In his new book, Lindsay Lohan's former bodyguard, Lee Weaver, describes a typical night out. You know, where she wanted to fight Cameron Diaz. Radar Online reports:

RadarOnline.com obtained an exclusive copy of Weaver’s new book, Memoirs of a Celebrity Bodyguard, in which he details a night out on duty with Lohan at a Hollywood club where they ran into Diaz and Timberlake. “They sat right next to us in another booth,” Weaver writes. “Right after that I heard one of Lindsay’s girlfriend say, ‘There is that b**ch! Go kick her a** right now.’” Weaver claims that Lohan attempted to ditch Weaver in an effort to have words with Diaz, but with bodyguards surrounding both tables, it was the unlikeliest of heroes coming to the rescue — Timberlake! “Justin walked right up to me and said, ‘Hey big man can I talk to you for a second?’” Weaver writes. “Justin says, ‘Cameron and Lindsay are looking at each other like they want to kill each other. I don’t know what this is all about but I came out just to listen to some music and have a good time. I definitely don’t want to fight you and I know you don’t want to fight me. This is what we can do. I will keep Cameron in our booth and you keep Lindsay in her booth.’” Weaver implies in the book that it was Lohan who was the instigator, and after coming to an agreement, Timberlake and Diaz left the club just 20 minutes later.

Lindsay Lohan is a cunt, Cameron Diaz is a beast, Justin Timberlake is a sissy. Big surprise. This had to have happened when Lohan wasn't wearing a SCRAM bracelet, though, because there is no way any sober person would want to fuck with that banner picture. Except maybe Beowulf, but only if he had reinforcements.

Cameron Diaz still pays for skin flicks. Us Weekly reports:

On Thursday's Jimmy Kimmel Live, when the host asked her if she enjoyed watching dirty movies, Diaz replied, "I love porn!"

And it seems the racy flicks are a favorite pastime for the star when she's traveling.

"You know what I love about hotels? How discreet they are," Diaz said. "I love that. They always give you that little thing at the bottom, 'Your room will be charged the same as any other room, no titles will be used.' [All the movies] cost the same amount."

As for her own bedroom behavior, Diaz told Playboy last year that she likes it a little rough.

"I'm primal on an animalistic level, kind of like, 'Bonk me over the head, throw me over your shoulder," she told the mag. "You man, me woman.' Not everybody has the right kind of primal thing for me...I love physical contact. I have to be touching my lover, like, always. It's not optional."

She likes being clubbed over the head and she's obviously never heard of the Internet. If her fling with A-Rod doesn't work out, Bamm-Bamm's probably legal now.

On Lopez Tonight, Cameron Diaz revealed to whoever watches Lopez Tonight that she used to buy weed from Snoop Dogg in high school. Or she might not have. She's pretty sure she did. She thinks. Us Magazine reports:

"We went to high school together," the Bad Teacher actress, 38, said of her fellow Long Beach Polytechnic High School alum, 39, on Wednesday's Lopez Tonight. "He was a year older than me....I remember him, he was very tall and skinny. He wore lots of ponytails." Another thing that hasn't changed: his passion for pot. "I'm pretty sure I bought weed from him," Diaz said of Snoop, who has a medical marijuana card. "I was green even in high school!"

I realize this was supposed to make her seem cooler, but it's Cameron Diaz. She looks like something a civilian diving team who are enlisted to search for a lost nuclear submarine might encounter. She's unattractive, you see.

Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz showed up to the Knight and Day premiere in Mexico City last night. Take a long look at the banner picture, because the vampire that's been burned alive and dumped in the swamp on the right is supposed to be the most beautiful women in Hollywood. She looks like an albino frog that's dressing up like Heather Locklear for Halloween. If I ever played pool with Cameron Diaz, I'm pretty sure I'd break my stick over my leg and make a cross at some point.

Alex Rodriguez needs to pay somebody to remind him he's Alex Rodriguez, because he's now dating Cameron Diaz. New York Post reports:

Alex Rodriguez and Cameron Diaz have had a series of secret dates following their flirtation at the Creative Artists Agency Super Bowl party in February. The couple secretly saw each other in Florida while A-Rod was at spring training, according to Life & Style. "A-Rod's with Cameron. They've been keeping it quiet, but they're totally together," a source told the weekly.

This dude is the highest paid player in MLB history and plays for one of the most storied franchises to have ever existed, and the best piece of celebrity ass he's had is Kate Hudson. A thirty-year old single mom. What the fuck is this guy doing? If I was Alex Rodriguez, my morning would start by tripping over Kelly Brook and Blake Lively on my way to the bathroom after I wake up on top of two 19-year old twins who are late for a meeting with Elite.

NOTE: I need Desmond to be my constant to figure out the logic behind the email I just got calling me a hypocrite by comparing this post with the Elin one, so let me clear this up. When you're married, you fuck your wife. When you're not married, you fuck everyone else. I hope that helps.

You already know who won Oscars last night (Banner pic spoilers if you don't, grandpa. Try to keep up), so you already know that Kathryn Bigelow ordered at 14-year old Russian runaway and a double-sided dildo to celebrate and James Cameron adopted an entire Haitian family so he could fly them to his private island to film The Hurt Really Fucking Bad Locker, so here's some pics from the Vanity Fair after party. Seriously, what do you want from me? Actual reporting? C'mon, let's not get carried away here.


I realize Bar Refaeli doesn't look like Christina Hendricks, so I guess that means she's not a "real woman". I'm confused I guess, because she's seems pretty real when Hendrick's husband jacks off to her when Hendrick's is sexily stripping out of her 24-hour Rebar spanx. Ooohh, like that baby.



Shitty music and grating personality aside, Katy Perry has a fantastic rack, and that pretty much all that matters to me. So, if you're a chick and you have a fantastic rack, Greg from Accounting, although he pretends to, doesn't really care about the new sweater you bought for your Pomeranian or the new vegan recipe you want him to try, he's just trying to titty fuck you. Hope that clears things up.



Cameron Diaz the Ever-Living showed up, but she didn't stay long. Apparently she got a collect call from Third Earth saying Panthro fixed the ThunderTank so she had revert to her mummified form, and enter her sarcophagus to rejuvenate herself. "Mumm-raaaaaaaa!!!!", she was overhead as saying.



I don't know what kind of buffet Jessica Simpson went to before the party, but obviously it was good enough for her to say fuck it, i'm just gonna wear a sheet. Simple, yet practical, her thighs can heat up the Hot Pockets while she mingled.

When you've tricked the world for 17 years into thinking you're an international sex symbol, you probably think you look fantastic in a bikini on the set of your new movie Knight and Day. Unfortunately for you, today's post is brought to you by the phrase, "oh, fuck no bitch."

As look at these pictures of Cameron Diaz's fug ass at last night's 2009 MTV Movie Awards, please keep in mind that she is considered a sex symbol and is one of the highest paid actresses in Hollywood. On the other hand, at the 1809 MTV Movie Awards, Cameron Diaz would be tied up in a corn field to ward off crows and evil spirits.