Jason Trawick, Britney Spears' agent-boyfriend-fiance, has been largely credited with helping Britney salvage her career(?) and repair her public persona by keeping her locked in a cage and only letting her out to go to Starbucks and the beach. Tabloids told us that it was his love and trust that calmed Britney down and made her more responsible. I wonder which fist "love" is tattooed on? Probably the right.
Star Magazine reports:

In our Dec. 13 issue, on sale today, Britney's former husband Jason Alexander tells Star that the pop princess confided to him that Trawick beat her — on multiple occasions. "Britney is in an abusive relationship," the entertainer's first husband says in a detailed interview with Star. "She told me her life had turned into a nightmare." Childhood friends Britney and Alexander stayed in touch after their 55-hour marriage was annulled in 2004. But their casual texts, phone calls and emails took a dark turn when she recently confided that Trawick "hit her so hard it gave her a black eye," Alexander says. And the abuse wasn't a solitary incident, Alexander tells Star in our issue. Nor was it the only jaw-dropping secret the megastar told her ex! She also revealed that she had been pregnant with Trawick’s child earlier this year, Alexander says. Alexander says he's telling this story because he's "really concerned" for Britney who he feels is “telling me these secrets as a way of getting out of this.

Where I can see how park rangers would punch Britney in the face to keep her from pilfering food from campsites, this may be the only time in the history of IDLYITW that I feel sorry for Britney. If this is true, of course. Because the voice on the phone call doesn't really even sound like Britney, mostly because the audio recording is filled with phrases and words combined to make complete sentences. And there's no mention of a honey baked ham or a chocolate dipping sauce at all. Or a rollback sale. Or mason jar. Quite frankly, star really needs to do a better job of selling this whole thing to me.

"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice." - Jason Trawick (allegedly)

This really isn't good for business. Why do people have to be so selfish?! Us Magazine reports:

Things are anything but toxic between Britney Spears' divorced mom and dad. Eight years after their bitter split, Lynne and Jamie Spears are now back together, a source close to the couple confirms to UsMagazine.com. GossipCop.com first reported the reconciliation, noting the duo have been reconciled since last summer and were spotted being openly affectionate Saturday at L.A. club Boudoir. Lynne, now 55, wed Jamie, now 58, in 1975, and they have three kids together: son Bryan, 33, and daughters Britney, 28 and Jamie Lynn, 19. They're also grandparents to Britney's two sons (Sean, 5, and Jayden, 4) and Jamie-Lynn's daughter Maddie, 2. Why the rekindled romance? "There is still love there," another insider explains to Us. "It happened slowly, but they've been through so much." Their most famous daughter Britney famously suffered emotional breakdowns in 2007 and 2008, but has since recovered. Her father is still her legal conservator. "It makes sense to get back together," the insider says of the reunited couple. "That bond is strong now."

If you had a choice between The Spears' and a reanimated Michael Jackson to raise some kids, I could see how you might take pause. Because one daughter got knocked up at 15 and the other is an unhinged sociopath who needs court-ordered supervision to go to Starbucks. Unless these two getting back together means they want a tax deduction on their new brick underpinning, I really don't see what good this is gonna do.

Fernando Fores, Britney Spears' former bodyguard who accused her of having sex in front of her kids and sexually harassing him, is still attempting to sue her in civil court. But "the people in charge of Britney Spears" are basically begging the judge to move the case to probate court because they feel Flores is attempting to extort money from Spears. And by "extort money" they mean "OMG, he can say more shit!". TMZ reports:

It all has to do with a lawsuit filed by Fernando Flores, a former bodyguard who claims the pop star sexually harassed him by, among other things, walking around her home in the nude. Flores wants the case tried in civil court -- but Britney's conservators are concerned that Flores will use the public forum to release private information to extort a settlement out of Britney. In new legal docs filed in L.A. County Superior Court, Team Britney begs the judge to move the case to a probate court, where all of the accusations could be kept from the public ... and protect her from a "shake down." The conservators also believe, "There is a real possibility that Ms. Spears will be exposed to danger by the release of confidential and personal information." A hearing on the matter is scheduled for the end of the month.

I mean, do we really even need to care at this point? It's Britney Spears. She could bedazzle the skins of possums or surprise her kids with a pet piranha at bath time and it would be fully expected. The only way Britney Spears could be remotely shocking is if this guy has a picture of her brushing her hair.

Play us off, Bob Seger:

So here's Britney Spears showing off her completely untouched beauty that's not been filtered through soft lighting developed by reverse engineered alien technology in any way. Because of course you can have two kids and down a trough of frappucinos and whip cream every day and still look like this. Britney is practically perfect in every way, so I guess that's why she's dressed up like Madonna. But correct me if I'm wrong, but Madonna didn't have anal leakage from Olestra, right? I'm pretty sure it was something else.

I realize you might find this hard to believe, but Britney Spears is a spoiled child with no moral compass and completely inept at life. RadarOnline reports:

A former bodyguard for Britney Spears is charging that she hit her children, had sex in front of them and made them eat until they vomited...Flores also contends that Britney sexually harassed him, creating situations where Flores saw her naked or partially exposed. At a hotel in California, “Plaintiff perceived, during security checks of the perimeter, Defendant loudly having sexual relations while her two children were in the suite with her,” Flores is set to charge in the suit. He also claims that Britney sent him on errands twice and when he returned her saw her “having vigorous sexual relations.” Flores describes an alleged incident where Britney asked the guard for his belt and then, according to Flores: “Defendant Spears immediately ran back towards her house screaming ‘Preston’ (i.e. Sean Preston, her elder son). She entered the residence through two French doors on the north side. Plaintiff exited the pool house, hearing Sean Preston screaming in terror and pain, and saw Defendant Spears at least twice savagely hitting the small child with Plaintiff’s belt. “Plaintiff was shocked, horrified and deeply disturbed by the incident.” He also alleges that Britney fed her two small sons crabmeat despite the fact that they have serious allergies to seafood. “When both boys started vomiting, Defendant Spears explicitly prevented Plaintiff and the children’s nanny from seeking medical care for the children,” the suit will contend. Flores claims to have filed at complaint with the California Department of Fair Employment and Housing and obtaining a right to sue letter from the agency. RadarOnline.com has not independently verified that claim. The lawsuit is filled with charges of Britney flaunting her naked body and making “unwanted sexual advances.” He describes Britney as wearing a white lace, see through dress and exposing herself to him. He also describes two incidents where she summoned him, but was naked.

Please keep in mind that her conservatorship, in which a judge ruled that Britney at some point was held under water too long and has no idea how to handle life, is still in effect. And there's no plans to stop it anytime soon. So why in the fuck is Britney Spears allowed to interact with humans at all? She should be shot talking to a picture of her kid much less her actual kid.

Britney Spears is in Hawaii right now, and for the last four years I've been hearing that "Britney is coming back!". So, where is she coming back from exactly, the Keebler Elves tree? Because the only thing she's been serving up hot lately is cookies.

I almost feel sorry for Britney Spears because she's a borderline functioning retard with no concept of reality. You could tell her she's an international superstar or you could tell her that she lives in a cereal box and she was just stare at you and ask for more hot sauce for her Honey Bun. But this is fucking gross. Orange reports:

Brit's man Jason Trawick has worked himself up into a lather and told the singer that she smells a little bit toxic and needs to shower more often – or she’s dumped. Those close to her – although we’re guessing they’re not too close – say Britney refuses to wash her hair for days and often doesn’t change her clothes. A smell-conscious friend told Heat: “Britney’s not the type to cover herself in pretty-smelling lotions. “She hates washing her hair, so sometimes it can smell downright sour. She’ll sometimes grab an outfit and wear it two or three times a week. Recently she put on a sundress for the third day in a row, but Jason refused to leave the house with her until she put on something else.” It sounds like Britney’s cleaned up her act since Jason mentioned her whiffy aroma, and has been changing more regularly. Friends have said the singer’s hygiene problem is down to laziness – and the fact that she’s so used to having an army of stylists dressing her that she can’t be bothered to do it herself. “She was the same when she was with K-Fed,” said one friend.

I don't care how rich she is, but if you have to tell your 30-year old girlfriend to wash her ass, it might be time to move on. Just a suggestion. And it's not like any of this is a surprise, Britney is well-known for being unable to fully grasp the concept of a bar of soap. Bitch smells like pork skins and low tide. All that's missing is Gordon and Big Bird opening her lid and teaching children about respect and tolerance of people with different views and lifestyles.

Being the humble, single mother of two looking to lead a quiet and dignified life that she is, Britney Spears went to Starbucks in Calabasas yesterday with her ass hanging out. Especially since it's 2001 and everyone is on pins and needles to see it. At this point, I'd rather see my leg being amputated than anything up this retard's dress.