Let's face it, country music sucks, but instead of looking at Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Fergie, Kelly Clarkson, and Ke$ha, you get to look at Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift, Miranda Lambert, Kellie Pickler, Sara Evans, and Julianne Hough. Specifically, Carrie Underwood in a bikini in the Bahamas. I'm not saying I'd fuck Carrie Underwood, but if she asked, I'd be in her vagina so fast my penis would look like a tuning fork.

I have no idea why I didn't post these pictures of Carrie Underwood performing at the AMAs yesterday, but here they are to make up for the parade of ugly that has gripped the site for far too long. Damn, this little bitch is hot. Not that anybody cares, but there's this waitress at MoJoe's that looks exactly like Carrie Underwood but with brown hair. And no I'm not saying that just so I can get a free chicken wrap! How dare you suggest such a thing?!

The 44th Annual Academy of Country Music Awards was last night, and I really need to make it there one year. Not because I like songs about domestic violence and broken dreams, but because it's probably the best award show if you're looking for the greatest concentration of hot, skinny white chicks. I tried the American Latin Music Awards one time, and before I got in, some latin guy came up to me and stuck out his hand and said "Hola". Then I just threw him my wallet and my keys at him and then hid behind a trash can. What does "Hola" mean?!! Is that some kind of gang slang?! Oh God, somebody help! Help!!!



Taylor Swift and Kellie Pickler:



Marisa Miller, Julianne Hough, Kaley Cuoco:

I have no idea what Carrie Underwood won at last night's Grammys, but I'm pretty sure she won the "Hottest Piece" award. Hands down. Say what you want about American Idol, but I would split this chick like an atom and she's everything Jessica Simpson wishes she was. Skinny, hot, talented, and absolutely killing the country music charts. The best thing Jessica can do now is to go through some kind of wormhole to an alternate universe. For what I'm really not sure. What am I, her life coach all of a sudden?

Um, implants?

Carrie Underwood won a bunch of trophies at the People's Choice Awards last night, but do you want to know her greatest prize? My heart.

Carrie Underwood is a big star. Big stars routinely say idiotic things because they are blind lemmings who are hilariously misinformed and out of touch with reality. Carrie Underwood is not one of those people. Us Magazine (Via Just Jared/TV Guide) says:

Carrie Underwood has a message for Oprah, Diddy, Elisabeth Hasselbeck and even Heidi and Spencer: Don't publicly back candidates for office. "There is someone I do support, but I don't support publicly," she tells TV Guide..."I lose all respect for celebrities when they back a candidate. "It's saying that the American public isn't smart enough to make their own decisions," she goes on. "I would never want anybody to vote for anything or anybody just because I told them to."

I wish everyone was like Carrie Underwood. Not only would they be hot, but they also wouldn't feel the need to force their opinions on me. I appreciate it, miss stoned coke whore in a private jet rambling about change and the economy. I got this one. Thanks, though.

Carrie outside Il Corso Italian restaurant in September answering paparazzi questions about Sarah Palin with "I don't do politics.":


Bonus:


Photos: Splash

I've never wanted to take a wax statue out for a romantic dinner before, but Carrie Underwood should have thought about that before she unveiled hers at Madame Tussaud this week. Yeah, that's right, Carrie. I got a new lady now. Quite frankly, I found you a bit too clingy.

The public feud between Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood (read more here and here) is back on today after Carrie called Jessica Simpson a fatass. OK! Magazine reports:

Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen: the catfight between Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson continues, and someone's about to draw blood! Carrie's claws have come out following Jessica's recent interview, in which she gushes over current boyfriend (and Carrie's ex) Tony Romo, saying, "I just told him today, 'You're the love of my life.'" In the interview Jessica also says she's unconcerned by Carrie's claims of getting calls from Tony, admitting that she checks his phone logs and knows exactly who he does and does not call...."She finds Jessica's love of putting her life on display pretty desperate," a pal of the "Before He Cheats" singer tells OK!. "She laughed at the People cover, because it's the same one Jess did about John Mayer - same smile, same look, except she's a little fatter.""

I don't care what steps they need to take to resolve this feud, but it's pretty clear it should somehow involve Carrie Underwood getting naked.