millions of dollars and a Spartan army of stylists at her disposal, Britney Spears has absolutely no idea how to dress herself. With her floppy ass tits and rat's nest weave, I guess she really has no other choice. I mean, what is else is she gonna wear? Couture probably isn't the best thing to wear when you're in line at the drive-thru to get a fourthmeal or buying makeup at Wal-Mart.

Far be it from me to give Britney Spears credit for anything, but she posed for a photoshoot in LA yesterday, and wow, she looked the best she's looked in years. Oh, I'm not saying I'd fuck her or anything. I'm not like that. I need a strong emotional connection and deep, meaningful communication that builds trust and respect over time. My God, what am I to you?! Just a piece of meat?!

So, you know how Britney Spears is supposed to be dating and engaged to her agent? Yeah, somebody should probably tell her that. Page Six reports:

BRITNEY Spears (above) is supposedly dating her agent, Jason Trawick -- so what is she doing spending so much alone time with record producer Dallas Austin? A source tells us Spears and Austin spent some time together "two weeks ago at Dallas' house" in Atlanta, where, "It was just the two of them for a few nights." Another source told us that while they were there, the power duo "discussed music, life, and work." A rep for Austin denies the two are dating: "They are good friends and have been for a long time."

Since Britney Spears is known for her strong will power and ability to use reason and discernment in any situation she finds herself in, this story is really hard to believe. Not that I really care right now because the fire alarms have been going off in my building for the past 45 minutes now. Thanks for testing for so damn long Mr. Fire Marshall. I don't know if you picked up on this or not, but the alarms work. Next time maybe you can tape firecrackers to my ears or launch a space shuttle over my bed.

Always known for her logic and reason and her ability to make great life choices, Britney Spears is marrying her agent, Jason Trawick. Star Magazine reports:

After more than three years of casual hookups, Brit and Jason took their relationship to the next level while they were on vacation in the Bahamas last month. That's when Brit and Jason shared a special night together during which Jason popped the question! "He didn't exactly get down on one knee, but Brit didn’t care. She said yes, and they opened a bottle of champagne to celebrate,” says an insider. “Jason held Britney for a long time and kissed her cheeks. They talked about their future for hours and didn’t go to sleep until after 3 a.m.! They just wanted to be alone together." Britney is already thinking about a December wedding — after her Circus world tour wraps this fall — and wants her big day to far outclass her previous ceremonies.

Wow, what a lucky guy. He must be on top of the world right now. Especially since he's about to marry a dumpy single mother of two with a meth addiction and a court order that regulates her crazy. This is quite unlike when somebody decides to marry me. I hate to brag, but when they say yes, God throws a ceremony like they did at the end of Star Wars so the girl can get a medal for "Best Achievement in Decision Making". Congratulations, my dear! You're the big winner!!!