Dear Santa: You Still Suck. (Four Christmases) [Pajiba]
Joaquin Phoenix is MC Bye Good [Lainey Gossip]
Dax Shepard is a dick [Dlisted]
Lindsay Lohan hardcore lesbian legging [Hollywood Tuna]
A-Rod goes to Madonna's concert [Popsugar]
Paris Hilton has enormous dogs [City Rag]
Courtney Love admits she did drugs while she was pregnant [Hollywood Rag]
Abigail Clancy does FHM [Drunken Stepfather]
Shenae Grimes has a Starbucks photo-op [Just Jared]
Anna Friel upskirt (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie]
Helen Tucker does Maxim UK [Popoholic]
Beyonce and her blonde wig get Photoshopped again [Egotastic]

Video above: Sycophancy.

Britney Spears made her much-hyped appearance on the British hit, X-factor, this weekend, and who wants to take a guess how it turned out? Here's a hint: Britney Spears. The Sun reports:

"When Britney, 26, performed her single Womanizer on the live talent contest, she MIMED...badly. And she also SNUBBED contestants — by rehearsing in private and later revealing she hadn’t even watched them sing her hits. Finally, she SCARPERED minutes after Saturday’s show and went to London’s G.A.Y. club. Britney — in a Rolling Stones T-shirt — failed to sing even though 1,500 fans chanted her name and gave her a cake for her birthday on Tuesday. But behind the scenes, her comeback album’s title Circus looked particularly appropriate. Special guest Britney refused to use a Winnebago motorhome at the studios in North West London, like other stars. She was given Cowell’s green room as a dressing room. After Saturday’s first show, her minders even sealed off the corridor outside. An insider said: “You have never seen so many heavies. “Even around the judges’ dressing rooms was sealed off by Britney’s security people. When the judges went to meet her, her security wouldn’t let anyone past.” When they finally met, Cowell asked the troubled star if she had seen the five acts perform her songs. Britney replied: “No”. The insider said: “Everyone was stunned she admitted that she hadn’t watched the show. There’s a TV in the dressing room. “Simon tried to have a conversation, but Britney was pretty vacant. In the end he just walked off.”

Please, can't we just agree to stop with all this? Britney isn't back, Britney isn't on her way back, and Britney will never be back. Her career is a Wal-Mart employee working on Black Friday. There are only so many times you can try to resuscitate it before you realize that everybody is already shopping for something else.

Britney performing at the Bambi Awards in Germany, Nov. 27:

Britney Spears' body has been transformed in the last few months, and according to The Daily Mail, it all has to do with Britney's much-hyped appearance on the British mega-hit, X Factor, this weekend. Tell us, what is Britney's secret!

"Friends of the star claim she is going to extreme measures to look in top shape for her first performance on British TV screens in five years....A source said: 'She goes to bed hungry and is dieting so hard she's suffering from insomnia, anxiety, flushes and shakes. 'Her father and the people around her are trying to get her to eat more, but Britney is determined not to be criticised for having any extra bulk.'"

Britney is a lunatic with an extreme personality, so of course proper diet and exercise wouldn't be the first thing that popped into her mind when she thought about losing weight. It was probably trying to find a carnival gypsy to curse her, but I guess she settled on starving herself. No need to worry, though. Either she gets super skinny or one of her walking hallucinations convinces her that a chainsaw is a microphone. It's a win-win, man. A win-win.

Starbucks is apparently still okay:

Remember the stories your grandfather told you about how it used to be an honor to be on the cover of Rolling Stone? While you're doing that, take a look at the cover of the December 2008 issue. I guess it's okay since Rolling Stone and Britney Spears have nothing to do with music anymore. But am I really expected to believe "Britney Returns?" From where? Last time I checked she was still insane and only able to function because a judge ruled that she shouldn't even be allowed to control a joystick. If it wasn't for her dad, the only place Britney would be returning from is Taco Bell or electroshock therapy.

Britney Spears' fans have been feeling vindicated recently because they can look people in the eye now when they tell them that they're Britney Spears fans, but that's all gonna change when a new documentary, Britney: For The Record, airs on December 1st. I don't want to give it away, but Britney says her new "healthy" life is a manufactured lie and she can't wait to break free. Oops, sorry! The Sun reports:

"In a new fly-on-the-wall documentary she tearfully admits: “There’s no excitement, there’s no passion...."I have really good days, and then I have bad days. Even when you go to jail you know there’s the time when you’re gonna get out. But in this situation, it's never ending. It's just like Groundhog Day every day. I think it's too in control. If I wasn't under the restraints I'm under, I'd feel so liberated. When I tell them the way I feel, it's like they hear but they're really not listening. If you do something wrong in your work, you can move on, but I’m having to pay for a long time. I never wanted to become one of those prisoner people. I always wanted to feel free."

Please keep in mind that before a court assigned a team to watch Britney's every move, she was talking in a British accent, attacking cars with umbrellas, and holding her kid hostage. Let's not pretend that if Britney is left to her own devices that she's gonna enroll for online classes or join a book club. In a more realistic scenario, Britney, convinced she's a werewolf, will be tasered after the police had to chase her around a park where she was running around naked wearing nothing but an army helmet and a life jacket.

Britney at Sur restaurant last night:

The first promo pictures for Britney Spears' new album, Circus, are out today, and I wonder how much it cost Britney's record label to resurrect Michelangelo to airbrush these pictures, because, um, wow. The only way these pictures could look less realistic is if Britney was riding a cyborg dinosaur.

Britney Spears' son, Jayden James, was released from the hospital last night more than 24 hours after he was found "vague and unresponsive" at her parent's home in Louisiana. People reports:

"A source close to the Spears family has told us that Britney and family have left the Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Center," says the update. "Jayden is fine. "Spears was photographed outside the facility Monday evening, cradling her youngest son as they entered a waiting SUV. A source tells PEOPLE the boy was hospitalized overnight after suffering a "terrible allergic reaction" to something he ingested."

So, "something he ingested," huh? That sounds about right. That's what happens when you don't watch a 2 year old. I figured it would be something like this. It was either gonna be poison or Jayden fell when he was crawling across the beams of a skyscraper.


Photos: Splash

Britney Spears was allowed to take her children out of state for the first time this weekend, and according to reports, Jayden James had a wonderful time. You know, except for the part when he had a seizure and became unresponsive. Good times, man. Good times! The Sun UK reports:

"Jayden James was taken to an emergency ward after lapsing into a "vague and unresponsive" state during a long-awaited family trip to the singer's hometown of Kentwood in Louisiana. The entire Spears clan made the 25-mile dash to Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Centre, Mississippi, including sister Jamie Lynn. Doctors were unable to pinpoint the problem straight away and kept the toddler in for overnight observation. Distraught Britney, 26, refused to leave his side and asked for a bed next to him in the ward. Ex-husband Kevin Federline is now believed to be making plans to jet out and also be by Jayden's bedside. Sources say chaos erupted when the toddler suffered a suspected seizure out of the blue, at about 3pm on Sunday. One said: "One minute Britney and her sons were relaxing and enjoying their first visit to Kentwood in months, and the next minute Jayden had fallen ill. "He was vague and unresponsive so Britney dialled an ambulance. "But she was told it would take half an hour to arrive, and she was best trying to get Jayden to the hospital herself. Another added: "They tore off so fast it was incredible."

I really don't know what anybody was expecting when they let Britney takes her kids on a trip, but I hope this settles it. Britney Spears shouldn't be left around a Baby Alive doll, much less a real kid. I guess having a seizure really wasn't all that bad. It's Britney, so I was kinda expecting his car seat strapped to a rocket.

Update: Britney's PR people are emailing everyone denying there was a seizure and are claiming he had an allergic reaction to something he ate, but they don't know what he ate. Jayden might be released from the hospital tomorrow.

Britney arriving in Louisiana: