Like a Mexican not wearing cutoff jean shorts at the beach, it's weird to see Brooklyn Decker not in a bikini (BAM!) (BAM AGAIN!) (EVEN MORE BAM!). First the UNC thing, then the soccer mom haircut, and now a dress. It's almost like she's trying not to give me an erection. What's her deal? I can look at her right now and nothing. Nothoohh-o-oohhhhhh. Ohhh. Ohhh...mmmm..ohhh. Ohh. Nevermind. Move along.

Brooklyn Decker is still in Miami and she was thoughtful enough to pack more than one bikini. But if the mom haircut wasn't enough the first time, who is this damn kid? C'mon, Brooklyn. You know this site is no place for kids.

Brooklyn Decker was in a bikini and her new soccer mom haircut in Miami this weekend, and once I stopped staring directly at her rack, I noticed that she seems kinda sad. If I had to guess, I'd say it's because she's a UNC fan. And has to sit and watch a lot of tennis. That must be boring. I wonder if she ever goe..hey look, her tits again!

Like the rest of the cast of Just Go With It, Brooklyn Decker had no business at the Oscars. But she did attend the Vanity Fair after party. As a Carolina Panther fan, I'd like to know her thoughts on who they might draft. Nick Fairley? Cam Newton? Da'Quan Bowers? And if she can tell me her thoughts on reverse cowgirl, you know, that would be great, too.

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The Berlin premiere of Just Go With It was last night, and as you can clearly see, Jennifer Aniston was having the time of her life. Especially when she was forced to stand next to Brooklyn Decker. There's no way Aniston felt threatened or her ovaries or her prospects for love crumbling to dust. Of course she didn't go home and cry to the cut out pictures of Brad Pitt. She's fine. Nothing was wrong. Specifically, there was nothing wrong with Brooklyn Decker. Someone could have thrown acid in her face and stuck half her arm in a stump grinder right before these pictures were taken and she's still be the hottest thing at the premiere. It kinda makes me wish I was a marginal tennis player instead of a brilliant celebrity gossip writer. Oh, I see how it is God! Fuck you, buddy!


Pic #3 of Jennifer Aniston with half her face cropped out was a genuine accident that I only caught after I uploaded these pics. But I just went with it. Hahaha, man. I crack myself up!

Christine Teigen and Brooklyn Decker were at the 2011 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Launch in NYC, and I'm going to assume they were making out all night. Or maybe Brooklyn told her a sexy joke. Or maybe I wasn't hiding in the bushes outside. Well, I guess I was. Hiding in the backseat of Brooklyn's car was cool and all, but I generally like to be outdoors.

Why Brooklyn Decker didn't make the cover of the 2011 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is a mystery, but some conspiracy theorists say it's because God knows that she's a Tarheel fan. It's a well known fact in NC that Tarheel fans torture animals and sell children into slavery, yet the biased liberal media refuses to bring these atrocities to light. Tell me, biased liberal media, why is that?

Brooklyn Decker attended a special screening of her new movie Just Go With It, and despite being in a movie with Adam Sandler, she was discovered in North Carolina and is a Carolina Panthers fan. And since I've recently became a fan of blondes, I wonder if her husband Andy Roddick would like to play a game of tennis with me. What? Oh, heavens no. I didn't paint this grenade yellow. Why would you even ask such a thing? There's nothing to see here. Move along.