Match made in Hades. TMZ says:

Charlie Sheen has returned from Colombia -- and TMZ has learned, he's now on a mission to save his kids ... after mommy Brooke Mueller was arrested for cocaine possession last week. Sources close to the couple tell TMZ, Brooke had custody of the 2-year-old twins the night of her arrest -- leaving them in the care of a nanny while she went out clubbing. Brooke and the kids are currently on their way back from Aspen now -- but we're told, Charlie plans to take care of them as soon as they're home ... and Brooke's parents will help. According to sources, Brooke's going to take some time for herself while she tries to "get better." Brooke has struggled with substance abuse issues for years -- and most recently sought addiction help at an alternative treatment facility in Mexico.

I'm not sure what Brooke Mueller has to take time off from, but whatever. The point is, after his ex wife got arrested for cocaine possession, Charlie Sheen flew in from Colombia to be with his kids. Again: Charlie Sheen left Colombia for his kids. Colombia. This implies that something means more to him than coke. This, in turn, implies that Satan's opening a ski resort in his hometown pretty soon. Wait'll you see the disappointment on Brooke's face when she realizes snorting those mountains was a waste.

Awww, how sweet. People reports:

That was the feeling Saturday at a Comedy Central-sponsored roast at Sony Studios in Culver City, Calif., where friends of the actor lobbed insults his way – but in interviews before the event, wished him nothing but good luck. An edited version of the shindig will air on the cable network Sept. 19, opposite the debut of Ashton Kutcher on Sheen's former CBS sitcom, Two and a Half Men. For his part, Sheen, 46, was prepared for anything on Saturday night. Asked what he's learned over the past year, he replied: "What have I learned? You got like, six hours? … One thing I've learned is just don't take everything so personally, which applies to tonight."

Man, I bet this was great. Because if anyone is deserving of the spotlight and well wishes it's a drug addict and unrepentant woman beater who starved his kid's dog to death and shit in the face of the highest-rated show on television because they had the audacity to tell him he couldn't miss work to snort blow and fuck whores. I hope everyone on stage and in the audience learned a valuable lesson that night. With that lesson being that they're fucking idiots.

Charlie Sheen took Brooke Mueller to Mexico. Us Weekly says:

The divorced duo was spotted in L.A. Friday hopping aboard a private jet, and a source tells Us Weekly Sheen, 45, and Mueller, 34, are "thinking of getting back together." The fired Two and a Half Men star -- whose character is reportedly killed off in the season premiere -- is currently paying Mueller $55,000 per month in child support. (The two are parents to 2-year-old twins Bob and Max.) On Christmas day in 2009, Sheen allegedly held a knife to Mueller's throat and threatened to kill her. He later pled guilty on lesser charges and spent time in rehab, not jail. Since the incident, the two had lived apart, although their divorce wasn't officially granted until this past May. A source tells Us the parents have been "getting counseling and therapy [with] the boys" and Mueller, who has struggled with substance addiction, is "actually responding to treatment." "She's totally gung-ho," the source adds. "He just wants his kids to be happy, and if that means they need to be a family, then he is up for it... The kids have suffered a lot, and he feels so guilty lately."

Good for them to keep trying. Because nothing makes children happier than seeing their recovering crackhead mom nearly get stabbed by their raging drunken warlock dad. Except seeing their recovering crackhead mom actually get stabbed by their raging drunken warlock dad in Mexico. Then they can help Dora find the body!

Say no to drugs, kids. Deadline Hollywood reports:

I have been able to confirm that Charlie Sheen's character Charlie Harper is indeed dead and the season premiere will feature his funeral. Charlie's girlfriends will come back for the occasion, and his house indeed will be put on the market. The episode will feature potential buyers coming to see the house (as I reported earlier, the list is expected to include real-life celebrities and stars from Men co-creator Chuck Lorre's other series), with Ashton Kutcher among them. However, I hear he will not be the rightful owner of Charlie Harper's digs by the end of the premiere episode, with the storyline expected to be extended into Episode 2.

A year ago, Charlie Sheen was the highest paid actor on the highest-rated show on cable television. Then he did a bunch of blow and moved in a bunch of whores then tried to kill one. Oh, then he got fired because he thought he was untouchable. But I guess he is untouchable now in the sense that he's a ghost. And if Ghost Hunters has taught me anything it's that you can't touch ghosts. You also need night vision goggles apparently. Ghosts also don't have teeth, so Charlie Sheen is pretty good there.

You're not gonna believe this, but as it turns out, Charlie Sheen has done several drugs not called "Charlie Sheen". E! reports:

Sheen reveals in the latest issue of Sports Illustrated, "Let's just say that I was enhancing my performance a little bit. It was the only time I ever did steroids." The fired Two and a Half Men star says he took 'roids for nearly two months to improve his athletic abilities and that he kicked it after losing control of his (already unstable) temper. "I did them for like six or eight weeks," he continues. "You can print this, I don't give a f--k. My fastball went from 79 [mph] to like 85."

Can we even call this a story at this point? An unhinged lunatic who throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way and has to pay chicks who pose in motorcycle magazines to like him injected anabolic steroids into his body just to pretend to be a baseball player? Get outta here. What? Next you're gonna tell me my penis is too small? C'mon, man. My cousin says that four inches is really big because she and a lot of women have really shallow vaginas.

Somebody emailed me this picture this morning and at first I was going to reply and call them an asshole for sending me picture from the set of Becoming Chaz, but as it turns out, it's a candid photo of the new cast of Two & Half Men. Where the new season focuses on the kid getting mistaken for a lesbian or something like that.

Admitted troll Jon Cryer released a statement responding to Ashton Kutcher's casting in Two And A Half Men. E! Online reports:

The Two and a Half Men star, who remained notably mum throughout the Charlie Sheen hullabaloo that took down their hit show midseason (minus a couple of pointed comedy sketches in which he admitted to being a troll and took a job with Ellen), has let it be known that he's grateful for what came before but now he's looking forward to what's ahead.

And that includes working with Ashton Kutcher.

"I'm jazzed about the news this morning that Two and a Half Men is coming back!" Cryer said in a statement to E! News, via his rep. "For all the rest of the cast and crew I'm sure they are equally excited.

"I want to express my enormous gratitude to Charlie Sheen for eight great seasons. I'm extremely proud of the work we've done together, and I will miss him. But I'm also looking forward to this new beginning."

And he can't be the only one. Rumor had it that CBS was scrambling to get the Kutcher deal in place ahead of Wednesday's upfront presentation in New York. You know, so they'd have something promising (two whole men!) to show advertisers so that they'll be compelled to spend money to advertise during Two and a Half Men.

"Ashton is an extraordinarily talented guy, and his presence will be an asset to our show," Cryer continued. "We are old friends from our male modeling days, and we're both looking forward to being judged for our comedic artistry, as opposed to our exceptional physical beauty."

It's nice that Jon Cryer's not going to spend his days pining away for an unemployed cokehead now that he's got someone relevant only for boning Bruce Willis' sloppy seconds on board. Seriously, why isn't Jon Cryer's publicist on the writing staff for this show? I laughed harder at the thought of Ashton Kutcher being "extraordinarily talented" than at anything Charlie Harper's ever done.

All images via WENN.

Charlie Sheen's ex wife and mother to his twins must be really happy today. TMZ reports:

Charlie Sheen tells TMZ ... he's teaching his 2-year-old twin boys new words this weekend -- like "rehab" -- because he wants them to know where their mother spends so much time.

Charlie tells TMZ ... it's the first time he's been able to spend a weekend with Bob and Max since the judge took custody away from him back in March.

Charlie says he's spending the weekend expanding the boys' vocabulary: "I am teaching them words, because they're speaking now. I'm teaching them the word 'rehab' so they always know where their mom is."

Charlie has settled his custody dispute with Brooke Mueller, but it sound like it's still game on.

Brooke Mueller married and bred with Charlie Sheen, so she sort of had this coming. That said, she can reciprocate and teach the boys about where their daddy is all the time. C'mon, you can do it! "On a coke-fueled rage inside of a mediocre looking pornstar's ass backdoor." That's a good boy! Now go play with your nanny while mommy goes to collect rocks.

All images via WENN.