As you look at these pictures of Denise Richards in a bikini, please keep in mind that Charlie Sheen was once married to this and inseminated it twice. Now remember that he calls this and this "goddesses". You could take the DNA of the chicks he pays to pretend to love him now and splice with an actual goddess and it still wouldn't look as hot as Denise Richards does here. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I would have sex with Denise Richards. Yep, that's what I'm saying.

Note: Since it didn't take long for me to get the usual, "You are an idiot. Stick to celeb gossip. Obviously politics is too much for you." on the last post, I hope this helps. It almost might help if you call my manager. He might be able to give you a full refund. Oh, wait.

Well, she was (and technically still is) married to Charlie Sheen. Radar Online reports:

Brooke Mueller, actor Charlie Sheen's soon-to-be ex-wife, was ordered to undergo a drug test at her Hollywood home at 5:30 p.m. Friday but refused to provide a urine sample, a source close to Mueller told RadarOnline.com.

The test was scheduled after RadarOnline reports about Mueller calling friends to ask them to provide drug-free urine. And Friday, a cocaine street dealer in crime-ridden Inglewood, Calif., told us he'd sold an "8-ball" of drugs to Mueller.

Both Sheen and Mueller, whose divorce is to become final within weeks, are bound by a pre-divorce agreement to random drug testing three times a month. Both have battled booze and coke addictions, and each is mandated to remain clean or lose the custody of their twins.

Said a source close to the situation who asked to remain anonymous: "Charlie will be going to court on Tuesday to address Brooke's refusal to take the test.

"He may ask the court for the temporary custody of the boys if Mueller agrees to enter rehab. Charlie is concerned for Brooke, but his first priority is the boys and their safety."

Mueller's cell phone is temporarily out-of-service and she couldn't be contacted. Calls to Sheen and Mueller's attorney weren't immediately returned.

When their guardianship is between a delusional warlock and someone trying to launch a reality show with Paris Hilton, you know these children are fucked, with or without crack involved. These kids would have a better chance at making it to 18 if they were raised by wolves. At worst they'd have a more legitimate reason to scratch the floors.

Charlie Sheen's other ex wife:



All images via WENN.

We really don't need to get into how Charlie Sheen is hopping from city to city in a bubble of delusional and insanity while trying to sell as many tickets and t-shirts as he can until his heart explodes. Somehow between getting booed off stage every place he goes and sitting in the corner of his hotel room because he thinks the lamp can read his mind, Sheen realized he made a horrific mistake and has been openly begging for his job back on Two & Half Men. During a radio interview this week, Sheen claimed discussions were taking place and there was an 85% chance that he would be returning to the show. The Warner Bros. heard that statement. Then they dragged that statement out in the street, cut its head off, shit on it, then found the statement's sister, fucked her while her husband watched, then sold her baby into slavery but not before they shot a puppy in the head in front of it. TMZ reports;

In the letter, the Warner Bros. lawyer says, "Those statements are false. As you know, there have been no discussions, there are no discussions and there will be no discussions, regarding his returning to or having any involvement with the series."

So, there it is. Since tiger blood and Adonis DNA don't exist in the land of reality, Charlie Sheen is basically just a lying drug-addict trying to manipulate every possible situation he can. The only way Charlie Sheen will ever see his name in the credit of a show called Two & Half Men is if its on TLC and its about amputees.

Charlie Sheen performed in New York City this week, and no one exiting the theater understood why they went. The New York Daily News reports:

There was nothing "winning" about Charlie Sheen's one-man show in New York Friday night.

The hard-partying actor took to the stage of Radio City Music Hall as part of his "Violent Torpedo of Truth" tour to deliver an hour-long profanity-laden ramble that was vaguely coherent at best and sordid and self-indulgent at worst.

Sheen, 45, sauntered onto the stage 35 minutes late to a standing ovation from a raucous and optimistic crowd that cheered and shouted, "I love you, Charlie."

Barely an hour later, the same audience filtered out of the famed Sixth Ave. venue baffled by the actor's performance and questioning why they had parted with their hard-earned cash.

"He's a little off his rocker," said Barbara Ann Preziosi, 50, who paid $109 for her orchestra seat.

"I wish he would go back to 'Two and a Half Men,' and I think he plays Charlie Harper really well but, in real life he's a disappointment."

"The show sucked," said Mike Brancaccio, 26, from Rockaway, N.J., who paid more than $100 for his ticket.

"I'm just glad it's over so I can get a drink that isn't crazily overpriced."

Charlie's goddesses look like they'd be his Furies, his catchphrases are already tired, and he's milking his fame now to avoid the unemployment line later. This isn't the origin of Stonehenge, the identity of Jack the Ripper, or what happened on the grassy knoll. There's no mystery here. If you're questioning why you parted with your hard-earned cash to see Charlie Sheen rant about hookers and blow, here's your answer: Because you're an asshole.

Image via WENN.

Charlie Sheen performed in New York City this week, and no one exiting the theater understood why they went. The New York Daily News reports:

There was nothing "winning" about Charlie Sheen's one-man show in New York Friday night.

The hard-partying actor took to the stage of Radio City Music Hall as part of his "Violent Torpedo of Truth" tour to deliver an hour-long profanity-laden ramble that was vaguely coherent at best and sordid and self-indulgent at worst.

Sheen, 45, sauntered onto the stage 35 minutes late to a standing ovation from a raucous and optimistic crowd that cheered and shouted, "I love you, Charlie."

Barely an hour later, the same audience filtered out of the famed Sixth Ave. venue baffled by the actor's performance and questioning why they had parted with their hard-earned cash.

"He's a little off his rocker," said Barbara Ann Preziosi, 50, who paid $109 for her orchestra seat.

"I wish he would go back to 'Two and a Half Men,' and I think he plays Charlie Harper really well but, in real life he's a disappointment."

"The show sucked," said Mike Brancaccio, 26, from Rockaway, N.J., who paid more than $100 for his ticket.

"I'm just glad it's over so I can get a drink that isn't crazily overpriced."

Charlie's goddesses look like they'd be his Furies, his catchphrases are already tired, and he's milking his fame now to avoid the unemployment line later. This isn't the origin of Stonehenge, the identity of Jack the Ripper, or what happened on the grassy knoll. There's no mystery here. If you're questioning why you parted with your hard-earned cash to see Charlie Sheen rant about hookers and blow, here's your answer: Because you're an asshole.

Image via WENN.

Clearly Charlie Sheen is winning like a rock star from Mars, because one of his "goddesses", Natalie Kenly, stepped outside a NYC hotel yesterday as part of her beauty regimen. Awesome. I really wish I was Charlie Sheen so I could pay a prison inked skank with no tits to pretend to love me. I've looked at these pictures three times now, and I'm fairly certain the only way I'd consider being inside her vagina is if the Jigsaw Killer told me I could find a key there.

Charlie Sheen's desperate grab for cash, the "Violent Torpedo of Cracked Out Paranoia and Narcissistic Asshole" tour, hit Cleveland last night, and you're not gonna believe what happened. Well, you probably can. Mostly because Sheen beats, assaults, stalks, or tries to kill every woman he comes in contact with. But since Denise Richards left the relationship physically unscathed, Sheen is a petulant, spoiled child who shits in the face of the one person who still generally cares for his well-being. NY Post reports:

Charlie Sheen used the Cleveland leg of his "Violent Torpedo of Truth" tour to blast ex-wife Denise Richards. About a half-hour into the 90-minute show on Tuesday, the warlock wannabe had the crowd of 3,200 at the State Theater chanting, "[Bleep] that bitch!" Richards -- the mother of Sheen's two young daughters -- has for years quietly steered clear of blasting him in public for any of his antics. She even downplayed his drunken Plaza hotel porn star rampage last fall when she and their two girls were sleeping in a room across the hall. Her rep declined to comment yesterday.

Please keep in mind that even though she has every reason in the world to do so, Denise Richards has never blasted Sheen in the media. Ever. Not once (unless of course you count her reality show). Because she probably knows that if you give a person enough rope, they'll eventually hang themselves. Since their divorce, Richards has bent over backwards to be accommodating to this lunatic and this is what happens. She has carried herself with grace and dignity through this whole ordeal, while he is under the delusion that the world owes him something while he does blow off two busted whores I'd turn away at a house party. Fuck him. Somebody should take a machete the length of his aorta then have a tiger standing by to give him a transfusion. That should work. Afterall, I don't want to kill him. Just scare him a little bit.

If you live on Earth, you probably already know that Charlie Sheen's first stop on his “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option” tour in Detroit was an unmitigated disaster. It was so bad, that people were literally walking out and booing Sheen off stage. That's weird, because who knew that a hastily thrown together money grab by a rambling, paranoid cokehead with a God complex would be anything less than perfect? Here's a timeline of the show. Please notice how quickly this shit disentegrates like it was targeted by the Death Star. Entertainment Weekly reports:

7:50 p.m. ET — Lovefest: Outside Fox Theater, Melissa Shovlin and Haley Clark — two young women wearing homemade “Winning!” T-shirts (see picture below) — are asked what they expected from the show. “We have no idea,” says Shovlin, “that’s part of the excitement.” Is she concerned about Sheen’s mental state, given his recent tendency towards multimedia outbursts? “Everybody is a little crazy,” she shrugs off. She also notes, “I think in this environment, he’ll be a little more free to jump around like a snake in a chair.”

7:59 — You cannot walk through the crowd without hearing someone say “Winning.” There are girls wearing tiger-striped pants, and assorted custom Sheen quips T-shirts. The Midwestern crowd has come from all over, devout followers of the Vatican’s most famous assassin.

8:19 — Here is just a sample of this painful opening act: “Shouldn’t they call the defibrillator a difibra-now?” Sheen himself comes out to defend the comic, telling the audience to give him a chance. The actor receives a standing ovation. Sheen says that he’ll be right back out, and exits. The comedian continues his set. Problem: This is a rock concert atmosphere, and nobody wants a stand-up act.

9:18 – “Nothing terrifies a troll more than its own reflection,” Sheen continues, before shifting gears into politics. “In a recent poll, they told me I’d bring down that whore [Sarah] Palin. I don’t have time for that nonsense.” [Read about the poll he's referring to here.]

9:20 — People start booing Sheen. Not playing around, but actually booing him. Sheen yells, “I already got your money, dude!”

9:35 — The show has become a padded and disjointed mess. Sheen plays an old short film he made called RPG starring a young Johnny Depp but the audience gets frustrated and starts booing. Sheen stops the video and says, “Okay, so RPG was a bomb. Tonight is an experiment.” One is reminded of Torpedo of Truth’s subtitle on the marquee outside: “Defeat is not an option.”

9:40 — Sheen says he’s going to “Tell some stories about crack. I figured Detroit was a good place to tell some crack stories.” This comment, not surprisingly, does not go over well. “Show of hands who here has tried crack?” Very few people raise their hand. “I don’t do crack anymore, but this is a good f—ing night to do some crack.” The audience boos.

10:03 — The show is now an unmitigated disaster. There’s a fairly steady stream of people leaving early. Attendee Chris Acchione, a self-described Sheen fan who traveled all the way from Toronto for the show, says his entire mezzanine row walked out. “He’s making a fool of himself,” he says. “Is there a bigger loser in the world? He’ll be [begging] Chuck Lorre for his job back by the end of the week.”

First off, let me say this to everyone who paid $150 a ticket for this: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You're an idiot. This is like paying $150 to see the guys in the Budweiser commercials yell "Wasssuuppp!" for two hours or paying to see the e-Trade talking baby do stand-up. It's funny for about a day then it's tired. I really don't know what you were expecting, but it's obvious that the show ended for Charlie Sheen once he captured your credit card payment.

Note: His next stop in Chicago (see banner picture) is being hailed as a resounding success only because nobody walked out and stoned him to death on stage. Wonderful.